My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me

Intelligent. Strong. Fun. Nice. Talented. Loving. Sophisticated. Exciting. Feminine. Masculine. Handsome. Pretty. Tall. Petite. Athletic. Curvy. Sexy. Beautiful. Spirited. Friendly. Skinny. Funny. Confident. Compassionate. Sweet. Creative. Ambitious. Hard-working. Amiable. Fit. Survivor. Sensitive. Courageous. Calm. Statuesque. Down to earth. Laid back. Tenacious. Driven.

Enough about me, let's talk about you.

Kidding, I'm kidding!

I know those are only a few of the thousands of adjectives we may use to describe ourselves. Yes, those are generally the more positive ones, but how often do we use the less positive ones? Hopefully, we're aware that they do exist and we are truthful with ourselves about how they pertain to us. There's nothing wrong with seeing yourself with rose-tinted glasses; it's actually a great coping strategy for getting along in such a competitive world. In order to sell ourselves, whether it be to a potential job, partner or friend, we have to believe in what we're selling. (If we're selling ourselves, does that mean we're our own pimps? Hmmm, ponderate on that.) But what happens when how we see ourselves collides with how we are behaving?

Yeah, my brain hurts too.

So are we lying to ourselves? Are we big ole hypocrites? Of course we are, we're human! As I've stated before, there's a certain level of denial that all of us operate under to protect ourselves from dwelling and ruminating on our flaws. However, when we continuously ignore the incongruence between our behavior and how we define ourselves, it's very easy to become emotionally and developmentally stagnant.

That probably makes more sense in my head. Here are some examples:

1. Your friend who always talks about how ready s/he is to get married and have children but is the epitome of commitment phobia.
2. The person who describes themselves as athletic but can barely breathe walking up the stairs.
3. Your co-worker who says they are hard-working but gets to work late, leaves early and passes their responsibilities on to others.
4. The person who says they are punctual but often shows up late.
5. Calling yourself a night-owl when you can barely stay up past 10 pm.

Of course, we are not going to be how we describe ourselves all the time. I would describe myself as intelligent, but do you know how many times I've parked in front of someone's driveway?! (It's by the grace of the parking angels that I haven't been towed...yet.) We all have our moments of contradictory behavior. However, there comes a point when your behavior may be an indication that you truly aren't the way you think you are.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an indicator of growth and/or that we're engaging in healthier behavior. For example, a friend of mine would easily describe themselves as athletically challenged. Yet they've started training for a 5K event and go running several times a week. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Some people choose to ignore or find ways to justify their incongruent behavior. They tell themselves they can't do something or they can't change because of whatever excuse reason. Well, Can't lives on Won't street. (Thanks, A.S.) When we keep living in denial, we're missing the opportunity to either make necessary changes in our lives or to truly embrace who we are and the choices we make.

Although there were numerous reasons for me to leave Sexy Heroin alone a long time ago, none of them were compelling enough to me...until I started feeling like I couldn't respect myself. How I saw myself as a person and being involved with SH at the same time started to conflict. How could I truly be this self-aware, self-confident, and emotionally intelligent woman and deal with him at the same time? It didn't add up. I had 3 options: 1. continue to ignore these thoughts and feelings 2. change how I see myself to accommodate my unhealthy situationship or C. leave him alone so that I could continue believe myself to be all those things. I (finally) chose C.

I'll be damned if I have to start describing myself as a weak-willed, emotionally-flagellating sucker for bulls*it!

I Quit You

                            

Dear Men,

I really love you...a lot. Some of you are so sexy, so smart and smell really good. I like the way you walk, the bass in your voice and your facial hair. You know how to make me laugh when I need to and can be very comforting when I'm having a rough day. Some of you give really good hugs and know how to make a woman feel valued and loved. You guys are awesome and I appreciate you.

Unfortunately, none of the guys I've dated recently fall into the awesomeness category. I've been dating or entangled with the others, you know, the chicken nuggets. These are the ones that give you awesome men a bad name and are ruining the image of all men, awesome ones included. Based on my personal experience, there seems to be a lot of them, whether you meet them organically or through the interwebs. Obviously, there are some good ones out there, but I think my friends married them already. And for some reason, they don't travel in packs.

