Girls - Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

At least that's the rumor. A rumor that started with some girl whispering it into another girl's ear and before you knew it, the whole town believed that girls were made of sugar and spice. There's a rumor about boys too, involving puppy dog tails, snails and snips; I bet it was started by the same girl. Suffice it to say, it's only a rumor - many girls (women) ain't nuthin' nice.

There's a lot of hateration in this dancery.

The haters - women. Those being hated on - women. Why is there so much hatred in the sisterhood? I wish I had an answer. I do however, have a couple of theories based on nothing but conjecture and observation. You may agree or disagree or kind of sort of agree, but disagree a little bit or disagree alotta bit but agree a tiny bit. That's fine, just don't hate on me, 'kay?

Theory One
With many of my former female clients, their relationship with their mom was horrible. Throughout their lives, they were betrayed by the person they were supposed to trust the most. They didn't trust their mothers, their aunties, female cousins or any other woman. Many claimed they didn't like females and preferred the company of guys (which has its own set of issues); some who had daughters were very open about their disappointment about not having a son. Were there other environmental issues that contributed to their mistrust? Yes, of course. However, their overall belief that females were dishonest and sneaky not only affected their sense of self-worth (sounds like a lot of self-hateration) but prohibited them from being able to develop a solid support network of female friendships.

Theory Two
Some women are jealous, insecure and competitive. If you are smarter, prettier, taller, skinnier, have a better job, bigger boobs, an amazing partner, whatever, they feel threatened. The only way they can feel good about themselves is to put you down. Have you ever experienced an insult disguised as a compliment (aka a backhanded compliment)? Yeah, these kind of women are good at that.

A few examples:
"That dress looks good on you. It doesn't make your butt look nearly as big as it is."
"Where'd you get your hair done? It looks nice for a change."
"You got a promotion? Congratulations! I didn't know you were so smart."
"Who's that good-looking person over there? You're together?

Shady.

Theory Three
Throughout their childhood, some girls were picked on (often related to theory two) and scapegoated by other girls. Maybe they were quiet, or the new girl, or the girl that all the boys liked. For whatever reason, this girl was ostracized and treated cruelly. As a result, in adulthood, they develop a f*&k-it attitude toward other women and mistrust them. Have you ever run into a woman who instantly had an attitude toward you, regardless of how nice you were? That may be her.

Theory Four
The proliferation of reality television has not only exposed deviant girl-on-girl misconduct, but has  encouraged it by rewarding the aggressor with greater celebrity. Can we say every Housewives series? The more spiteful and ugly the behavior, the more popular the person and the show becomes. As a society, we've become voyeuristic as well as apathetic; how often do we talk about how crazy so-and-such is because they slapped their "friend" or called her a b*tch? With all this overexposure to mean girl behavior, it's no wonder we're having a hard time getting along.

It makes me sad to hear women talk about their negative experiences with other women. I am very fortunate to have some of the most dynamic, beautiful, intelligent, caring and loving women in my life; without having these friendships, my life would be a boring, hot mess. They support and love me unconditionally; most importantly, they keep me sane and make my life more interesting. Although you may not need a large group of friends, as a woman, it is imperative to have at least one or two close female friendships. We feel better and do better when we have a sense of community and connection. It's actually good for your health to have girlfriends. That's why I have so many...I'm planning on living for a very long time!



What are your friendships with women like? Are you doing something or putting something out there that makes it difficult for other women to connect with you?  Were you betrayed at young age by other females? What do you like about women? What do you dislike about women? For men, what have you observed about female friendships?

Please Let Me Please You, Please

 

Recently, I ran into an acquaintance when she was with her child. I was playing with her kid and she began to explain different things about some of the choices she's made about raising them. Several things came to mind: 1. Unless you are clearly beating or neglecting your child, I don't really have any vested interest in how you choose to raise them. 2. Why are you explaining to me, someone who doesn't know you at all, about your child-rearing practices? 3. It must be tiring to feel compelled to please people, including people who are basically strangers. I felt sad for her; I couldn't imagine expending so much energy into trying to please others, especially people I don't particularly care about nor interact with on any regularity.

