The Ex Friend

You look into each other's eyes and sigh because you both know. This is it, this is the one person that was created just for you to love and be loved by. Rainbows and butterflies, unicorns and licorice, all the sweet things in life ain't got nothing on you and your boo. Tra-la-la-la-la, you're skipping down the road of happiness, hand and hand, ready to vanquish any dragons and flying monkeys that may get in the way. You love love, and love to love and have love for everyone and everything around you, particularly your honey, the love of your life, the apple of your eye, the cheese to your pizza.

Until you don't.

Vanquishing can get hella exhausting, especially when the dragons continue to breathe fire in your face and the flying monkeys are hurling banana peels and feces at you from the sky. You can see that clearly (since those pesky eyelashes were singed off your face) the two of you are not meant to be together. However, you still love them and feces withstanding, you still actually like them. You can't imagine your life without them but you know you can't continue on in this vein. It so obvious; you were created to love each other, but just as friends! Duh!

Au contraire mon frere (or sister). Can you really be friends with someone who's seen your O face?
Some say yes, some say no. I say yes, with an asterisk. Yes*. But first, let's define what we mean by friends. Here are the categories:

Level 1 - when you accidentally run into each other, you exchange hugs, ask if that cousin ever finished law school, "tell your mama I said hello" and keep it pushing.

Level 2 - holiday/birthday phone calls, when you accidentally run into each other, you exchange hugs, ask if that cousin ever finished law school, "tell your mama I said hello", talk about getting together sometime for coffee/salad/licorice but neither of you actually make it happen.

Level 3 - regular communication, hanging out together intentionally, making time for them, etc. You know, how you are with your other friends.

Hopefully, the breakup isn't so ugly that level 1 is unachievable. However, with levels 2 and 3, I am asterisking all over that. Here are the conditions under which true friendship can potentially be achieved:

*1. No sex. (See, y'all aren't really friends.)
*2. If either of you are in a relationship, the new boo knows that y'all have seen each other naked and is okay with your friendship.
*3. There has been enough time between the breakup and the burgeoning friendship.
*4. Your expectations of this friendship are no different from your other platonic ones.
*5. Your interactions within this friendship are no different from your other platonic ones.
*6. The friendship does not hold you back from dating others.
*7. You aren't rehashing or punishing each other for what went wrong in your relationship.
*8. One of you isn't still in love with the other.
*9. Mercury is in retrograde.

Often, we move into the "friend" space too quickly after a breakup. Being friends feels much better than not having the other person in your life at all. However, if we are really honest with ourselves, it's how we rationalize holding on to someone when we don't want to let them go, even if we want to let go of the relationship. The hardest part is giving ourselves enough of a break; 2 weeks is not long enough. I don't have a specific time range, as it is dependent on how long the relationship lasted and how much fire and feces was dealt with. For some, it could be years before you can actually be friends, while for others, 3-6 months is all they need. You may also find that if you wait long enough, the desire to be friends may pass.

There's can also be a level of intimacy in your friendship with an ex that you don't have with your platonic friends. While it can be satisfying to have someone in your life who knows you so well, it can prevent you from moving on to someone else, as your intimacy needs may be getting met in this friendship. That is why it is not advisable to carry on a sexual relationship with an ex friend because it's the sex that helps differentiate a romantic relationship from a platonic relationship.

So can you be friends with your ex? Maybe...but make sure mercury is in retrograde.

Chemistry: Not Just a Class to Ditch in High School

I'll be honest, I really do not enjoy dating. The initial interview, the getting-to-know someone process, sending in your representative (and meeting theirs)...it can be pretty exhausting. As we get older, it gets even harder because we're dragging around not only our baggage, but also our expectations. Are they smart enough, tall enough, ambitious enough? Do they make me laugh? Do they have a prison record? Do I want to have sex with them? There's so much that goes into it, even when we're just grabbing a cocktail or a cup of coffee. However, there is one thing that makes all of this less painful.

Chemistry.

When you meet that person, there's an energy between the two of you. Lots of talking and smiling, touching and laughing. All those thoughts go out the window (for the moment) because things are snap, crackling and popping between you. When you kiss for the first time, damn, it's like a lightning bolt. It's obvious that the two of you were meant to be...naked together. And if/when that does happen, lawd today, there's no stopping you from wanting everyone to feel this way, because you're totally in lust  love.

Or are you?

It's hard to say. Chemistry is definitely a crucial aspect to starting a relationship. When we're trying to build a relationship with someone, it's important to want to be around them, to be curious about them, to be attracted to them. That stage often lasts for a few months, which is enough time to become emotionally invested and committed to making the relationship work. It's also about the time the representatives leave the building and you're left with the good, the bad and the ugly of your not-so-new boo.