Sigh.

What's that? You want to laugh at my pain? Okay, fine, I'll share. But please, do not judge me by the choices I've made. I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray. As women, we're constantly being told that our requirements are unrealistic and we all want to find a unicorn in a field of 4-leaf clovers that are tended by leprechauns with pots of gold and whatnot. So I've tried my best to keep an open mind; however, an open mind has led to some very...interesting dating experiences.

1. Sexy Heroin - this guy has been around off and on for an embarrassing amount of time. I'm currently in detox mode, hence the reason I attempted to start dating again. However, after some of the dates I've had, it's no wonder I kept going back! (See what I did there, I said kept, as in the past tense, as I'm not going back no more times in the present or the future...but all prayers and words of encouragement are welcome!)

2. Around the Way Guy - (Not as the male counterpart to LL's "Around the Way Girl," which is still a great song, btw.) Oakland is a fairly small town dressed up to look like a medium-sized city. So of course, you see the same folks repeatedly over the years. AWG and I had been introduced a couple times (and there was the drunken neck biting incident of '09, but I digress and no, I wasn't the biter), had folks in common and sometimes saw each other at the gym. He finally asked me out. Nothing was really that wrong with him; he was great on paper. However, he thought that his stories of excessive drinking and smoking pot during college days were totally enthralling and that it was appropriate to let me know he was checking out my booty.

3. Doppelganger Guy - I'd seen this guy several times at the grocery store and he looked like the twin brother of a guy I once was crazy about. Yes, I have a type, okay? Our paths had crossed enough for us to actually go out on a date. The first date was good; conversation flowed, he made me laugh and I thought he was attractive. The 2nd date was alright. Less to talk about, but still, I had hope. The third date...there wasn't one. "You didn't get my text to call me so we can reschedule?" Uh, no, negro, that's when you pick up the phone and call me. When he started talking about how modern technology can be so unreliable, all hope was gone.

4. Drunken Irish Guy - Although I immediately noticed that he actually was not 5'10, I let it slide because we were at least eye level. Lunch with a few drinks led to him trying to make out with me at the bar. I'm pretty sure I didn't extend an invitation for him to slip me the tongue, but um, okay. We proceed to another bar and as he leans in, tongue extended, I'm forced to put my foot down. "Yeah, I'm really not into the whole making out at the bar scene." "Oh, okay, I hear you." He must have started pouring the 6 subsequent beers in his ears, because he seemed unable to hear me when I kept saying I didn't want to kiss him. After he became the obnoxious, drunken Irish guy, I took it as my cue to exit.

5. 5150 Guy - For those of you who are not fully acquainted with the penal code, 5150 means involuntary psychiatric hold (aka cray-cray). I sensed this guy was toeing the very fine line between different-weird and different-interesting, but was willing to give him a shot because he was attractive and 6'2. Within the first 2 minutes of our date, it was confirmed - he was different-crazy. Besides the fact that he talked at me the entire time, his choice of topics ranged from being connected to the biorhythms of the city and how he didn't have enough currency to travel internationally (or pay for a meal at Chipotle, apparently). When he mentioned that people who are 5150'd aren't the insane ones, that they're actually the most intelligent people and that's why they are feared, my spidey sense told me that he's been 5150'd at least once in his life. I don't need to date the population with whom I work, m'kay?


Henceforth, therewith, me done. As a preventative step from becoming the queen of all bitter b*tches, I've decided to recuse myself from the dating scene. Clearly, the universe is letting me know that right now, there are other things I need to focus on, including my full recovery from Sexy Heroin. Besides, I'm quite exhausperated (exhausted from being exasperated all the time) anyway. 