People-pleasing manifests in different ways. Generally, a people-pleaser has a difficult time establishing healthy boundaries. They feel guilty saying no, they take responsibility for others' feelings and behaviors as well as for things that are out of their control. They also put their own needs last and sacrifice for others, believing that they will get the approval they seek. This is what a people-pleaser looks like:

People don't start out as being a people-pleaser; this is a learned behavior that develops during childhood and is sometimes precipitated by a traumatic relationship with a primary family member. Underlying the behavior is a fear of being abandonned and low self-esteem. If they just make everyone like them, no one will leave them. But it's hard work making everyone like you; it's quite impossible! That kind of thinking often leads to feelings of frustration and resentment.

It's hard to understand why someone would continuously engage in this exhaustive behavior. There's a payoff – external validation. Although it may be fleeting, they feel valued for giving/doing for others. They are rewarded with affirmations and praise. Unfortunately, this behavior becomes a cycle because it's one of the few ways they can feel good about themselves.

Does this mean if you do nice things for others, you're a people-pleaser? No. Even if you aren't a people-pleaser, it feels good to do something nice for someone else. However, it depends on your motivation. If you're coming from a healthy place, you're doing it because you want to. For someone who is a people-pleaser, it is coming from a place of guilt and fear; if you don't do it, you will be abandonned or rejected.

Here are some examples of people-pleasing behavior:

• In romantic relationships: if your partner does something that bothers you, you keep it to yourself. It's not the right time to bring it up because they are stressed/tired/going through a hard time/short/tall/big/small.

• In friendships: when your friends need a favor, they come to you and you don't say no, even though you can't afford it/don't have the time/it's incredibly difficult.

• At work: your boss asks you to do a project that's beyond your capabilities and you don't say no; you spend all your time working on this project, falling behind on other work. Now you're exhausted/stressed/frustrated/angry.

It's difficult to stop engaging in people-pleasing behavior. After all, this is conditioning that started in childhood. However, with insight and a desire to change, it is possible. Psychology Today has several tips for working towards change:

• Stall for time. If someone puts you on the spot, politely defer: "I'll check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow." Then you can assess whether the request fits in with your schedule and goals.
• Examine your motivations. People-pleasing seems like the epitome of niceness, but pleasers may assume their submissive postures because of what they expect in return. If you grant someone a favor, do it because it fulfills you—not to get something back.
• Role-play to practice asserting your needs. Get a friend to play a pushy boss, parent or acquaintance—whoever triggers your people-pleasing. Then practice saying no to unreasonable requests until it starts to feel natural.
  

For some people-pleasers, it may be helpful to seek professional assistance in working on this issue. It can be useful to trace the origins of this behavior to understand how it has impacted your life and relationships. But don't make these changes to please me...do it for you!



Do you know someone who is a people-pleaser? What does their behavior look like? How do you feel about people-pleasers?

 

I Do Therapy...Retail Therapy!

As soon as you walk in, your eyes connect. You walk over, in a daze, shell-shocked. You can't believe what you're experiencing. Your heart is racing and it feels like you can't breathe. You walk over and touch; the spark is instantaneous. How have you lived this long without each other? You make your approach and ask that fateful question.

“Do you have these in my size?”

You have been waiting for a long time and they are finally, finally on sale. “Ohmigod,” you say to yourself, “please, please, please, have them in my size.” They do! You already know what you're going to wear them with, where you're going to wear them and how well they'll get along with the other shoes in your closet. You leave the store with your new purchase and excitedly call your friend to talk about your shopping success. You're feeling good and when you get home, you try them on with everything. Who cares that you maxed out your credit card again? You deserved these shoes (dress, play station, rare coin collection, whatever) because your week has been...sigh...hard.

