All Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

It was my senior year of high school. As I changed my clothes, a classmate (not a friend) asks me if I was still a virgin. Although it really was none of her business, I thought nothing of it when I said yes. Her response was "Stay that way," and she walked out. Um, okay. I didn't understand what she was talking about; to this day, I still don't as I remain a virgin.

Hahahahahaha. I couldn't even write that with a straight face!

As an adult, I now can recognize the wisdom in my classmate's words. As young, stupid, horny teenagers, many of us were in a hurry to be deflowered. If you were lucky, you lost your virginity to someone who cared about you, maybe even puppy-loved you a little bit and it's a cherished memory. Maybe you had rules and regulations; you had to be together this long before you would do this, and that long before you would do that. But once you start having sex, it's difficult to go back to not having sex. A lot of those rules and regulations get thrown out the window, right along with your drawls.

What are the rules of sex? According to Jill Scott, you should wait until the 5th date, to make sure that they're worthy (and not crazy). Some folks say you should do it when it feels right. Others say one should adhere to the 90 day rule. Unfortunately, most of these rules are the responsibility of the woman (in a heterosexual situation) to uphold. Men are encouraged to see how far they can get, but to be respectful of a woman's boundaries. This is not to say that some men don't have their own rules about sex; I just haven't talked to those guys.

Considering the all the potential pratfalls of sex (unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, no orgasm), many of us have a very casual attitude about it. There are all kinds of casual sexual relationships - booty calls, friends with benefits, out of town dalliances - all of which can be fantastic for those who engage in them. However, can having sex early impede the development of true feelings for someone else? Can it get in the way of getting to know someone or does it merely enhance the experience?

There's no absolute way to determine that, as each of us has varied experiences that contribute to our beliefs and feelings about sex. Yet, there seems to be an underlying belief that if a woman has sex with a man too soon, the chance of their encounter leading to a serious relationship diminishes greatly. For some folks, their goal is to not be in a relationship, so they're as happy as clams getting laid with no-strings. But for those who want to be in a relationship, sex can be difficult to navigate.

So should you wait?

If you're attracted to someone and really like them, there's a good chance there is some kind of emotion involved (for both men and women). When emotions are involved, sex becomes a lot more than a naked indoor sport. It can be easy to have a false sense of intimacy with someone you don't quite know yet nor have sorted out all your feelings. Of course, you're not going to know everything you need to before having sex, but is one date (or even 5 dates) enough time to figure out if you really like this person, so much so that you would allow them to see your scars and stretch marks (not to mention your awkward O face)?

So should you wait?

Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.

It depends. If your goal is merely to get some, get some! If you want to get to know this person, you might could wait a little while...after all, it's really hard to ask about their favorite movie in the midst of doing it. It's really up to you and your potential partner to decide what's right for the both of you. Sex isn't going to go anywhere, so take as much time as you need, whether it's 3 months, 3 weeks, 3 days or 3 minutes.

I hope it's more than 3 minutes though. Slut. ;)

BBD

It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, but the minute BBD's "Poison" comes on, I am immediately compelled to do the Running Man. Old Navy, the street corner, my car (a true sight to behold), my bathroom...I'm doing the Running Man regardless of where I am.* Luckily, over the last 20 years, I've honed my dancing skills; it's rare that I'm off-beat (but only in this scenario - I still count my steps in Turbo Kickboxing) so I feel no shame that as I wait in line to try on skirts at H&M, I'm breaking a sweat in front of random strangers.

Bell, Biv, DeVoe, thank you for bringing me so much joy...but I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about the other BBD - the bigger, better deal. While it may have nothing in common with the group, it is kind of like poison. When we're constantly searching for the BBD, we often overlook what we have. Our desire for something better can poison us against the good things we already have in our lives. We miss out on experiences, on people, on opportunities because we are keeping our options open for the bigger, better deal.
  