The Silent Treatment

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That was my rendition of the silent treatment in a blog. Obviously, I could just not write anything, but how would you know that I was giving you the silent treatment? It's only effective if the person knows that you are intentionally not talking to them. But why would I give you the silent treatment? Could it be that you're not reading my blog consistently? Or maybe you're not commenting? How about you haven't reposted it on FB or Twitter enough times? Maybe I'm in a bad mood and deciding to take it out on you. Or it could be that I'm tired of green monkeys wearing blue tutus to the after party at the taco truck. Whatever the reason, I'm not telling you because I'm not talking to you. Did you peep the ellipses?

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Wait, where are you going? I'm not done giving you the silent treatment.

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Okay, I think I'm done now.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the silent treatment will tell you that it is extremely frustrating dealing with someone who stops talking to you...for no apparent reason. Obviously, there is a reason, but because your friend/boo/family member/co-worker is no longer in communication, you are left alone to jump to conclusions. Did you forget a birthday? Did you ignore the thing they asked you not to ignore? Did you say something spectacularly wrong? Clearly, it's the green monkeys in blue tutus because what else can it be?

As a mature adult, the best way to deal with a silent treatment is to let your silent tormentor know that you understand they are feeling some kind of way. When they are ready to have a conversation about the issue, you are ready to listen and you are here for them. You are willing and able to work on the relationship with them. Then y'all can hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhht. And those green monkey are chilling at my house right now.

Forget about the mature adult, let's talk about us, the real adults. I don't know about you, but I don't like being punished like I'm a child. That's exactly what the silent treatment is - punishment. The silent tormentor feels that you've aggrieved them in some kind of way, so to "teach" you not to do that again, they withdraw and withhold.

Not cool.

Again, your response could be really mature and thoughtful. But if I'm being treated like a child, I just might act like one. "Oh, you're giving me the silent treatment. Well, I'm giving it right back to you." When the original tormentor is done being mad, you're now upset and silently treatmenting them back. And guess what? Nothing gets resolved. What ends up happening is that resentment and frustration build up because needs are not getting met and the original issue doesn't get dealt with. It also sets up an unhealthy and childish relationship dynamic in which no one is communicating. You can forget all about singing Kumbaya.

Now some may argue that they disengage because they don't want to say something out of anger. If you feel you cannot appropriately regulate your anger, it's important that you acknowledge that before taking a time out. Telling your tormentee that you are feeling some kind of way right now and will talk to them when you have calmed down is one of the best things you can do. While they may still suffer through trying to figure out what they did to upset you, at least they know there's a reason for your silence. It will also decrease the likelihood they will try to punish you back. However, don't leave them hanging for too long. If you want your relationship to be a happy and healthy one, it's crucial to keep the lines of communication open. After all, how are they going to know about your green monkey fatigue if you don't tell them?

History vs. His Story

"I heard that he went as far as to get her a ring, ask her to marry him and then left her at the altar!"
"She has 3 kids by 3 baby daddies!"
"S/he has a new boo every other week!"
"His nickname is Can't Keep a Job."
"She likes older men with a lot of money."

The list goes on and on about what can be said about someone's life. While all those statements may be true about your sister/neighbor/cousin/boss, there's always the story behind it. There's a reason why they chose their path, a reason that explains their behavior. Often we don't have the whole story, but are more than ready to make snap judgments about the person who's story we're telling.

"I would never talk to him/her again if they treated me that way!"
"S/he should really be careful about making all those babies! I don't want to pay for them!"
"S/he's so trifling. They're too old to play these games."
"Can't Keep A Job, Can't Keep a Mate is what I say!"
"She ain't nothing but a gold digger. She don't mess with no broke..."

Although our judgments may truly hit the nail on the head, many times we forget there's an actual living, breathing person involved in the story. A human. A flawed, imperfect human. To us, it's just another example of how people are stupid and make dumb-ass mistakes. It makes us feel better about ourselves, because we would never, ever, ever deal with that trifling BS. Right?

Ha!

We often conveniently forget that we have our own story as well. If someone were to tell some of your stories, how would you sound? I'm going to guess you probably sound like a hot mess...just like the rest of us. When we do it, it's okay because we have "serious reasons" and "genuine explanations." Do any of these statements sounds familiar?