Retail therapy is a relatively new term that has been coined to describe how people shop or spend money to make themselves feel better. If we are feeling stressed, we go shopping. If we feel sad, we buy something. If we feel good, we head to our favorite store to get something new. While it's commonly believed that it's only women who engage in this behavior, men do it too. It just may look a little different; what was that last video game/gadget you bought? (Although I know plenty of men who like shoes just as much as I do and women who love their gadgets.)

I believe it's okay to reward ourselves every now and again, especially when we've accomplished a goal. One of the perks to being an adult is doing what you want with your stuff – including your money. Yet, many of us have a problem with being a little too indulgent. There have been times when it felt like I had “extra” money (hahahahaha!) and gave myself permission to buy something new. We often justify purchases because we convince ourselves we need something; however, some of us have a difficult time discerning the difference between a want and a need. For example:

Need: clothes

Want: that new Calvin Klein dress

Rationalization: there are too many pictures on Facebook wearing the same outfit

Need: a computer (potentially arguable, but most of us need a computer for our jobs)

Want: an Ipad

Rationalization: laptops are soooo much heavier and it's going to start hurting my back to carry it around

Need: shelter

Want: an apartment in that swanky building downtown

Rationalization: it has a gym...I'd definitely start working out if I had a gym in my apartment building

Trust me, I am the queen of rationalizing a want into a need. That's why I have so many pairs of shoes in my closet – I really needed those black platform heels because I didn't have any other shoes that made me 6 feet tall.

One thing to be aware of is when the occasional trip to the mall for some retail therapy turns into compulsive shopping/spending. Compulsive shopping is considered a mental health disorder; it can be just as problematic as having an addiction to drugs and alcohol. Here are some signs that you may have a problem:

1. You have purchased items that you've never or seldom worn/used.

2. You feel a mix of euphoria and anxiety when you purchase something new.

3. You hide your purchases from a loved one because it will create conflicts.

4. You buy things on your credit card that you wouldn't pay cash for.

5. When you are having an emotionally difficult time, you head straight to the stores to feel better.

6. You don't have enough space for all your stuff and it's beginning to take over the rest of your house.

This list is by no means exhaustive; click on the link above to take the "Are you a Shopaholic?" test. Don't forget - shopping online also counts!

Money seems to be a dirty word; most of us feel more comfortable talking about our sex lives than our finances. How many of us know how much our friends make? How many of us talk about our own money? Or ask for help when we're struggling? I have definitely been guilty of keeping it a secret. However, in keeping quiet, we're not sharing ideas on how to create spending plans, pay down debt or invest. More importantly, we carry around our anxiety and fears about our own financial health that can be allayed by talking about it with close friends and/or a trusted professional (i.e. a psychotherapist or financial planner).

As we become more professionally accomplished and better financially compensated (hallelujah!), it's crucial that we invest in ourselves by taking care of business now. Even if we are not yet making the amount of money we truly deserve, it is time to start looking at our relationship with money. Is it healthy? Balanced? How is it impacting our stress level and emotional well-being? It's also important to change our mindset. Instead of thinking about how sexy that new dress will be, think about your sexy retirement fund. Or that hot zero balance on your credit card. It's not easy, but damn, it feels better being able to sleep at night, knowing that all your hard-earned money is going where it should – toward taking care of you. Besides...you can only wear one pair of shoes at a time.

When it comes to money, do you avoid dealing with it? Have you been guilty of spending your money before paying your bills? Have you ever robbed Peter to pay Paul? How have your spending habits prohibited you from doing what you want? Are you afraid of being broke? What kinds of messages did you get about money growing up? What are some positive money habits you have learned?

Psychotherapy - Therapy for Psychos?

Psychotherapy: The treatment of a behavior disorder, mental illness, or any other condition by psychological means. Psychotherapy may utilize insight, persuasion, suggestion, reassurance, and instruction so that patients may see themselves and their problems more realistically and have the desire to cope effectively with them. (Copied from MedicineNet.com)

When I was traveling last summer, I struck up a brief conversation with a woman while waiting for food. It went a little something like this:

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a psychotherapist.

