Dating for the Clueless - Part 2

Let's recap: you called the woman, you asked her lighthearted questions about ice cream and favorite beaches, you artfully avoided mentioning shadow puppetry and her bust size (and what you'd like to do with said bust) and you scored some face time (which you asked for over the phone, not via text or email).

Now what?

While there's no doubt that you will win her over with your charm and good-looks, there are a few things you need to do before you get there.

1. Plan something. You'll have gleaned from your light, yet curious banter what she does and does not like. Creativity gets you a lot of points, but don't be so creative that there is no environment to further get to know one another. (Creativity also helps if you are financially challenged.) Dinner at a fantastic restaurant is fine, but a picnic dinner could be even better...unless it's on a grassy knoll and she's allergic to grass. Also, if you plan the date, you can control how much money you spend. Groupon, Living Social, Trubates...these are all your friends.

2. Make an effort on your appearance. I'm not saying you need to consult with GQ first or even put on your church shoes, I'm just asking you to think about the impression you're trying to make. Baggy sweatpants, an old, ratty t-shirt and dirty tennis shoes are not the way to go...unless you're doing something that requires those kind of clothes. (And if you are, make sure your date knows this!)

3. Most importantly, make sure you're clean! Unless you've met a woman who loves a funky man (and has told you as much), please bathe...just not in your cologne. And don't forget to brush!

Once you're there...

4. As you're getting to know her, again, keep it light and appropriate. Dates can easily morph into interviews. What do you do for a living? Where did you go to school? How long have you lived in the Bay Area? Have you ever been married? Snooze. Yes, this is all vital information, but spread it out. Ask some interesting questions. What's the best cocktail you've ever had? Favorite vacation spot? How do you feel about marijuana? Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?

5. Be confident! If at some point, you realize that this awesome woman is waaaaay out of your league, don't tell her that! She A. probably already knows and/or B. sees something in you that she likes. Most women respond favorably to a man who appears and behaves as if he's comfortable in his own skin. As we get to know each other better, there will be a time and place for all the baggage and vulnerabilities to be exposed. That is NOT on the first date.

6. To quote Chris Rock: "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." Complimenting is a very subtle and delicate art. Too many and you come across as pandering and insincere. Too few and you're a self-absorbed a$$hole who doesn't appreciate how lucky you are to be in her presence. I know, it sucks for you. Here's a little help:


Yes: I didn't notice how blue your eyes are. They're really pretty.
Uh-uh: You're so beautiful, girl, I just feel so lucky to be with you, I can't believe you chose me.


Yes: I like your earrings/dress/hair cut.
Uh-uh: Can I marry you, because you are obviously the most wonderfullest woman I have ever met.


Yes: You have a beautiful smile.
Uh-uh: It's not your beauty, it's your booty. You got ass for days!



7. Now this may be controversial, but it's your treat. Double standard, whine, whine, whine, equality, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, men make more money than women doing the same job. The end. (P.S. Don't be a stingy tipper. Not a good look. Unless the service was incredibly bad, 15-20% is the standard.)


8. If the date is going well, she will subtly let you know. She'll touch you on your arm, hand, knee and won't be repulsed when you reach to do the same. Pay attention to the body language. When her arms are crossed and her body is angled away from you, it might not be the best time to try to kiss her. Admittedly, the kiss goodnight is always a little tricky. Although she be attracted to you, she might not kiss on the first date. Some women have arbitrary and silly little rules like that. However, if things are going well, she'll let you know if it's cool for a kiss; hell, she may kiss you! 


9. Last but not least, if you enjoyed yourself and want to see her again, FOLLOW UP. FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP. That means calling her...on the phone...and conversing with her. Sending a little text, making sure she got home safely is also a really good and chivalrous move. Bonus points.


Rinse and repeat.


Sidebar: 
Now if this is someone you've met online or is a blind set-up, I highly recommend going on an abbrevadate (thanks, AS). The abbrevadate is a time-limited activity (lunch, brunch, drinks) that should happen in the morning or early afternoon, so that if you can't stand each other, there's an obvious out. "I have to run, I have to give my cat a flea dip,"* is a totally feasible reason for your activity to end by noon on a Saturday. One of the best activities for an abbrevadate is meeting up for coffee, even if you don't really drink it. It's cost-effective and espresso-mocha-choco-lattes (no whip cream, watching the waistline) are the perfect excuse to start your day with a liquid dessert. The benefit of an abbrevadate is that if you're not clicking, it's over quickly, you've spent maybe $20 and you can go about your day. However, if you're really digging each other, the abbrevadate can easily transition into a date-date. If you follow the suggestions above, you may just increase the likelihood of spending more time with her.