Does this mean you shouldn't want what's better or best? Of course not. There's nothing wrong with having goals; it's important that we continue to strive towards growth and improvement. However, it's problematic when you are perpetually dissatisfied. Nothing is as good as better. This search for a unicorn in a field of four-leaf clovers will only lead to analysis paralysis; you can spend your whole life looking for the BBD and wind up with nothing because you're so afraid that the next opportunity/shoe sale/baby boo that comes along will be even better.

This does not mean I'm advocating settling; I'm advocating for finding the balance between being content and making the best of what you have while keeping your eyes and ears open for the bigger, better deal. Though this does not always reply apply to every situation, it can be applicable to most things we deal with. For example, you are unhappy with your job. Given this economy, it's probably not the best idea to quit without having something line up. However, letting people know that you're looking for something new while focusing on the aspects of your current job that don't suck is a good way to find balance (and to minimize your desire to go postal). You get to keep your paycheck and still be proactive about finding the bigger, better job.

I know, it's easier said than done. Many of us have been taught at an early age to want the betterest thing, whatever that may be. We feel like a$$holes when we find out that what we have isn't the best, even if it's what we truly want.

I was recently reminded of this while on vacation with a friend. We were being pressured to buy a timeshare. Admittedly, they got me last time, so I already have one. When I told the salesman about the deal I have, he began telling me how his offer was better. I went into this presentation knowing that I was not going to buy anything, but I will admit, it was tempting. They use all kinds of Jedi mind trickeration to get people to purchase their timeshares, but what made me even briefly consider it (besides the free mimosas) was the idea of better. They had access to some really nice hotels, hotels that may be nicer that some of the ones I can access. Was I missing out on the bigger, better deal? Not really. Yet, I actually considered it because my fear was that I was missing out.

The irony - I haven't even used the plan I already have to even know what would be better! See how that mind trickeration works? Sneaky timeshare sales people Jedis.

~ Please close your office door before hitting play. I do not take any responsibility for anyone who compulsively starts to do the Running Man at work.

 

*Yes, I was listening to it while I was writing, but I had to turn it off because it's hard to type and do the Running Man at the same time.

My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me

Intelligent. Strong. Fun. Nice. Talented. Loving. Sophisticated. Exciting. Feminine. Masculine. Handsome. Pretty. Tall. Petite. Athletic. Curvy. Sexy. Beautiful. Spirited. Friendly. Skinny. Funny. Confident. Compassionate. Sweet. Creative. Ambitious. Hard-working. Amiable. Fit. Survivor. Sensitive. Courageous. Calm. Statuesque. Down to earth. Laid back. Tenacious. Driven.

Enough about me, let's talk about you.

Kidding, I'm kidding!

I know those are only a few of the thousands of adjectives we may use to describe ourselves. Yes, those are generally the more positive ones, but how often do we use the less positive ones? Hopefully, we're aware that they do exist and we are truthful with ourselves about how they pertain to us. There's nothing wrong with seeing yourself with rose-tinted glasses; it's actually a great coping strategy for getting along in such a competitive world. In order to sell ourselves, whether it be to a potential job, partner or friend, we have to believe in what we're selling. (If we're selling ourselves, does that mean we're our own pimps? Hmmm, ponderate on that.) But what happens when how we see ourselves collides with how we are behaving?

Yeah, my brain hurts too.

So are we lying to ourselves? Are we big ole hypocrites? Of course we are, we're human! As I've stated before, there's a certain level of denial that all of us operate under to protect ourselves from dwelling and ruminating on our flaws. However, when we continuously ignore the incongruence between our behavior and how we define ourselves, it's very easy to become emotionally and developmentally stagnant.

That probably makes more sense in my head. Here are some examples:

1. Your friend who always talks about how ready s/he is to get married and have children but is the epitome of commitment phobia.
2. The person who describes themselves as athletic but can barely breathe walking up the stairs.
3. Your co-worker who says they are hard-working but gets to work late, leaves early and passes their responsibilities on to others.
4. The person who says they are punctual but often shows up late.
5. Calling yourself a night-owl when you can barely stay up past 10 pm.