While chemistry is surely necessary, it is only part of the foundation for a strong relationship. Sometimes you can have mad chemistry with someone, but that's all there is. The banter, the fun, the phenomenal sex...that's all great, but is there any substance behind it? When you're having a difficult time at work or someone close to you dies, will that person be able to support you and give you what you need? Hopefully yes, but if the foundation of your relationship is build on chemistry alone, it will soon come to light that it is not enough.


Some may argue that chemistry is not needed, that you can fall in love with someone who didn't have that kind of effect on you. Sure, that does happen. However, from what I've seen/experienced/heard, those couples that don't have chemistry have it a little harder when times get rough. If you can't get in touch the reason you fell in love with this mofo, making up after a fight can be quite difficult. Or when the boredom of life's routines sets in, the impetus to make it exciting and put forth effort in sustaining the love can feel like another chore.

So should you date someone with whom you have no chemistry? It can depend on where you are in life and what your goal is. Some people make a choice to make it work because the person has a lot of qualities they are looking for, regardless of the chemistry or lack thereof. Others keep falling in love all over the place because of the chemistry but cannot sustain a relationship. So who knows? Each person has their rationale. Personally, chemistry is important. But that's just me and maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a few years. Ultimately, it's up to you (and the universe). Good luck!

Is it a Deal Breaker?

You and whatstheirface have been dating for a while. Things are going pretty well and it looks like you'll soon be packing your bags and moving to Couplesville. Of course there are little things that get on your nerves (how difficult is it to put the toilet seat down, do your tampons have to be everywhere?!), but overall, the two of you seem to get along like peas and carrots. And then they say those four dreaded words.

"We need to talk."

The thoughts start racing through your mind. "Oh, sweet baby Jesus in a manger! We haven't even had the full-on DTR (Defining the Relationship) conversation...this must be it. They're going to break up with me. It's already over and I was just getting used to their snoring. Sh*t! Why does this always happen to me? Their mom/dad/sister/best friend/brother doesn't like me. I knew I should have hugged instead of shaking hands. I'm such a weirdo, I just don't like touching strangers..."

Out loud, you say, "Of course, babe, what's going on?" or something along those lines that makes you sound concerned but not worried, cool, but understanding and ready to listen, even though you're really freaking out.

"Well, since it feels like we're moving toward something more serious, there's something I feel like I should share with you. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder/Major Depression/Anxiety."

You didn't realize you were holding your breath until you released it. Mentally, you're doing the happy dance because they're not ending things with you. I mean, it was beginning to look like every other relationship and then you'd have to go back online or start harassing your friends again to hook you up with someone or maybe even go to some kind of church group to find someone. How tiring is that? It's worth the payoff but still...wait, did they say they had ___________? Isn't that a mental illness or something?

Why yes, yes it is.

Although there is a lot more information out there about various mental illnesses, there is still a lot that is unknown. There is a lot of misperceptions and stigma regarding mental illness that makes it difficult for people to seek help and support. It can also make it difficult for people to disclose this information to a loved one, especially in a romantic relationship.

So what do you do if your honey shares with you that they have a mental illness?

First, acknowledge them for sharing this with you. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to them or even to you, it's not the easiest thing to disclose. Next, get as much information as possible. It's easy to assume that we know how depression looks and feels (how many times a day do those Cymbalta commercials come on?) but how it manifests in each person is different. Things you want to know may include the following:

1. How often do these episodes happen?
2. How long do they last?
3. How does it impact their behavior? (ie. sleeping, eating, working, sex drive)
4. Are they taking any medication? Side effects?
5. Have they or are they getting any kind of professional support?
6. Have they ever been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
7. Have they ever tried to kill themselves?
8. How can I best support you?

People handle their diagnosis differently. For some, it's really not a big deal and they're well-versed and knowledgeable. Others like to pretend it doesn't exist until they're in crisis mode. Or they fall somewhere in between. Although these answers are useful to have, this may be a very sensitive topic so be careful when asking some of these questions. Some things might be volunteered without you asking.
 
There are varying levels of seriousness when it comes to mental illness and while medication can help, it does not fix everything. For example, with Bipolar Disorder I, people have episodes of mania and depression; it may seem like you're dealing with two vastly different people if they are experiencing an episode of either. In having an open discussion, it gives you the opportunity to get some idea of how well they function and cope with their symptoms. You can also find out how serious their symptoms are. There's can be a huge difference between mild depression and severe depression.


Do some research on your own. You're not to become an expert and start monitoring their behavior, but it's good information for you to have because you may have to decide if this is something you want to deal with. In having a partner with a significant mental illness, you are signing on to take care of them if they cannot take care of themselves, which is a real possibility.

This doesn't mean that people with a mental illness are damaged and horrible to date. Having a diagnosis is only one aspect of a person and it does not define who they are. Everyone has their issues; some of theirs just happen to have a diagnosis attached. At the end of the day, they are still the wonderful, talented, loving, intelligent person you like/love who leaves their dirty towel on the floor and forgets to empty the dishwasher.