Please Let Me Please You, Please

 

Recently, I ran into an acquaintance when she was with her child. I was playing with her kid and she began to explain different things about some of the choices she's made about raising them. Several things came to mind: 1. Unless you are clearly beating or neglecting your child, I don't really have any vested interest in how you choose to raise them. 2. Why are you explaining to me, someone who doesn't know you at all, about your child-rearing practices? 3. It must be tiring to feel compelled to please people, including people who are basically strangers. I felt sad for her; I couldn't imagine expending so much energy into trying to please others, especially people I don't particularly care about nor interact with on any regularity.

People-pleasing manifests in different ways. Generally, a people-pleaser has a difficult time establishing healthy boundaries. They feel guilty saying no, they take responsibility for others' feelings and behaviors as well as for things that are out of their control. They also put their own needs last and sacrifice for others, believing that they will get the approval they seek. This is what a people-pleaser looks like:

People don't start out as being a people-pleaser; this is a learned behavior that develops during childhood and is sometimes precipitated by a traumatic relationship with a primary family member. Underlying the behavior is a fear of being abandonned and low self-esteem. If they just make everyone like them, no one will leave them. But it's hard work making everyone like you; it's quite impossible! That kind of thinking often leads to feelings of frustration and resentment.

It's hard to understand why someone would continuously engage in this exhaustive behavior. There's a payoff – external validation. Although it may be fleeting, they feel valued for giving/doing for others. They are rewarded with affirmations and praise. Unfortunately, this behavior becomes a cycle because it's one of the few ways they can feel good about themselves.

Does this mean if you do nice things for others, you're a people-pleaser? No. Even if you aren't a people-pleaser, it feels good to do something nice for someone else. However, it depends on your motivation. If you're coming from a healthy place, you're doing it because you want to. For someone who is a people-pleaser, it is coming from a place of guilt and fear; if you don't do it, you will be abandonned or rejected.

Here are some examples of people-pleasing behavior:

• In romantic relationships: if your partner does something that bothers you, you keep it to yourself. It's not the right time to bring it up because they are stressed/tired/going through a hard time/short/tall/big/small.

• In friendships: when your friends need a favor, they come to you and you don't say no, even though you can't afford it/don't have the time/it's incredibly difficult.

• At work: your boss asks you to do a project that's beyond your capabilities and you don't say no; you spend all your time working on this project, falling behind on other work. Now you're exhausted/stressed/frustrated/angry.

It's difficult to stop engaging in people-pleasing behavior. After all, this is conditioning that started in childhood. However, with insight and a desire to change, it is possible. Psychology Today has several tips for working towards change:

• Stall for time. If someone puts you on the spot, politely defer: "I'll check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow." Then you can assess whether the request fits in with your schedule and goals.
• Examine your motivations. People-pleasing seems like the epitome of niceness, but pleasers may assume their submissive postures because of what they expect in return. If you grant someone a favor, do it because it fulfills you—not to get something back.
• Role-play to practice asserting your needs. Get a friend to play a pushy boss, parent or acquaintance—whoever triggers your people-pleasing. Then practice saying no to unreasonable requests until it starts to feel natural.
  

For some people-pleasers, it may be helpful to seek professional assistance in working on this issue. It can be useful to trace the origins of this behavior to understand how it has impacted your life and relationships. But don't make these changes to please me...do it for you!



Do you know someone who is a people-pleaser? What does their behavior look like? How do you feel about people-pleasers?