"I'm trying to find myself."
"This is my truth."
"Not everyone, especially me, wants to take the traditional path."
"I believe in an unconventional life."
"I manage 19 people."
"I like living frugally, it's really teaching me the value of money."
"S/he doesn't know what s/he wants, but I know that s/he really loves me."

I'm going to go out on a limb - I bet those people we're talking about have the same "serious reasons" for their behavior that we have for our own.

Why do we do this?

Psychobabble reason: we must see ourselves in the most positive light as to not cause ourselves psychic stress in an already highly stressful world. It allows us to continue to build relationships and have life experiences because we can trust ourselves to make the most sense out of situations that may not always make the most sense.*

Real reason: we are full of sh*t and like to live in denial.

When we make excuses for ourselves, we are not dealing with the root cause of our issues or confronting the behavior. Ironically, we're surprised when it keeps on happening. Or really, when we keep on doing it. Many people like to live in denial because then they don't have to do anything about the issue. We believe that once we identify the problem, we have to do something about it. That's not necessarily true. If you want things to change, then yes, you have to change them. But if you're not quite ready yet, then don't. Sometimes, just taking the first step of identifying the issue is enough...for right now. And if you're okay with how it's working, no one is going to make you change. Until you get good and uncomfortable with your circumstances, you won't be invested enough to make changes. Just don't be surprised - when you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

So next time you hear about someone else's story, be gentle in your judgment of them. They're just leading an unconventional, non-traditional life, while finding themselves living frugally, which is their truth.



*if you don't understand the psychobabblitic reason, don't worry, I totally made it up; I don't understand it either. :)

All By Myself

A while ago, I moved into a small apartment after living in my family home for several years. While everything else in my life has been a bit of a mess and sometimes unhappy making, the one thing that has given me solace is my apartment. Although I haven't named it, it feels like my apartment is my friend and when I haven't been spending much time at home, I actually miss it. Decorated the way I like, it gets great light, I have a little outside patio and I can pick lemons right off the tree by taking about 7 steps from my front door. It's pretty awesome. But the best part? I live alone.

This isn't the first time I've lived alone, but it had been quite some time since I had. Although living at home definitely had its benefits (thanks dad, for all the Sunday breakfasts), it stopped feeling like my home at a certain point. I couldn't really explain it other than I just needed my own space, a place that reflected who I am and the things I liked. Plus, I felt like I was getting too old to live there, no matter how great it was (Papa Suddy is an amazing roommate). However, there are also about 8,347 benefits to living alone. Here are 9 of them:

1. Nudity - although I  personally am not shy about being naked, lots of people are. When you live by yourself, you can walk around your place naked - whether it be to grab something from the living room before hopping in the shower or because you just don't want to be bothered with a robe while you make yourself some tea (be careful with that hot water though).

2. Sex - while you're getting your groove on (with someone or yourself), you can be as loud and adventurous as you want and not worry about how much information your roommate is getting about how much you like...uh, the things you like.

3. Food - who took the last of the orange juice without replacing it? Who ate your chunky monkey ice cream? That would be you. Not only is all the food the fridge yours, you can have some of your more weird unique foods around without being judged.

4. Company - you can invite anyone you want over, anytime you like. You don't have to worry about interrupting anyone's sleep schedule or if your guest gets along with your roommate.

5. Television - no arguing over who gets to hold the remote or why you have to watch the Storage Wars marathon. (Seriously, can you believe what gets put on TV these days?)

6. Cleanliness - if you don't feel like doing the dishes right away, don't. If it's been 6 months since you've cleaned your bathroom (which is pretty gross), at least you know the ring in the tub is all your own filth. Or if you need like to dust and vaccum everyday, have at it. It's your place, your standard of cleanliness.

7. Money - you don't have to worry if the electricity is going to get cut off because you're the (hopefully) responsible adult who makes sure the bill is paid. If you think cable is frivolous, you don't have to have it and pay half of the $2,390 cable bill. You are not dependent on anyone to take care of what happens at home.