Her: I never understood the point of psychotherapy. Someone just sit there and listens to you talk? (Getting agitated). Then you pay them a bunch of money and they don't really help you do anything. I don't think there's any point.

Me: Hmmm. Everyone has a different experience. (Pause). So...have you eaten at this place before?

Clearly, I didn't handle that as well as I wished. She basically insulted my profession! I wish I had asked her if she's actually experienced therapy and if so, what was her experience like? But then I would have been doing therapy and I was on vacation. No thanks!

Thankfully, therapy has become a lot more acceptable and common, especially in the States. However, there are still a lot of misconceptions about how therapy works. This is due mostly to images we see in movies or television, where the “shrink” is sitting in their chair and the client/patient is laying on the couch, talking about the dream they had where they were kissing the toes of a baby elephant. While dream analysis is an aspect of a few kinds of therapy, there are many different theoretical approaches in doing therapy, which informs the kind of treatment we get. (To learn about some of the different treatment modalities, please click on the link.)

What's the point of going to therapy? 

Therapy has a number of benefits. It can help improve interpersonal relationships, increase feeling of self-esteem and self-worth, decrease symptoms of various mental health diagnoses, and may resolve the concerning issues. However, it does take a lot of work on the part of the client. A therapist helps us look at things from a different perspective. While our friends and family can also be there to help us with our issues, a therapist has a unbiased view of our situation; they have no personal stake in us making changes in our life.

So what usually happens in therapy?

Everyone has a different experience, because every therapist is different; the relationship we form with her/him will greatly influence the kind of work we do. It also depends on what brought us into therapy in the first place. If we are having a problem managing our stress, the therapist may work with us to uncover the root of the stress, teach us some healthier stress management techniques and send us on our merry way after a few sessions. If we are working on something deeper, like resolving negative self-esteem issues, it will most likely take much longer to work on those issues. But generally speaking, it doesn't involve us laying on a couch. It does involve a lot of talking; we do most of the talking but there are times when the therapist does the talking.

Though there are different kinds of therapy, here are some things to know about therapy before seeking treatment:

1. Therapy is not going to be a lot of fun. We are there to make changes and change is difficult.
2. The therapist is not going to “fix” our problems. They are there to help us figure out and fix our problems.
3. Therapy is (usually) voluntary; it requires participation and complete honesty to be affective.
4. It may take a few sessions before we get into a rhythm with our therapist. Essentially, we are going to a stranger to tell them about our issues and vulnerabilities.
5. We are not friends with our therapist. No happy hour after a session!
6. Although the therapist may use some of their personal experiences to convey understanding, the session is about us, not them. If we know all about our therapist's relationship with their mother, there's a problem.
7. Although therapists are trained to control how they react to the information we give them, some of the things we tell them may cause a reaction. Therapists are human too! That's okay, as long as we don't start taking care of the therapist's feelings.
8. The first therapist we go to may not be a good fit. We don't have to stay with this one, we can try someone else. Don't give up!
9. The time that we are with the therapist is all about us – they don't answer their phones and neither do we.
10. The therapist should never, ever have a sexual relationship with their clients. Never, ever!

I've heard many people say, “I believe that therapy can help people, but I don't think it's for me.” My response: how do you know unless you try it? I also wonder what it means to them to be in therapy. Although it has become more common, there is still a stigma attached to receiving mental health services. There seems to be an underlying belief that seeing a therapist means we are either “crazy” or weak because we can't solve our problems on our own. I believe it actually takes a lot of strength to acknowledge that we need help and to go get it.

Do you think there is still a stigma attached to therapy? When you hear about therapy, what do think it's going to be like? Do you have people in your life who speak negatively about seeking help? What would be some indicators that a therapist would not be a good fit for you? Would you prefer to have someone of the same race/gender/sexual orientation? Why or why not?

To find a therapist in your city, go to www.psychologytoday.com and click on the Find a Therapist tab.

Oh Snap! I Think My Pants Shrunk!

