Can You Handle It?

It's a Saturday morning. I'm sitting in my Wonder Woman underwear and t-shirt with a bowl of cereal, watching the Smurfs. A commercial comes on. My 6-year old self instantly recognizes what they're hawking. Dolls. Dolls that grow in a cabbage patch. Plastic heads, yarn hair, squishy body, Xavier Robert's name tattooed on their little booties. I needed one immediately. Since my birthday had already passed, it was time to pray to Santa. Fast-forward to Christmas and guess what I got? A Cabbage Patch doll...knock-off. No tattoo meant it wasn't legit and my baby's bottom was bare as a baby's bottom. What was this feeling again?

Oh yeah. Disappointment.

Although I'd had plenty of experience with this emotion before (no dessert, strictly enforced bedtime, becoming a big sister), it felt brand new. I considered having a tantrum, but quickly deduced it would not get me a real Cabbage Patch doll nor would it enhance the rest of Christmas day. Outside of that, there didn't seem to be any other options in dealing with my disappointment, so I did what any smart kid would do - I played with it until I got distracted by my other new toys.

I wished it stayed that simple.

Whether it be with work, friends, money, baby boos, getting a parking ticket, it often seems like disappointment is lurking around every corner. Some disappointments you get over quickly and move on. My fake Cabbage Patch doll looked real and who was going to look at its butt besides me? If we always got every little thing we wanted, most things wouldn't have much value and would be difficult to appreciate. (Hello, Kim Kardashian wedding.) Unfortunately, as we get older, what our heart desires becomes more complex and multi-faceted.

Disappointment is a part of life and how we handle it can greatly influence how we live. Remember your first heartbreak? Or when you were served with divorce papers? How about when you didn't get that bonus you were promised at work? (That taste in your mouth right now might be bitterness.) While it is easy to fixate on life's disappointments, it can also lead to a life of bitterness and victimhood. These people tend to constantly point their fingers at everyone/something else, seldom taking responsibility for their choices and actions. Life is something that happens to them and to be honest, they are not fun people to be around.

I'm not saying disappointment is an easy emotion to deal with. Often, our disappointments come as a result of expectation. Some believe that having expectations of anything is a set up for disappointment; in some ways, it is. However, if you don't have expectations of anyone, yourself included, what are you striving for? How do you grow? How do you have healthy relationships? There is something to be said about realistic expectations, but to have none is also a set up...just a set up for failure instead.  

I believe the hardest disappointments to deal with are the ones you have no control over. Regardless of all the steps you'd taken - the hail Mary's, putting the secret on it, throwing pennies in a fountain, or just plain trying your hardest, you really have no say in the outcome. Unfortunately, that is often the case; there are many things in life we have no control over, but we believe we do. That is the most disappointing realization of them all because there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent your disappointment. But...you can control your response.

When we learn to deal with life's challenges and disappointments in a healthy manner, it can make us a stronger person. It doesn't mean to suppress your feelings; if you need to wallow for a minute, wallow. Nothing wrong with having a little pity party. However, let it reinforce your resolve to keep it pushing, to stay determined and to achieve your goals; your disappointments can either destroy you or inspire you. Whichever path you choose, don't be disappointed by where you end up - it's totally up to you.

And baby dolls shouldn't have tattoos on their butts anyway!

Valid, Yes; Necessary, Not So Much

All of our emotions are valid. They may feel irrational and illogical at times, but they are valid nonetheless because we are experiencing them. While there is no such thing as “bad” emotions, there are emotions that we experience that tend to be more harmful and can sometimes lead to self-destructive behavior, increased levels of stress and anxiety and have a negative impact on our physical well-being. Here are 6 valid yet totally unnecessary emotions:

1. Anger – A lot of things cause us to feel angry; the high price of gas, being cheated on, Donald Trump talking mess about Obama, the Kardashians making $65 million last year. However, anger is most often a masking emotion. It covers the emotion we're actually feeling because anger feels a lot more powerful than fear, hurt, disappointment or the myriad of other emotions that make us feel vulnerable. While there are many situations in which we are entitled to feel anger, if we are constantly exploding or suppressing our angry feelings, it can lead to physical and emotional issues, including heart disease and depression. It is crucial to learn how to deal with anger in an emotionally healthy way, such as taking deep breaths before responding or taking a step back and looking at the situation more objectively. 

2. Guilt – Many times, we use guilt as a way of shaming ourselves or others for engaging in behavior that causes pain and hurt. We hope that doing this will cause the behavior to end, but more often than not, it doesn't. How many times have we felt guilty about calling in sick to work when we're really not? Or eating that pint of ice cream for dinner? Or not following through on plans with friends? I'm going to guess that it's happened more than once...and will probably happen again, regardless of how guilty we may feel about it. Unless we can accept responsibility and make changes in our behavior, guilt will get us nowhere.

3. Hatred – The word hate is often used in a lighter context. “I hate exercising.” “I hate waking up early.” “I hate this big zit on forehead.” But for some people, hate is a belief system. They hate gays, Jews, minorities, Christians, Muslims, liberals, republicans, etc.; basically anyone/anything they perceive to be different from them. Hatred leads to extreme and destructive behavior that may lead to a cycle of vengeance and retaliation. It is also believed that carrying around hatred has the same physical impact of carrying around anger.

4. Worry – We all worry; its purpose is to help us focus our attention on solving problems as they arise so we can eliminate the worry. Did I pay my cable bill this month? Will I make my numbers at work? When I mentioned booty-do to my new guy/gal, did I sound stupid? Although worry can be a great motivator, it can also be a great debilitator. Some of us spend a lot of time worrying about everything, including many things that are generally out of our control. Will I receive social security 35 years from now? What's going on with the ozone and the ice caps? Am I going to die of breast cancer? Is my cousin going to stop dating that jerk? Will my dad be laid off? Excessive worry can be an indicator of generalized anxiety disorder, especially when we can't control it despite knowing that it's irrational. It can also lead to panic attacks if it becomes too overwhelming. One tip given on webmd.com: Change what you can and accept the rest.