Of course, we are not going to be how we describe ourselves all the time. I would describe myself as intelligent, but do you know how many times I've parked in front of someone's driveway?! (It's by the grace of the parking angels that I haven't been towed...yet.) We all have our moments of contradictory behavior. However, there comes a point when your behavior may be an indication that you truly aren't the way you think you are.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an indicator of growth and/or that we're engaging in healthier behavior. For example, a friend of mine would easily describe themselves as athletically challenged. Yet they've started training for a 5K event and go running several times a week. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Some people choose to ignore or find ways to justify their incongruent behavior. They tell themselves they can't do something or they can't change because of whatever excuse reason. Well, Can't lives on Won't street. (Thanks, A.S.) When we keep living in denial, we're missing the opportunity to either make necessary changes in our lives or to truly embrace who we are and the choices we make.

Although there were numerous reasons for me to leave Sexy Heroin alone a long time ago, none of them were compelling enough to me...until I started feeling like I couldn't respect myself. How I saw myself as a person and being involved with SH at the same time started to conflict. How could I truly be this self-aware, self-confident, and emotionally intelligent woman and deal with him at the same time? It didn't add up. I had 3 options: 1. continue to ignore these thoughts and feelings 2. change how I see myself to accommodate my unhealthy situationship or C. leave him alone so that I could continue believe myself to be all those things. I (finally) chose C.

I'll be damned if I have to start describing myself as a weak-willed, emotionally-flagellating sucker for bulls*it!

I Quit You

                            

Dear Men,

I really love you...a lot. Some of you are so sexy, so smart and smell really good. I like the way you walk, the bass in your voice and your facial hair. You know how to make me laugh when I need to and can be very comforting when I'm having a rough day. Some of you give really good hugs and know how to make a woman feel valued and loved. You guys are awesome and I appreciate you.

Unfortunately, none of the guys I've dated recently fall into the awesomeness category. I've been dating or entangled with the others, you know, the chicken nuggets. These are the ones that give you awesome men a bad name and are ruining the image of all men, awesome ones included. Based on my personal experience, there seems to be a lot of them, whether you meet them organically or through the interwebs. Obviously, there are some good ones out there, but I think my friends married them already. And for some reason, they don't travel in packs.

Sigh.

What's that? You want to laugh at my pain? Okay, fine, I'll share. But please, do not judge me by the choices I've made. I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray. As women, we're constantly being told that our requirements are unrealistic and we all want to find a unicorn in a field of 4-leaf clovers that are tended by leprechauns with pots of gold and whatnot. So I've tried my best to keep an open mind; however, an open mind has led to some very...interesting dating experiences.

1. Sexy Heroin - this guy has been around off and on for an embarrassing amount of time. I'm currently in detox mode, hence the reason I attempted to start dating again. However, after some of the dates I've had, it's no wonder I kept going back! (See what I did there, I said kept, as in the past tense, as I'm not going back no more times in the present or the future...but all prayers and words of encouragement are welcome!)

2. Around the Way Guy - (Not as the male counterpart to LL's "Around the Way Girl," which is still a great song, btw.) Oakland is a fairly small town dressed up to look like a medium-sized city. So of course, you see the same folks repeatedly over the years. AWG and I had been introduced a couple times (and there was the drunken neck biting incident of '09, but I digress and no, I wasn't the biter), had folks in common and sometimes saw each other at the gym. He finally asked me out. Nothing was really that wrong with him; he was great on paper. However, he thought that his stories of excessive drinking and smoking pot during college days were totally enthralling and that it was appropriate to let me know he was checking out my booty.