8. Style - there may be some people who think your framed poster of Bob Marley smoking a joint is a little tacky, but who cares, because you like it! You can have wicker furniture in your living room, pictures of your cat all over the place and a proud display of your beanie baby collection because that's how you want your place to look. People may not want to come over because the eyes on your beanie babies follow them wherever they go, but that's why they don't live with you.

9. Bathroom concerns - everybody farts and poops, we all know that. However, if you're a shy farter, you may not feel comfortable pooting in front of others. When you live alone, no one is around to experience it! Same for going boo boo. While yours may be equally as devastating as someone else's, it's yours! Nothing worse than walking in behind a boo boo that's not yours.

With all that being said, there are a few downsides to living alone.It can be lonely, always coming home to a quiet house. You are responsible for everything - food, bills, making sure you have toilet paper, taking out the garbage, etc.; there's no one else to pick up the slack. Your secret single behaviors may develop into some serious quirks because there's no one around to let you know you're becoming strange. If you pick wisely or are lucky, living with someone else can be a lot of fun too. But...living alone is pretty awesome. I think if it's possible, everyone should live alone at least one time in their life. It can be empowering, knowing that you can take care of business by yourself and most importantly, you can thoroughly enjoy your own company.

Besides, what's better than making tea in the nude? Oh right, blogging in the nude. :)

You Hurt My Feelings!

For those of you who actually know me, it might be shocking to find out that I was quite the sensitive (and dramatic) little girl. The worst thing my mother could ever say was that she was disappointed in me. You know how you start crying so hard, you can't really breathe and your face is all red and contorted? That was me all day. I also liked to proclaim that my mommy didn't love me anymore and that she was very mean. (I told you - dramatic). I'm not sure when I outgrew it (for the most part), but my origins have brought about a mix of empathy and frustration for those sensitive souls out there. I empathize because I can identify, as I still have some sensitive tendencies (sensitendencies). But there is also a level of frustration because sensitive people can be very difficult to deal with, particularly those who are overly sensitive.

Contrary to the image of hugging puppies and picking daffodils, sensitivity is not synonymous with being sweet or nice. While some may understand that they are sensitive, they haven't learned yet how to best manage their feelings. They become defensive and may lash out as a measure of self-protection. It can be difficult to maintain a relationship with a sensitive person as you are often afraid that you'll say the wrong thing in the wrong way with the wrong tone of voice. Anything you say can be interpreted as a criticism and treated as such, sometimes resulting in a discussionment you were unprepared to have. Some examples? Okay.

You say: So, I was talking to Bob about your presentation and there were some things you said that really made me think even though I don't agree with everything.
Sensitive Person (SP) hears: I was talking about you behind your back. I think you're wrong/stupid/have bad ideas.
SP says: You know, I spent 2 weeks preparing for that presentation and it's fine if you disagree, but you should probably do your own research so you can form a real opinion.

You say: Sorry but tonight is not a good night for us to hang out.
SP hears: I don't like you anymore and don't want to spend anytime with you.
SP says: Fine. I would rather stay home anyway.

You say: I really liked that red dress/blue shirt/Member's Only jacket you were wearing last night.
SP hears: I hated the green dress/yellow shirt/pea coat you wore the other day.
SP says: Why, because I don't look as fat/ugly/lame in it?

It can be quite maddening.

Obviously, these are just examples and generalizations. Not all SPs would respond this way, not all
SPs have difficulty in expressing their feelings...I promise I'm not criticizing you, SPs. Please, no angry emails!

In my experience, with those SPs who are not particularly insightful or emotionally aware, the relationship will eventually suffer. It's difficult to share your true opinions with someone who may take offense to anything you say, even if they ask you. When you can't be your true authentic self, which sometimes means saying the hard things (no, you don't look good in that dress, yes, that woman is out of your league), the relationship becomes stifled. You walk around on eggshells, wondering if the next thing out of your mouth is going to cause tears or rage or both. It becomes easier to keep a distance which happens kind of naturally, because basically, you're faking intimacy anyway.