5. Regret – Anyone who has survived adolescence and made it through their twenties (and maybe their thirties too) relatively unscathed definitely has a few regrets. I definitely can think of a few choices in my life that make me shake my head in disbelief (slick nasty if you ask me). If I hadn't made some of those mistakes and suffered the consequences, I would not be the person I am now. Nor would I have had the necessary experiences to learn how to make better decisions for myself. As I've gotten older, I've decided to regret nothing; all life experiences have value in some way. However, there are some people who fixate on their regrets and it can be paralyzing; they become so fearful of making a mistake, they don't do anything and allow life to pass them by. Living in constant regret can have some harmful physical affects as well.

6. Jealousy - Jealousy is the result of a perceived threat to something we believe belongs to us, whether it be a person, a thing or even a concept, such as success. Often it is rooted in feelings of insecurity or anger. When we experience jealousy, it's important to examine the cause of our feelings. Why am I feeling this way? How am I dealing with these feelings? Once we figure out the cause, how we choose to deal with the feelings can be either positive or negative. For example, if you're feeling jealous because your partner is spending a lot of time with their friends, a positive way to handle it would be to communicate those feelings to them. Following them to their hangout spot and surprising them is not.

Being human means that we all experience some or all of these emotions at any given time. Again, these are all common reactions to the various situations we deal with on a regular basis. What we decide to do with these emotions is the difference between handling our emotions in a healthy and intelligent manner versus letting them fester and cause us emotional distress.

You Can't Handle the Truth...Right?

Many years ago, a friend and I were discussing something. Probably boyfriends, girlfriends, family; whatever it was, it pertained to relationships. I can't remember the details of our conversation, but the most important thing she said has stuck with me over all this time. I'm about to rock your world. Ready?

“We can't take responsibility for other people's feelings.”

If you feel like time has frozen and everything around you has stopped moving, I'll give you a moment...I completely understand.

…...

…...

…...

You okay now?

I know, it's pretty mind-blowing. What's even mind-blowing-er is that I still can't seem to fully grasp this concept and apply it to my own life and relationships. It's one of those things that me and Beverly are working on – we actually agree this is something I should be doing with a lot more regularity (along with her long laundry list of other things, but I digress).

At first, when my friend was talking about this concept, I didn't really know what she was talking about. After several examples of how we as humans do this (especially women), I finally began to understand what she was saying. It was a revelatory experience; I didn't realize I'd been doing this in most of my adult relationships, both romantic and platonic. In taking responsibility, we're assuming the other person cannot handle any negative emotions and it's our job to protect them. However, in “protecting” them, we tend to cause more harm than good. It's very easy to move from protection to resentment; when we're protecting someone else's feelings, we're often putting our own feelings aside. How rude are we to assume that who we're dealing with cannot handle their own emotions?

Here's the twist; in taking responsibility for someone else's feelings, we get to avoid dealing with our own feelings! We're some real tricksters, aren't we? When we're telling ourselves “I don't want to break their heart, it will devastate them,” what we're really saying is “I don't want to feel bad about myself for hurting their feelings.” We're also avoiding dealing with any potentially negative fall-out from our relationships. We over-empathize with the other person and become fearful of how we will be interpreted. Here are some examples of what I mean:

Situation: You don't want your mom to invite her canasta group to your wedding.

Potential Interpretation: You don't care about her friends and how it will affect her social standing. You don't want to include her in the planning. What she wants is not important to you. You hate her.

Fear: Upsetting/offending your mom, making her angry, looking like a spoiled brat, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Situation: Your financially irresponsible friend wants to borrow some money.

Potential Interpretation: You're not a good friend. You don't care about their well-being. You're stingy. You hate them.

Fear: You'll lose their friendship, you'll never see your money again, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Situation: You want your mother-in-law to stay at a hotel.

Potential Interpretation: You don't like having her around. She's nosy. She's bossy. You hate her.

Fear: She'll know for sure that you don't like having her around because she's bossy and nosy and you hate her. Just kidding! She'll be upset, you'll offend her, it will upset your relationship, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Situation: You want to end a relationship.

Potential Interpretation: You're uncaring, you're mean, you hate them.

Fear: You'll feel bad about hurting someone else, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Did you notice a theme in all those situations? Setting boundaries and owning feelings...boy, does it pop up a lot. It's like some kind of mature, adult thing to do that most of us try to avoid doing! It seems less painful to avoid dealing with those situations because they evoke uncomfortable feelings all around. But then that resentment creeps in and infects the relationship because you're doing something you don't want to do; the other person is "making" you. Ironically, once the elephant in the room is addressed, almost everyone feels better...or can at least move through their emotions more fluidly.

Imagine how it could be if we were honest with each other about our feelings? Or more importantly, with ourselves? Wouldn't it be a relief to know that people are actually saying what they mean? Although I continue to struggle with this concept myself, I have seen the value in being honest about my emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, at least in my platonic relationships. If there's an issue, we talk about it, it's over and we move on, friendship still intact, if not stronger. We forget that being honest doesn't mean being tactless. Being honest and preserving the relationship takes some creative genius and sensitivity. But it is possible. Try it and see. Just don't forget the tact!

 

Do you take responsibility for others' feelings? How has that impacted your relationship? Do you believe honesty is the best policy at all times? Have you experienced someone trying to "protect" you?