3. Doppelganger Guy - I'd seen this guy several times at the grocery store and he looked like the twin brother of a guy I once was crazy about. Yes, I have a type, okay? Our paths had crossed enough for us to actually go out on a date. The first date was good; conversation flowed, he made me laugh and I thought he was attractive. The 2nd date was alright. Less to talk about, but still, I had hope. The third date...there wasn't one. "You didn't get my text to call me so we can reschedule?" Uh, no, negro, that's when you pick up the phone and call me. When he started talking about how modern technology can be so unreliable, all hope was gone.

4. Drunken Irish Guy - Although I immediately noticed that he actually was not 5'10, I let it slide because we were at least eye level. Lunch with a few drinks led to him trying to make out with me at the bar. I'm pretty sure I didn't extend an invitation for him to slip me the tongue, but um, okay. We proceed to another bar and as he leans in, tongue extended, I'm forced to put my foot down. "Yeah, I'm really not into the whole making out at the bar scene." "Oh, okay, I hear you." He must have started pouring the 6 subsequent beers in his ears, because he seemed unable to hear me when I kept saying I didn't want to kiss him. After he became the obnoxious, drunken Irish guy, I took it as my cue to exit.

5. 5150 Guy - For those of you who are not fully acquainted with the penal code, 5150 means involuntary psychiatric hold (aka cray-cray). I sensed this guy was toeing the very fine line between different-weird and different-interesting, but was willing to give him a shot because he was attractive and 6'2. Within the first 2 minutes of our date, it was confirmed - he was different-crazy. Besides the fact that he talked at me the entire time, his choice of topics ranged from being connected to the biorhythms of the city and how he didn't have enough currency to travel internationally (or pay for a meal at Chipotle, apparently). When he mentioned that people who are 5150'd aren't the insane ones, that they're actually the most intelligent people and that's why they are feared, my spidey sense told me that he's been 5150'd at least once in his life. I don't need to date the population with whom I work, m'kay?


Henceforth, therewith, me done. As a preventative step from becoming the queen of all bitter b*tches, I've decided to recuse myself from the dating scene. Clearly, the universe is letting me know that right now, there are other things I need to focus on, including my full recovery from Sexy Heroin. Besides, I'm quite exhausperated (exhausted from being exasperated all the time) anyway. 

The Silent Treatment

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That was my rendition of the silent treatment in a blog. Obviously, I could just not write anything, but how would you know that I was giving you the silent treatment? It's only effective if the person knows that you are intentionally not talking to them. But why would I give you the silent treatment? Could it be that you're not reading my blog consistently? Or maybe you're not commenting? How about you haven't reposted it on FB or Twitter enough times? Maybe I'm in a bad mood and deciding to take it out on you. Or it could be that I'm tired of green monkeys wearing blue tutus to the after party at the taco truck. Whatever the reason, I'm not telling you because I'm not talking to you. Did you peep the ellipses?

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Wait, where are you going? I'm not done giving you the silent treatment.

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Okay, I think I'm done now.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the silent treatment will tell you that it is extremely frustrating dealing with someone who stops talking to you...for no apparent reason. Obviously, there is a reason, but because your friend/boo/family member/co-worker is no longer in communication, you are left alone to jump to conclusions. Did you forget a birthday? Did you ignore the thing they asked you not to ignore? Did you say something spectacularly wrong? Clearly, it's the green monkeys in blue tutus because what else can it be?

As a mature adult, the best way to deal with a silent treatment is to let your silent tormentor know that you understand they are feeling some kind of way. When they are ready to have a conversation about the issue, you are ready to listen and you are here for them. You are willing and able to work on the relationship with them. Then y'all can hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhht. And those green monkey are chilling at my house right now.

Forget about the mature adult, let's talk about us, the real adults. I don't know about you, but I don't like being punished like I'm a child. That's exactly what the silent treatment is - punishment. The silent tormentor feels that you've aggrieved them in some kind of way, so to "teach" you not to do that again, they withdraw and withhold.

Not cool.