 

That's the only reason why they would stop fitting, right? I must have accidentally washed them in hot water and dried them on the extra-shrink setting. It couldn't possibly be that I'm gaining weight...no way! I just can't believe French toast stuffed with nutella and strawberries isn't good for you. Strawberries are part of the fruit and vegetable requirement for the day. Chocolate has antioxidants or something in it. And bread is part of the whole grain group. Obviously, that was one of the wisest breakfast choices one could make. See...pants must have shunken in the wash. Yay! Now I get to buy some new ones!

How many of us make rationalizations when it comes to our diet and exercise regimen? Do any of these sound familiar?

1. I'm too tired/stressed/busy to work out.
2. I just got my hair done, I don't want to sweat it out.
3. I'm allergic to cooking (that's one of my favorites!).
4. I'll do it tomorrow.
5. My pinky finger hurts too much to go running.
6. I can't find any childcare (for my 15 year old).

I'll bet there are a plethora of excuses we've made to get out of exercising and eating healthfully. I'm the first to admit my love affair with desserts of all kinds – pie, cake, cookies, pudding, ice cream, whatever. Unfortunately, the relationship is not mutual and it causes things like waistline strangulation due to too-tight (I mean shrunken) pants.

As Americans, I think we have it particularly bad. We are a society that believes strongly in being quick, efficient, and instantly gratified. This has had a significant and mostly negative impact on our dietary and exercise habits. How many of us roll through a fast-food joint when we're pressed for time and hungry? How many of us drive to places we could actually walk to? How often do we give up on going to the gym because we know our machine won't be immediately available and we might have to wait?

Now I know some us feel that some of the above reasons (excuses) are really legitimate, particularly #1. However, exercising actually helps alleviate stress and fatigue. Studies have shown that exercise improves your mood, helps you manage your weight, boosts your energy and helps you sleep better. It can actually be fun too. Coupled with a healthy diet, we might start feeling good – and less stressed. When we take care of ourselves, it starts to spill over to other parts of our lives. You start feeling good about being healthy, you start to look better and your confidence increases. Many times, I've recommended that clients look at their diet and start incorporating some form of exercise to help alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety. It's a lot more difficult to fixate on your anxiety about work/money/relationships/whatever when you are concentrating on not falling off the stairmaster.

Here are 7 signs that it might be time to revamp your diet and start sweating to the oldies:

1. You have a case of booty-do (that's when your gut sticks out more than your booty do).
2. You get winded walking from the couch to the fridge.
3. You get asked when you are due...and you're not pregnant...because you're a dude.
4. You can't bend over to tie your shoes.
5. You notice that all your pants have an elastic waistband.
6. You eat vegetables of the fried variety.
7. Water is for bathing, not drinking.

In all seriousness, if you've noticed that you've gained a noticeable amount of weight in a short amount of time, you may want to go to the doctor to get checked out to make sure there's nothing wrong.

Some of us have been fortunate to be naturally thin and can eat what we want without worrying too much about it. Eventually, those kind of habits have a way of catching up to us as we get older and our metabolism slows down, especially for women. Thin also does not equal fit or healthy. I once had a roommate (CB) who was quite thin, but had zero muscle tone and had the worst eating habits. Entenmann's coffee cake is not a meal! For those of us who are not naturally thin, it means we have to work(out) a little bit harder to maintain a healthy weight. This also applies to men – as you get older, playing basketball once a week is not going to be enough to sustain a healthy weight. Although beauty is the eye of the beholder, a beer gut is really not sexy, no matter what you've heard.

If you've decided this year is the year – no, really, you really mean it this year, for reals – to get in shape and lose that freshman 15 from 10 years ago, I wish you the best of luck. Share it with your support network so someone else will hold you accountable. Mix it up, so you don't get bored and it helps to keep track of what you eat. Most importantly, feel good about what you're doing; it's very difficult to make changes, even when they are in our best interests.

I am healthy...like an 84-year old with emphysema!

