For those of you who actually know me, it might be shocking to find out that I was quite the sensitive (and dramatic) little girl. The worst thing my mother could ever say was that she was disappointed in me. You know how you start crying so hard, you can't really breathe and your face is all red and contorted? That was me all day. I also liked to proclaim that my mommy didn't love me anymore and that she was very mean. (I told you - dramatic). I'm not sure when I outgrew it (for the most part), but my origins have brought about a mix of empathy and frustration for those sensitive souls out there. I empathize because I can identify, as I still have some sensitive tendencies (sensitendencies). But there is also a level of frustration because sensitive people can be very difficult to deal with, particularly those who are overly sensitive.
Contrary to the image of hugging puppies and picking daffodils, sensitivity is not synonymous with being sweet or nice. While some may understand that they are sensitive, they haven't learned yet how to best manage their feelings. They become defensive and may lash out as a measure of self-protection. It can be difficult to maintain a relationship with a sensitive person as you are often afraid that you'll say the wrong thing in the wrong way with the wrong tone of voice. Anything you say can be interpreted as a criticism and treated as such, sometimes resulting in a discussionment you were unprepared to have. Some examples? Okay.
You say: So, I was talking to Bob about your presentation and there were some things you said that really made me think even though I don't agree with everything.
Sensitive Person (SP) hears: I was talking about you behind your back. I think you're wrong/stupid/have bad ideas.
SP says: You know, I spent 2 weeks preparing for that presentation and it's fine if you disagree, but you should probably do your own research so you can form a real opinion.
You say: Sorry but tonight is not a good night for us to hang out.
SP hears: I don't like you anymore and don't want to spend anytime with you.
SP says: Fine. I would rather stay home anyway.
You say: I really liked that red dress/blue shirt/Member's Only jacket you were wearing last night.
SP hears: I hated the green dress/yellow shirt/pea coat you wore the other day.
SP says: Why, because I don't look as fat/ugly/lame in it?
It can be quite maddening.
Obviously, these are just examples and generalizations. Not all SPs would respond this way, not all
SPs have difficulty in expressing their feelings...I promise I'm not criticizing you, SPs. Please, no angry emails!
In my experience, with those SPs who are not particularly insightful or emotionally aware, the relationship will eventually suffer. It's difficult to share your true opinions with someone who may take offense to anything you say, even if they ask you. When you can't be your true authentic self, which sometimes means saying the hard things (no, you don't look good in that dress, yes, that woman is out of your league), the relationship becomes stifled. You walk around on eggshells, wondering if the next thing out of your mouth is going to cause tears or rage or both. It becomes easier to keep a distance which happens kind of naturally, because basically, you're faking intimacy anyway.
If you're an SP, it's really important that you take ownership of it - and learn how to incorporate it into the way you relate to others. It's great to announce that you're sensitive, but does that mean I can't tell you anything in case it hurts your feelings? It may mean that I have to adjust how I speak to you, but it also means that you have to be willing to hear it for what it is. If you're upset, tell me why. Did it hurt your feelings because that particular issue is very touchy? Was it how I said it? Was it when I said it? Was it my tone of voice? It's important that you share this with your friend/co-worker/family/partner so they can temper how they approach you. Both of you have to feel comfortable about communicating with one another for a harmonious relationship.
There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Whether it's due to wiring, upbringing, environment or all of the above, it's a part of who you are and how you view the world. However, we do not live in a sensitive world; it's getting progressively more insensitive as we have a lot more technology to hide behind. Although suggesting that one grow a thicker skin or man up is very easy to do, the work of actually doing it is much harder. Essentially, you are being asked to change who and how you are. That's not fair. Unfortunately, life is not fair either.
So man up!
I say: I'm just kidding.
SP hears: I think you're too sensitive and can't handle the truth.
Aware SP hears: I'm just kidding.
Aware SP says: Ha ha.
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