Again, your response could be really mature and thoughtful. But if I'm being treated like a child, I just might act like one. "Oh, you're giving me the silent treatment. Well, I'm giving it right back to you." When the original tormentor is done being mad, you're now upset and silently treatmenting them back. And guess what? Nothing gets resolved. What ends up happening is that resentment and frustration build up because needs are not getting met and the original issue doesn't get dealt with. It also sets up an unhealthy and childish relationship dynamic in which no one is communicating. You can forget all about singing Kumbaya.

Now some may argue that they disengage because they don't want to say something out of anger. If you feel you cannot appropriately regulate your anger, it's important that you acknowledge that before taking a time out. Telling your tormentee that you are feeling some kind of way right now and will talk to them when you have calmed down is one of the best things you can do. While they may still suffer through trying to figure out what they did to upset you, at least they know there's a reason for your silence. It will also decrease the likelihood they will try to punish you back. However, don't leave them hanging for too long. If you want your relationship to be a happy and healthy one, it's crucial to keep the lines of communication open. After all, how are they going to know about your green monkey fatigue if you don't tell them?

History vs. His Story

"I heard that he went as far as to get her a ring, ask her to marry him and then left her at the altar!"
"She has 3 kids by 3 baby daddies!"
"S/he has a new boo every other week!"
"His nickname is Can't Keep a Job."
"She likes older men with a lot of money."

The list goes on and on about what can be said about someone's life. While all those statements may be true about your sister/neighbor/cousin/boss, there's always the story behind it. There's a reason why they chose their path, a reason that explains their behavior. Often we don't have the whole story, but are more than ready to make snap judgments about the person who's story we're telling.

"I would never talk to him/her again if they treated me that way!"
"S/he should really be careful about making all those babies! I don't want to pay for them!"
"S/he's so trifling. They're too old to play these games."
"Can't Keep A Job, Can't Keep a Mate is what I say!"
"She ain't nothing but a gold digger. She don't mess with no broke..."

Although our judgments may truly hit the nail on the head, many times we forget there's an actual living, breathing person involved in the story. A human. A flawed, imperfect human. To us, it's just another example of how people are stupid and make dumb-ass mistakes. It makes us feel better about ourselves, because we would never, ever, ever deal with that trifling BS. Right?

Ha!

We often conveniently forget that we have our own story as well. If someone were to tell some of your stories, how would you sound? I'm going to guess you probably sound like a hot mess...just like the rest of us. When we do it, it's okay because we have "serious reasons" and "genuine explanations." Do any of these statements sounds familiar?

"I'm trying to find myself."
"This is my truth."
"Not everyone, especially me, wants to take the traditional path."
"I believe in an unconventional life."
"I manage 19 people."
"I like living frugally, it's really teaching me the value of money."
"S/he doesn't know what s/he wants, but I know that s/he really loves me."

I'm going to go out on a limb - I bet those people we're talking about have the same "serious reasons" for their behavior that we have for our own.

Why do we do this?

Psychobabble reason: we must see ourselves in the most positive light as to not cause ourselves psychic stress in an already highly stressful world. It allows us to continue to build relationships and have life experiences because we can trust ourselves to make the most sense out of situations that may not always make the most sense.*

Real reason: we are full of sh*t and like to live in denial.

When we make excuses for ourselves, we are not dealing with the root cause of our issues or confronting the behavior. Ironically, we're surprised when it keeps on happening. Or really, when we keep on doing it. Many people like to live in denial because then they don't have to do anything about the issue. We believe that once we identify the problem, we have to do something about it. That's not necessarily true. If you want things to change, then yes, you have to change them. But if you're not quite ready yet, then don't. Sometimes, just taking the first step of identifying the issue is enough...for right now. And if you're okay with how it's working, no one is going to make you change. Until you get good and uncomfortable with your circumstances, you won't be invested enough to make changes. Just don't be surprised - when you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

So next time you hear about someone else's story, be gentle in your judgment of them. They're just leading an unconventional, non-traditional life, while finding themselves living frugally, which is their truth.



