When I think of self-care, I envision myself at a spa, with a beautiful man rubbing all the knots out of my back. I'm also sipping on a refreshing beverage, like water infused with cucumber/lemon/vodka (or all 3). I am thinking about nothing, just enjoying the massage (and the man). I can also imagine myself at a beach in some foreign locale that requires a passport and a resort to temporarily call home. In both visions, all that is required of me is to do nothing. Unfortunately, I am in neither of those places. I'm at home on a gloomy, Bay Area "summer" day, trying my best to think about nothing, albeit unsuccessfully.
My life is a hot mess right now. Not in a I-can't-get-out-of-bed-don't-want-to-do-nothing kind of way, more like sigh-wtfgoeson-I'm-tired-of-this-sh*t kind of way. Although I'm generally not prone to hot messiness, it feels like it's coming to me in spades. I don't know if I'm going left, right, up, down, under or over. As a person with type-A tendencies (who professionally tells people how to get it together), it is my natural inclination to fix it and fix it right now. However, I've been trying and it's not working.
I'm taking a timeout. I've pulled my chair to the corner and plopped my emotionally exhausted, overwrought- self down.
The concept of time-out as a parenting technique gained a lot of popularity toward the end of the 1900s (sounds like a long ass time ago, doesn't it?). Instead of spanking, parents were encouraged to use time-outs with their children to redirect their misbehavior. (It was also the butt of many jokes, particularly of black comedians, as that was considered "white" parenting - black kids got whuppings.) Well, time-outs aren't just for kids; like nap time, adults need them too. So I'm taking me a time-out.
What does a time-out look like for me? You can't see it with the naked eye; I'm not literally sitting in the corner. I've just decided to take the advice I give to many of my clients - stop it! (Please watch the youtube clip above if you want to know how it works.) When your life feels like everything is out of control, it's very easy to get sucked in to trying fix it. You want everything to get back in order; you want to feel comfortable again in the delusion that you have complete control over it (ha!). But somehow you find that you keep banging your head against the wall, over and over again. Now that my head f*cking hurts, I think it might be time for me to quit.
Duh.
It seems so simple, but it's quite a challenge. I've been ruminating and obsessing so much about my mess, that it is actually making me physically sick. I've decided to give my mind a break. No more thinking about it, no more action steps, no more talking about it - for at least a week. I might even take 2 weeks off! When those thoughts start sneaking in, I literally tell myself stop it. Sometimes I even growl at myself or yell really loudly. While I've definitely struggled and yelled at myself many times, I do feel a little bit lighter. In giving myself permission to take a break, I'm also letting go of the idea that I have total control over what happens in my life. No matter what you do, there are just some things you can't plan for in life.
Otherwise, I would be an heiress by now.
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