I'm not guaranteeing that these ideas will get you another date; there still has to be chemistry between the two of you. However, even if it goes nowhere, it is highly likely your date will walk away feeling good about you...and you never know, she might have a friend that's a better match. Plus, you'll know that you didn't fall into the "Girl, no he didn't" file and are being discussed over margaritas and guacamole.




*Some may argue that being truthful and acknowledging that you're not having a good time is the more mature route, but c'mon - few people are that honest (or mature).

Dating For the Clueless - Part 1

As human beings, we're very similar. We all need to breathe, eat, poop and sleep. What makes us unique is our little idiosyncrasies, our weird little habits that we let only a select few know about or see. Although it seems like all of us (especially women) have a laundry list of characteristics and qualities that we look for in a potential mate, ultimately we're really just looking for someone who will accept our delight in eating baby carrots with peanut butter. #don'tknockittilyoutryit.


Recently, I've thrown my hat back in the dating ring and as much as I'm trying not to be jaded, it is very difficult!  Don't get me wrong; I love men. I am very fortunate to have some very positive relationships with men, both within my family of origin as well as my family of choice. I don't think all men are cheating dogs and I really like looking at some of them. However, I've learned that when it comes to dating women, many men are absolutely clueless and engage in some dumbassery that knocks them out of the game before it even starts. I can't help but wonder - is it our faults because we didn't tell them and they continue to behave in the same way?

So in Part 1, we are talking about first part of dating - the initial connection, pre-first date phase. Although I'm using my perspective as a heterosexual woman, these suggestions are really for the pursuer role regardless of sexual orientation.

Here's the scene: You're riding BART (the subway) and you notice there's a pretty woman a few feet away. Usually people don't make eye contact on the morning commute, but she catches you looking at her and she smiles. Yes! She's giving you permission to approach. Thank goodness you ate your Wheaties because you're extra-witty this morning. Soon, you're both laughing and as the train gets to your stop, you get her number. You definitely want to see her again.

This is what you do:

1. Call her. Simple concept, yes, but frequently ignored. Although text messaging has (unfortunately) become the norm in communicating, this will set you apart. There's nothing more annoying than someone you don't know very well trying to have a conversation with you via text. Some people believe in the requisite 3-5 days, but if the conversation was good and you like her, call her sooner than that. Maybe not 15 minutes after you met her (hello stalker!), but within a day or two.

2. Be curious about her. The art of conversation is a back and forth exchange; it's not just your chance to talk all about yourself.

3. Keep it light, both in your line of questioning and what you share. There's plenty of time to share your baggage, if this is the right person to share it with. Think about it - if you go out on a date and there's no chemistry, this person, who's basically stranger, knows all about your struggle with huffing paint in the 90s, your intense fear of shadow puppetry and how you peed in the bed until you were 16.

4. Stay appropriate. If your intention is just to bone, disregard all of this; put it out there and see what you get. However, if you are interested in dating her, do not get overly sexual, if at all. There's a myth out there that women know immediately if they would sleep with you; I don't think that's necessarily true, at least not for myself and most of the women I know. Generally, there are two categories when it comes to sex: Hell NO! or I'm Not Sure Yet. (Sometimes there is a Fa Sho category, but that tends to happen rarely and is often due to specific circumstances such as Vegas or vacation.) Personally, when a man starts talking about sex and we haven't even been on a date yet, it makes me uncomfortable.

5. Ask her out. The only way to know if there's something there between you, is to spend time together. And when you ask her out, do not ask over text!

Unfortunately, the first scenario doesn't happen nearly as often as one would hope. Dating really happens over the internet more often than not.

Scenario: You see this woman's picture and profile on matchchemistryharmonycupid.com. She's very attractive and according to the website, you have eating with chopsticks and using cherry flavored chapstick in common. You decide to send her a message.

1. Make sure the email is grammatically correct and spell-checked to the death. For your average smart chick, this is a bigger deal then you think. We'll let it slide if we like what you're saying and what you look like, but it can make a difference.

2. Do not address a woman by her body parts. You'd think this was a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised. (One guy addressed me as Miss Double DD. Not only was that grammatically redundant, it was offensive and inaccurate! We did not go out.)

3. Do not spend a month emailing and chatting. A couple of emails and ask for her phone number. Then see number 1 of the first scenario.

These are totally non-scientific, very subjective lists of dating suggestions that have been culled by talking to women I know and based on some of the crazy experiences we've had. These women are intelligent, attractive, educated and ambitious. Most importantly, they are really nice! However, the dating experiences we've had as a collective is enough to turn a nice woman into a crazy b*tch. If you know any single folks who can use these suggestions, please pass this on!