*if you don't understand the psychobabblitic reason, don't worry, I totally made it up; I don't understand it either. :)

All By Myself

A while ago, I moved into a small apartment after living in my family home for several years. While everything else in my life has been a bit of a mess and sometimes unhappy making, the one thing that has given me solace is my apartment. Although I haven't named it, it feels like my apartment is my friend and when I haven't been spending much time at home, I actually miss it. Decorated the way I like, it gets great light, I have a little outside patio and I can pick lemons right off the tree by taking about 7 steps from my front door. It's pretty awesome. But the best part? I live alone.

This isn't the first time I've lived alone, but it had been quite some time since I had. Although living at home definitely had its benefits (thanks dad, for all the Sunday breakfasts), it stopped feeling like my home at a certain point. I couldn't really explain it other than I just needed my own space, a place that reflected who I am and the things I liked. Plus, I felt like I was getting too old to live there, no matter how great it was (Papa Suddy is an amazing roommate). However, there are also about 8,347 benefits to living alone. Here are 9 of them:

1. Nudity - although I  personally am not shy about being naked, lots of people are. When you live by yourself, you can walk around your place naked - whether it be to grab something from the living room before hopping in the shower or because you just don't want to be bothered with a robe while you make yourself some tea (be careful with that hot water though).

2. Sex - while you're getting your groove on (with someone or yourself), you can be as loud and adventurous as you want and not worry about how much information your roommate is getting about how much you like...uh, the things you like.

3. Food - who took the last of the orange juice without replacing it? Who ate your chunky monkey ice cream? That would be you. Not only is all the food the fridge yours, you can have some of your more weird unique foods around without being judged.

4. Company - you can invite anyone you want over, anytime you like. You don't have to worry about interrupting anyone's sleep schedule or if your guest gets along with your roommate.

5. Television - no arguing over who gets to hold the remote or why you have to watch the Storage Wars marathon. (Seriously, can you believe what gets put on TV these days?)

6. Cleanliness - if you don't feel like doing the dishes right away, don't. If it's been 6 months since you've cleaned your bathroom (which is pretty gross), at least you know the ring in the tub is all your own filth. Or if you need like to dust and vaccum everyday, have at it. It's your place, your standard of cleanliness.

7. Money - you don't have to worry if the electricity is going to get cut off because you're the (hopefully) responsible adult who makes sure the bill is paid. If you think cable is frivolous, you don't have to have it and pay half of the $2,390 cable bill. You are not dependent on anyone to take care of what happens at home.

8. Style - there may be some people who think your framed poster of Bob Marley smoking a joint is a little tacky, but who cares, because you like it! You can have wicker furniture in your living room, pictures of your cat all over the place and a proud display of your beanie baby collection because that's how you want your place to look. People may not want to come over because the eyes on your beanie babies follow them wherever they go, but that's why they don't live with you.

9. Bathroom concerns - everybody farts and poops, we all know that. However, if you're a shy farter, you may not feel comfortable pooting in front of others. When you live alone, no one is around to experience it! Same for going boo boo. While yours may be equally as devastating as someone else's, it's yours! Nothing worse than walking in behind a boo boo that's not yours.

With all that being said, there are a few downsides to living alone.It can be lonely, always coming home to a quiet house. You are responsible for everything - food, bills, making sure you have toilet paper, taking out the garbage, etc.; there's no one else to pick up the slack. Your secret single behaviors may develop into some serious quirks because there's no one around to let you know you're becoming strange. If you pick wisely or are lucky, living with someone else can be a lot of fun too. But...living alone is pretty awesome. I think if it's possible, everyone should live alone at least one time in their life. It can be empowering, knowing that you can take care of business by yourself and most importantly, you can thoroughly enjoy your own company.

Besides, what's better than making tea in the nude? Oh right, blogging in the nude. :)