We May Deserve It...But Can We Afford It?

One of the greatest perks about being an adult is that you get to decide for yourself. You can wear white after Labor Day if you want, listen to opera if you want, shop at Target if you want, live in a loft if you want, eat ice cream for breakfast if you want...you get the picture. After seemingly endless years of our parents telling us what we can and cannot do, we finally get to do what we want to do.* Yeah, I've been an adult for a while, but there are still times when I feel like I should be asking someone's permission, whether it be a parent or friend. Generally, I don't, but there's still this sense of checking to make sure that what I want is okay.

However, it seems that for some, that power to decide comes with another facet - a sense of entitlement. I believe that as we get older, our sense of what we deserve or are entitled to gets stronger. It allows us to rationalize the things we want into things we need, regardless of whether we can afford it or not. Do I deserve that new dress? Or a new car? Or a trip to Paris? Um, hell yeah, I deserve it! I'm a nice person, I help short people reach things on the high shelves and I work hard - therefore, I get to play hard. I am entitled to drive my new car to the airport so I can catch a flight to Paris to buy my new dress, dammit!

Here's the problem: I don't have thousands of dollars to do that. My credit card does though....Hmmm. What to do?

While there are definite times when I get the financial f*%kits, something of this magnitude is not something I can just shrug my shoulders about and let Visa take care of it. But I'm sure I can find the dress...and that's exactly what gets us in trouble. Since we know we don't have money for the big stuff, it makes it much easier to spend money on the smaller, seemingly affordable stuff. The thing is, when we don't have money, we don't have money, regardless of what MasterCard may be whispering in our ear. When we put items on our credit cards because we don't have money in our bank accounts to pay for it, that could be an indicator we may be living above our means. (Please click on this link to see if this is you.)

That's such a bummer. I think I need to buy some shoes to go with my new dress to make me feel better about living above my means.

So what do you do when you're living above your means? First, track your money and figure out where it's all going. Once that is done, create a spending plan (aka budget). Many people have an adverse reaction when it comes to following one, but it's the easiest way to gain control of your money. It also helps you understand where you might be able to cut some of your spending; I'm sorry, but cable will never be a necessity! You can also hire someone to help you. Now, I've heard several people say they don't want to go to a financial planner until they get their money in order. That's like saying I'm not going to use birth control until after I accidentally get pregnant. Kinda silly, right?

Our relationship with money has a huge impact on everything - our lifestyle choices, our mental health, our physical health, our relationships. If we don't get it to a functional and healthy space, we're going to be eating cat food when we're old because we don't have any retirement money. Although I may deserve that trip to Paris, I also deserve to be clothed, sheltered and fed. Visa and MasterCard could help me get there, but in the end, I think I should just save up for it and go when I can afford it.




*Within the legal confines established by the law, of course.

I Do Therapy...Retail Therapy!

As soon as you walk in, your eyes connect. You walk over, in a daze, shell-shocked. You can't believe what you're experiencing. Your heart is racing and it feels like you can't breathe. You walk over and touch; the spark is instantaneous. How have you lived this long without each other? You make your approach and ask that fateful question.

“Do you have these in my size?”

You have been waiting for a long time and they are finally, finally on sale. “Ohmigod,” you say to yourself, “please, please, please, have them in my size.” They do! You already know what you're going to wear them with, where you're going to wear them and how well they'll get along with the other shoes in your closet. You leave the store with your new purchase and excitedly call your friend to talk about your shopping success. You're feeling good and when you get home, you try them on with everything. Who cares that you maxed out your credit card again? You deserved these shoes (dress, play station, rare coin collection, whatever) because your week has been...sigh...hard.

Retail therapy is a relatively new term that has been coined to describe how people shop or spend money to make themselves feel better. If we are feeling stressed, we go shopping. If we feel sad, we buy something. If we feel good, we head to our favorite store to get something new. While it's commonly believed that it's only women who engage in this behavior, men do it too. It just may look a little different; what was that last video game/gadget you bought? (Although I know plenty of men who like shoes just as much as I do and women who love their gadgets.)

I believe it's okay to reward ourselves every now and again, especially when we've accomplished a goal. One of the perks to being an adult is doing what you want with your stuff – including your money. Yet, many of us have a problem with being a little too indulgent. There have been times when it felt like I had “extra” money (hahahahaha!) and gave myself permission to buy something new. We often justify purchases because we convince ourselves we need something; however, some of us have a difficult time discerning the difference between a want and a need. For example:

Need: clothes

Want: that new Calvin Klein dress

Rationalization: there are too many pictures on Facebook wearing the same outfit

Need: a computer (potentially arguable, but most of us need a computer for our jobs)

Want: an Ipad

Rationalization: laptops are soooo much heavier and it's going to start hurting my back to carry it around

Need: shelter

Want: an apartment in that swanky building downtown

Rationalization: it has a gym...I'd definitely start working out if I had a gym in my apartment building

Trust me, I am the queen of rationalizing a want into a need. That's why I have so many pairs of shoes in my closet – I really needed those black platform heels because I didn't have any other shoes that made me 6 feet tall.

One thing to be aware of is when the occasional trip to the mall for some retail therapy turns into compulsive shopping/spending. Compulsive shopping is considered a mental health disorder; it can be just as problematic as having an addiction to drugs and alcohol. Here are some signs that you may have a problem:

1. You have purchased items that you've never or seldom worn/used.

2. You feel a mix of euphoria and anxiety when you purchase something new.

3. You hide your purchases from a loved one because it will create conflicts.

4. You buy things on your credit card that you wouldn't pay cash for.

5. When you are having an emotionally difficult time, you head straight to the stores to feel better.

6. You don't have enough space for all your stuff and it's beginning to take over the rest of your house.

This list is by no means exhaustive; click on the link above to take the "Are you a Shopaholic?" test. Don't forget - shopping online also counts!

Money seems to be a dirty word; most of us feel more comfortable talking about our sex lives than our finances. How many of us know how much our friends make? How many of us talk about our own money? Or ask for help when we're struggling? I have definitely been guilty of keeping it a secret. However, in keeping quiet, we're not sharing ideas on how to create spending plans, pay down debt or invest. More importantly, we carry around our anxiety and fears about our own financial health that can be allayed by talking about it with close friends and/or a trusted professional (i.e. a psychotherapist or financial planner).

As we become more professionally accomplished and better financially compensated (hallelujah!), it's crucial that we invest in ourselves by taking care of business now. Even if we are not yet making the amount of money we truly deserve, it is time to start looking at our relationship with money. Is it healthy? Balanced? How is it impacting our stress level and emotional well-being? It's also important to change our mindset. Instead of thinking about how sexy that new dress will be, think about your sexy retirement fund. Or that hot zero balance on your credit card. It's not easy, but damn, it feels better being able to sleep at night, knowing that all your hard-earned money is going where it should – toward taking care of you. Besides...you can only wear one pair of shoes at a time.

When it comes to money, do you avoid dealing with it? Have you been guilty of spending your money before paying your bills? Have you ever robbed Peter to pay Paul? How have your spending habits prohibited you from doing what you want? Are you afraid of being broke? What kinds of messages did you get about money growing up? What are some positive money habits you have learned?