Now that the first month of 2011 is over, I have a question: how are those resolutions holding up? Yeah, me neither. Thank goodness I didn't make any! In all sincerity, there is something that I have been working on – my health. As I get older, it's becoming more apparent that taking good care of myself is a habit that I need to continuously develop and incorporate into my life. It isn't easy; I love dessert and I would rather go shopping than save my money for a rainy day (thank goodness I'm going to win the lottery). Wait – what does money have to do with health?

Being healthy isn't just about how our bodies are doing. It's composed of several other facets that all contribute to our sense of well-being. When one aspect is suffering, the others are sure to follow if we ignore them. How often do you do a comprehensive health check? Here are the 6 things to pay attention to and get checked out by a professional (if necessary):

1. Physical health – this category also includes our sexual health and dental health. When was the last time you went to the doctor for preventive services? How is your blood pressure, weight, blood sugar levels, cholesterol, etc? How often do you exercise, eat your vegetables, drink water? For the ladies, when was your last pap smear? Fellas, how about getting checked for testicular cancer? Has your dentist seen you in the last 6 months? As much as I dislike going to the doctor and dentist, I always feel better when I can cross them off my list. Plus, I'd rather deal with getting my teeth cleaned every 4-6 months than put it off for years and have to get a root canal.
   
   
2. Mental/emotional health – a few weeks ago, I talked about some of the more common mental health diagnoses. Sometimes there's no diagnosis; we just need some extra support as we go through life's transitions. Are you getting married, changing careers, becoming a parent, ending a relationship? Have you been more stressed out lately? Crying for no apparent reason? Or maybe just feeling a little bit off? Whatever may be concerning you, it can only be beneficial to get it checked out. It's okay, getting support doesn't mean you're crazy.
   
   
3. Financial health – who doesn't need more money? We are a society of consumption and immediate gratification. It feels great to have purchasing power, but at the end of the day, that big screen television will break down and that new phone is going to become obsolete in about 15 minutes. Do you have money for emergencies? Have you started a retirement fund? Actually, let's talk about the basics - do you balance your checkbook? Can you balance your checkbook? Not having enough money is very stressful and can negatively impact both your physical and mental health. It may be worthwhile to consult a financial planner to get you on the right track. You're never too young to start a retirement fund.
   
   
4. Relationship health – as we get older, other responsibilities can make it more difficult to maintain those close, supportive friendships. With the advent of social networking sites, it can seem like we're keeping up with friends and family. However, Facebook will never replace having coffee and catching up with an old friend in person. It's very easy to get wrapped up in work and become isolated. Even just a phone call can make us feel reconnected to friends and family.
   
   
5. Spiritual health – this doesn't necessarily mean going to church. We can get in touch with our spiritual side – whether it means believing in God, Buddha, Allah, tarot card readings or worshiping the sun in the sky and the ground beneath our feet. Studies have proven that there is a positive correlation between physical health, mental health and spirituality. There's no right or wrong way to be spiritually healthy; it's up to each of us to define that for ourselves. 
   
   
6. Career health – I know it sounds kind of funny, but considering we spend the majority of our day at work, it can have a huge impact on everything. Are you working too much? Do you feel accurately compensated for your work? How do you get along with your co-workers? How satisfied are you with your career/work? I knew it was time for me to leave my previous job when I started to look forward to the weekends – on Monday. It was also affecting my mental and emotional health because I was starting to hate it and it made me question if being a psychotherapist was still the right career for me. After taking a much-needed break, I discovered that it is – just not in the same capacity.

I hope this has been helpful and maybe even a little inspiring, especially if you've been putting off contacting your doctor/dentist/therapist/financial planner/friends/family/rabbi/priest/minister. All these categories are interconnected; have you noticed that when you feel stressed about work, you're more prone to exhaustion and illness? Or that when you're broke, you become snappy and easily irritated? As Americans, we're taught to get help once we've already got a problem. Wouldn't it be awesome to prevent the problem from happening in the first place? Now excuse me, I need to call my dentist and make an appointment.