As human beings, we're very similar. We all need to breathe, eat, poop and sleep. What makes us unique is our little idiosyncrasies, our weird little habits that we let only a select few know about or see. Although it seems like all of us (especially women) have a laundry list of characteristics and qualities that we look for in a potential mate, ultimately we're really just looking for someone who will accept our delight in eating baby carrots with peanut butter. #don'tknockittilyoutryit.
Recently, I've thrown my hat back in the dating ring and as much as I'm trying not to be jaded, it is very difficult! Don't get me wrong; I love men. I am very fortunate to have some very positive relationships with men, both within my family of origin as well as my family of choice. I don't think all men are cheating dogs and I really like looking at some of them. However, I've learned that when it comes to dating women, many men are absolutely clueless and engage in some dumbassery that knocks them out of the game before it even starts. I can't help but wonder - is it our faults because we didn't tell them and they continue to behave in the same way?
So in Part 1, we are talking about first part of dating - the initial connection, pre-first date phase. Although I'm using my perspective as a heterosexual woman, these suggestions are really for the pursuer role regardless of sexual orientation.
Here's the scene: You're riding BART (the subway) and you notice there's a pretty woman a few feet away. Usually people don't make eye contact on the morning commute, but she catches you looking at her and she smiles. Yes! She's giving you permission to approach. Thank goodness you ate your Wheaties because you're extra-witty this morning. Soon, you're both laughing and as the train gets to your stop, you get her number. You definitely want to see her again.
This is what you do:
1. Call her. Simple concept, yes, but frequently ignored. Although text messaging has (unfortunately) become the norm in communicating, this will set you apart. There's nothing more annoying than someone you don't know very well trying to have a conversation with you via text. Some people believe in the requisite 3-5 days, but if the conversation was good and you like her, call her sooner than that. Maybe not 15 minutes after you met her (hello stalker!), but within a day or two.
2. Be curious about her. The art of conversation is a back and forth exchange; it's not just your chance to talk all about yourself.
3. Keep it light, both in your line of questioning and what you share. There's plenty of time to share your baggage, if this is the right person to share it with. Think about it - if you go out on a date and there's no chemistry, this person, who's basically stranger, knows all about your struggle with huffing paint in the 90s, your intense fear of shadow puppetry and how you peed in the bed until you were 16.
4. Stay appropriate. If your intention is just to bone, disregard all of this; put it out there and see what you get. However, if you are interested in dating her, do not get overly sexual, if at all. There's a myth out there that women know immediately if they would sleep with you; I don't think that's necessarily true, at least not for myself and most of the women I know. Generally, there are two categories when it comes to sex: Hell NO! or I'm Not Sure Yet. (Sometimes there is a Fa Sho category, but that tends to happen rarely and is often due to specific circumstances such as Vegas or vacation.) Personally, when a man starts talking about sex and we haven't even been on a date yet, it makes me uncomfortable.
5. Ask her out. The only way to know if there's something there between you, is to spend time together. And when you ask her out, do not ask over text!
Unfortunately, the first scenario doesn't happen nearly as often as one would hope. Dating really happens over the internet more often than not.
Scenario: You see this woman's picture and profile on matchchemistryharmonycupid.com. She's very attractive and according to the website, you have eating with chopsticks and using cherry flavored chapstick in common. You decide to send her a message.
1. Make sure the email is grammatically correct and spell-checked to the death. For your average smart chick, this is a bigger deal then you think. We'll let it slide if we like what you're saying and what you look like, but it can make a difference.
2. Do not address a woman by her body parts. You'd think this was a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised. (One guy addressed me as Miss Double DD. Not only was that grammatically redundant, it was offensive and inaccurate! We did not go out.)
3. Do not spend a month emailing and chatting. A couple of emails and ask for her phone number. Then see number 1 of the first scenario.
These are totally non-scientific, very subjective lists of dating suggestions that have been culled by talking to women I know and based on some of the crazy experiences we've had. These women are intelligent, attractive, educated and ambitious. Most importantly, they are really nice! However, the dating experiences we've had as a collective is enough to turn a nice woman into a crazy b*tch. If you know any single folks who can use these suggestions, please pass this on!
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