If you're an SP, it's really important that you take ownership of it - and learn how to incorporate it into the way you relate to others. It's great to announce that you're sensitive, but does that mean I can't tell you anything in case it hurts your feelings? It may mean that I have to adjust how I speak to you, but it also means that you have to be willing to hear it for what it is. If you're upset, tell me why. Did it hurt your feelings because that particular issue is very touchy? Was it how I said it? Was it when I said it? Was it my tone of voice? It's important that you share this with your friend/co-worker/family/partner so they can temper how they approach you. Both of you have to feel comfortable about communicating with one another for a harmonious relationship.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Whether it's due to wiring, upbringing, environment or all of the above, it's a part of who you are and how you view the world. However, we do not live in a sensitive world; it's getting progressively more insensitive as we have a lot more technology to hide behind. Although suggesting that one grow a thicker skin or man up is very easy to do, the work of actually doing it is much harder. Essentially, you are being asked to change who and how you are. That's not fair. Unfortunately, life is not fair either.

So man up!

I say: I'm just kidding.
SP hears: I think you're too sensitive and can't handle the truth.
Aware SP hears: I'm just kidding.
Aware SP says: Ha ha.

Get Thee to the Corner!

When I think of self-care, I envision myself at a spa, with a beautiful man rubbing all the knots out of my back. I'm also sipping on a refreshing beverage, like water infused with cucumber/lemon/vodka (or all 3). I am thinking about nothing, just enjoying the massage (and the man). I can also imagine myself at a beach in some foreign locale that requires a passport and a resort to temporarily call home. In both visions, all that is required of me is to do nothing. Unfortunately, I am in neither of those places. I'm at home on a gloomy, Bay Area "summer" day, trying my best to think about nothing, albeit unsuccessfully.

My life is a hot mess right now. Not in a I-can't-get-out-of-bed-don't-want-to-do-nothing kind of way, more like sigh-wtfgoeson-I'm-tired-of-this-sh*t kind of way. Although I'm generally not prone to hot messiness, it feels like it's coming to me in spades. I don't know if I'm going left, right, up, down, under or over. As a person with type-A tendencies (who professionally tells people how to get it together), it is my natural inclination to fix it and fix it right now. However, I've been trying and it's not working.

I'm taking a timeout. I've pulled my chair to the corner and plopped my emotionally exhausted, overwrought- self down.

The concept of time-out as a parenting technique gained a lot of popularity toward the end of the 1900s (sounds like a long ass time ago, doesn't it?). Instead of spanking, parents were encouraged to use time-outs with their children to redirect their misbehavior. (It was also the butt of many jokes, particularly of black comedians, as that was considered "white" parenting - black kids got whuppings.) Well, time-outs aren't just for kids; like nap time, adults need them too. So I'm taking me a time-out.

What does a time-out look like for me? You can't see it with the naked eye; I'm not literally sitting in the corner. I've just decided to take the advice I give to many of my clients - stop it! (Please watch the youtube clip above if you want to know how it works.) When your life feels like everything is out of control, it's very easy to get sucked in to trying fix it. You want everything to get back in order; you want to feel comfortable again in the delusion that you have complete control over it (ha!). But somehow you find that you keep banging your head against the wall, over and over again. Now that my head f*cking hurts, I think it might be time for me to quit.

Duh.

It seems so simple, but it's quite a challenge. I've been ruminating and obsessing so much about my mess, that it is actually making me physically sick. I've decided to give my mind a break. No more thinking about it, no more action steps, no more talking about it - for at least a week. I might even take 2 weeks off! When those thoughts start sneaking in, I literally tell myself stop it. Sometimes I even growl at myself or yell really loudly. While I've definitely struggled and yelled at myself many times, I do feel a little bit lighter. In giving myself permission to take a break, I'm also letting go of the idea that I have total control over what happens in my life. No matter what you do, there are just some things you can't plan for in life.

Otherwise, I would be an heiress by now.