History vs. His Story

"I heard that he went as far as to get her a ring, ask her to marry him and then left her at the altar!"
"She has 3 kids by 3 baby daddies!"
"S/he has a new boo every other week!"
"His nickname is Can't Keep a Job."
"She likes older men with a lot of money."

The list goes on and on about what can be said about someone's life. While all those statements may be true about your sister/neighbor/cousin/boss, there's always the story behind it. There's a reason why they chose their path, a reason that explains their behavior. Often we don't have the whole story, but are more than ready to make snap judgments about the person who's story we're telling.

"I would never talk to him/her again if they treated me that way!"
"S/he should really be careful about making all those babies! I don't want to pay for them!"
"S/he's so trifling. They're too old to play these games."
"Can't Keep A Job, Can't Keep a Mate is what I say!"
"She ain't nothing but a gold digger. She don't mess with no broke..."

Although our judgments may truly hit the nail on the head, many times we forget there's an actual living, breathing person involved in the story. A human. A flawed, imperfect human. To us, it's just another example of how people are stupid and make dumb-ass mistakes. It makes us feel better about ourselves, because we would never, ever, ever deal with that trifling BS. Right?

Ha!

We often conveniently forget that we have our own story as well. If someone were to tell some of your stories, how would you sound? I'm going to guess you probably sound like a hot mess...just like the rest of us. When we do it, it's okay because we have "serious reasons" and "genuine explanations." Do any of these statements sounds familiar?

"I'm trying to find myself."
"This is my truth."
"Not everyone, especially me, wants to take the traditional path."
"I believe in an unconventional life."
"I manage 19 people."
"I like living frugally, it's really teaching me the value of money."
"S/he doesn't know what s/he wants, but I know that s/he really loves me."

I'm going to go out on a limb - I bet those people we're talking about have the same "serious reasons" for their behavior that we have for our own.

Why do we do this?

Psychobabble reason: we must see ourselves in the most positive light as to not cause ourselves psychic stress in an already highly stressful world. It allows us to continue to build relationships and have life experiences because we can trust ourselves to make the most sense out of situations that may not always make the most sense.*

Real reason: we are full of sh*t and like to live in denial.

When we make excuses for ourselves, we are not dealing with the root cause of our issues or confronting the behavior. Ironically, we're surprised when it keeps on happening. Or really, when we keep on doing it. Many people like to live in denial because then they don't have to do anything about the issue. We believe that once we identify the problem, we have to do something about it. That's not necessarily true. If you want things to change, then yes, you have to change them. But if you're not quite ready yet, then don't. Sometimes, just taking the first step of identifying the issue is enough...for right now. And if you're okay with how it's working, no one is going to make you change. Until you get good and uncomfortable with your circumstances, you won't be invested enough to make changes. Just don't be surprised - when you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

So next time you hear about someone else's story, be gentle in your judgment of them. They're just leading an unconventional, non-traditional life, while finding themselves living frugally, which is their truth.



*if you don't understand the psychobabblitic reason, don't worry, I totally made it up; I don't understand it either. :)