I Quit You

                            

Dear Men,

I really love you...a lot. Some of you are so sexy, so smart and smell really good. I like the way you walk, the bass in your voice and your facial hair. You know how to make me laugh when I need to and can be very comforting when I'm having a rough day. Some of you give really good hugs and know how to make a woman feel valued and loved. You guys are awesome and I appreciate you.

Unfortunately, none of the guys I've dated recently fall into the awesomeness category. I've been dating or entangled with the others, you know, the chicken nuggets. These are the ones that give you awesome men a bad name and are ruining the image of all men, awesome ones included. Based on my personal experience, there seems to be a lot of them, whether you meet them organically or through the interwebs. Obviously, there are some good ones out there, but I think my friends married them already. And for some reason, they don't travel in packs.

Sigh.

What's that? You want to laugh at my pain? Okay, fine, I'll share. But please, do not judge me by the choices I've made. I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray. As women, we're constantly being told that our requirements are unrealistic and we all want to find a unicorn in a field of 4-leaf clovers that are tended by leprechauns with pots of gold and whatnot. So I've tried my best to keep an open mind; however, an open mind has led to some very...interesting dating experiences.

1. Sexy Heroin - this guy has been around off and on for an embarrassing amount of time. I'm currently in detox mode, hence the reason I attempted to start dating again. However, after some of the dates I've had, it's no wonder I kept going back! (See what I did there, I said kept, as in the past tense, as I'm not going back no more times in the present or the future...but all prayers and words of encouragement are welcome!)

2. Around the Way Guy - (Not as the male counterpart to LL's "Around the Way Girl," which is still a great song, btw.) Oakland is a fairly small town dressed up to look like a medium-sized city. So of course, you see the same folks repeatedly over the years. AWG and I had been introduced a couple times (and there was the drunken neck biting incident of '09, but I digress and no, I wasn't the biter), had folks in common and sometimes saw each other at the gym. He finally asked me out. Nothing was really that wrong with him; he was great on paper. However, he thought that his stories of excessive drinking and smoking pot during college days were totally enthralling and that it was appropriate to let me know he was checking out my booty.

3. Doppelganger Guy - I'd seen this guy several times at the grocery store and he looked like the twin brother of a guy I once was crazy about. Yes, I have a type, okay? Our paths had crossed enough for us to actually go out on a date. The first date was good; conversation flowed, he made me laugh and I thought he was attractive. The 2nd date was alright. Less to talk about, but still, I had hope. The third date...there wasn't one. "You didn't get my text to call me so we can reschedule?" Uh, no, negro, that's when you pick up the phone and call me. When he started talking about how modern technology can be so unreliable, all hope was gone.

4. Drunken Irish Guy - Although I immediately noticed that he actually was not 5'10, I let it slide because we were at least eye level. Lunch with a few drinks led to him trying to make out with me at the bar. I'm pretty sure I didn't extend an invitation for him to slip me the tongue, but um, okay. We proceed to another bar and as he leans in, tongue extended, I'm forced to put my foot down. "Yeah, I'm really not into the whole making out at the bar scene." "Oh, okay, I hear you." He must have started pouring the 6 subsequent beers in his ears, because he seemed unable to hear me when I kept saying I didn't want to kiss him. After he became the obnoxious, drunken Irish guy, I took it as my cue to exit.

5. 5150 Guy - For those of you who are not fully acquainted with the penal code, 5150 means involuntary psychiatric hold (aka cray-cray). I sensed this guy was toeing the very fine line between different-weird and different-interesting, but was willing to give him a shot because he was attractive and 6'2. Within the first 2 minutes of our date, it was confirmed - he was different-crazy. Besides the fact that he talked at me the entire time, his choice of topics ranged from being connected to the biorhythms of the city and how he didn't have enough currency to travel internationally (or pay for a meal at Chipotle, apparently). When he mentioned that people who are 5150'd aren't the insane ones, that they're actually the most intelligent people and that's why they are feared, my spidey sense told me that he's been 5150'd at least once in his life. I don't need to date the population with whom I work, m'kay?


Henceforth, therewith, me done. As a preventative step from becoming the queen of all bitter b*tches, I've decided to recuse myself from the dating scene. Clearly, the universe is letting me know that right now, there are other things I need to focus on, including my full recovery from Sexy Heroin. Besides, I'm quite exhausperated (exhausted from being exasperated all the time) anyway.