It Looks so Much Greener on the Other Side

I believe that when we hit our thirties, we start reflecting on what we really want in life. I could just be thinking that because I'm in my thirties (as are most of my friends), but it seems like things slow down a bit after our frenetic twenties. Whether it be children, a new job/career, a house, a cabana boy, or a new romantic relationship, we are looking for that one thing that's going to make our life great/wonderful/amazing/complete.

Boy, is that sh*t elusive!

In all honesty, my life is pretty good. In the grand scheme of things, I can't really complain. But on the small and insignificant scheme of things, there are a lot of things that I imagine/fantasize/assume will make my life even gooder. I don't know how I'm going to get them (the sugar daddy plan isn't panning out), but I truly believe that my life would be perfect if it weren't for these few things I'm lacking. Would you like to know what these things are? They may sound like some things that would make your life perfect too!

1. A chef
2. An on-call masseuse
3. A new car that drives really fast...because my driver has to get me around quickly
4. A lovely house with over-stuffed, super comfy furniture, with lots of bright colors and plants...that are lovingly taken care of by my housekeeper
5. A flat in Paris
6. Access to a private plane to take me to my flat in Paris
7. A job that pays a lot of money but does not require a huge time commitment (does Oprah have a therapist?)

See? Just a few things.

In all seriousness, it's very easy to get caught up in what we don't have...especially if the people around us have some of those things. Of course, I don't know anyone who has any of the things on my list, so that's just pure fantasy. However, there are times when I think about what I would like for my life that some of my friends do have and it makes me a little bit sad. Interestingly enough, some of them feel the same way about my life.

How do we deal with the feeling that the grass is greener? It's all about how we look at the situations that make us feel this way. Here are some common complaints I hear around the bar:

Situation #1: Being single.
Sad-sack glasses: No one wants me, I'm going to die alone surrounded by cats and old porno magazines.
Rose-tinted glasses: Freedom. I get to do what I want, when I want (to who I want, hubba hubba) and I only have to answer to myself.

Situation #2: Being married.
Sad-sack glasses: Damn, I'm stuck with this f*cker for the rest of my life. I'll never get to experience new booty again.
Rose-tinted glasses: I have someone who loves me unconditionally and who I love unconditionally. And we have a notarized agreement that they will change my diaper when we get old.

Situation #3: Living in an apartment.
Sad-sack glasses: I'm just throwing money away and have nothing to show for it.
Rose-tinted glasses: I can just pack up and move when I want/need to. When something breaks, I'm not responsible for fixing it. Not all my money goes into maintaining my residence.

Situation #4: Owning a house.
Sad-sack glasses: I'm stuck with a mortgage payment and when this money-trap needs any repairs, it's coming out of my wallet.
Rose-tinted glasses: I'm investing in my future and building up assets. And no one is tap-dancing on my ceiling.

Situation #5: Work.
Sad-sack glasses: I hate my job/I work too much/Don't make enough money.
Rose-tinted glasses: I'm going to let my dissatisfaction with my job motivate me to find something I love and compensates me well.

Situation #6: Having a small booty.
Sad-sack glasses: I don't have a booty like Serena Williams. Why have thou forsaken me?!
Rose-tinted glasses: Sorry, can't come up with anything on this one.

Of course, it's much easier said than done to focus on the positive aspects of our lives. For whatever reason, we like to complain and make ourselves feel bad for what we don't have. (Or have too much of - booty-do anyone?) While I can poke my lip out about not having a chef and masseuse on staff (or having the kind of life that requires a staff), it's a waste of time, because none of that stuff is going to happen today. And probably not tomorrow either. I prefer to focus on what's going well in my life and to work on the things that I would like to change.

Unless we're conversing at the bar, of course. We can talk/complain/cry/celebrate about anything you want. :)

To Pass or Not to Pass

Confession: I was a rather lazy student in college. My philosophy was to do the least amount of work to get a perfectly acceptable grade (usually somewhere in the B+, A- range). It was my last semester and I was taking a psychology class. It was going pretty well, but there was a big project that felt kind like it was going to take more effort than I wanted to exert. I didn't want to interfere with my GPA, so I did what any slacking overachiever would do: I took a pass. At this point, I can't remember what grade I would have gotten, but I'm pretty sure it would not have negatively affected my GPA; hell, it might have even nudged it up a little bit. But I gave myself a pass because I just didn't feel like doing the work.

As adults, it becomes easier and easier to give ourselves passes because not only do we get more better (yes, I said more better) at rationalizing our behavior, we also no longer get in trouble by mom and dad. We do it in every aspect of our lives: finances, relationships, health, career, children, etc. Some of the things we should do (as much as I hate that word) are really things that we must do but we just don't want to. It may stem from other underlying issues including low self-esteem and fear. Or, in my case above, sheer laziness.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes passes are necessary. It's very easy to go the opposite direction, where we can become so focused on an objective, that it's not good for us. Ever been around someone who's obsessed with their weight/career/love/money? We're not a lot of fun because life requires balance; we become boring and flat if we're only talking about one aspect of our lives all the time. If you're exercising everyday, it's okay to have a piece of cake. If you've been putting in 65 hours a week at work, for the love of all that's holy, take a day off! Not only do we become boring, we become more prone to stress and physical ailments. However, there is a thin line between a genuine inability to do something and the passes we give ourselves because we don't want to do it or deal with it.

Here are some common rationalizations (or passes) to some common issues:

1. "I deserve these shoes because I worked so hard today. That's what the credit card is for."
2. "I'm so tired, I don't think it would be good for me to go to the gym."
3. "I don't have a boo right now, so it's okay for me to still mess around w/my ex."
4. "I should probably go get that bump on my arm checked out, but I'm too busy to go to the doctor."
5. "I know I need to go back to school to get ahead in my career, but it takes too long and it's so expensive."
6. "I've been so hard on myself about my weight; it's not coming off, so I guess I am supposed to be 5'4 and 200lbs. Where's the cake?"

Sound familiar? Yeah, me too.

I'm not saying that every time we make a decision about what we're going to do, whether it be avoiding exercise or buying new shoes, we're giving ourselves a pass. We have every right to change our minds and our paths; that's what free will is about. I fully endorse accepting ourselves for who we are, which includes accepting our limitations. However it's important to be honest with yourself: is this pass deserved or really just another excuse? At the end of the day, we're the most accountable to ourselves.

So...I guess I'll be putting those shoes back. (But I did work really, really hard...kinda. See philosophy stated in the first paragraph.)

The Blahs

I went to Target the other day and I was so excited! I got this deodorant that makes my underarms smell like candy (technically known as eucalyptus blossom) and this new laundry detergent that has a great scent that lasts for a long time. I've been going to bed fairly early every night and taking really good care of my health. I like my new job and I've been networking, trying to get more clients for my business. Everything is going well, I can't complain.

Except...I've got a case of the thirty-something blahs.

Oh, you could tell? Hmmm...it must have been the candied armpits that gave it away. (But they do smell really good.)

Many people I know who've made it to their thirties are quite content to be there. The chaos, drama and mayhem of our twenties are over, which, for most of us, is quite a relief. We're no longer trying to figure who we are, what we like and what we want. A lot of us are on a career path; some have made it to the top of our game. Some of us are happily single, happily married, or something in between. For all intents and purposes, we are settled.

And I'm kind of bored.

Now I may be alone in the blahs, but after several recent conversations with other thirty-somethings, I don't believe that to be true. How can you tell if you've got the blahs? Here are 7 signs that may apply (reply) to you:

1. You don't want to wake up in the morning. Not because you're depressed or you hate your job, but because you're already bored with your day.
2. You start calling your friends in the middle of the night just to piss them off.
3. You pretend to have various physical ailments so you can have something interesting to talk about.
4. You pick fights with your partner to stir up some “passion” (but it's really just good old-fashioned drama).
5. You reunite with your imaginary friend because it's good to get an outsider's perspective sometimes.
6. You start making up stories to tell your therapist so your life seems less boring than it is.
7. You have a kid.

Clearly, these signs are not scientifically based, so please take them with the grains of salt on the rim of your margarita.

My boredom is not manifested in a bad, existential crisis-y kind of way, just more in a like, ho-hum, what's next kind of way. There are a lot of things that I want to experience, places I want to go, things I want to see. And there's really nothing stopping me, but for one thing: MONEY!!!!! Okay, and time too. And responsibilities. I guess it's more than one thing. Sigh.

 

I remember being a teenager and wanting to be an adult soooooo badly. No one told me that it's kind of overrated and more than a little tedious at times. I often feel pulled between two ideals: living a kind of bohemian, free-spirited lifestyle, where there are no commitments, obligations or real responsibilities to tie you down versus a driven, ambitious, stable and comfortable lifestyle, where there's no need to worry where your next meal is coming from because the fridge is stocked and you have a lovely place to lay your head down. I was recently having a conversation (not at a bar, but it did involve festive libations) with friends about what would we would do if we had a ridiculous amount of money. They had all kinds of things and plans on their lists. I didn't have much to contribute, but what I realized is that what I really want is just the freedom to do what I want, when I want.

So here's my plan of action: meet a rich older man who's looking to take care of a hot young thang, who likes to travel and take me exciting places! That's an excellent idea! Hush, I am still (kinda) young! Or I could just stick to my original plan of wining the lottery.

I guess I better go buy that lottery ticket.