Honesty - The Best Policy?

Yes, honesty is the best policy. Is it the most used policy? Of course it's not. We are all liars.

Bask in the positivity of that statement my friends and go on about enjoying your Friday. You're welcome.

We lie. We lie to our friends, we lie to our co-workers, we lie to our partners, we lie to our families; hell, we even lie to ourselves. Usually, it's not done in a malicious way. Often, they are little white lies we say in order to keep the peace, save face or not hurt anyone's feelings. Unfortunately, all that we're doing is protecting ourselves; we don't want to deal with the fallout telling the truth may cause.

I'm not saying we need to tell everything all the time - there are times when it's best to keep some things to ourselves. It's probably not in our best interest to tell our boss how many office supplies we "borrow" or our new boo that we've looked at all their photos on Instagram. We might keep to ourselves how our BFF's new love has the most atrocious breath or how much you can't stand your mother-in-law. Unless we're asked directly, there's no need to share some things. Even then, I encourage you to proceed with caution. Many people say they want the truth, but again...they're lying. Don't take it personally, they're mostly lying to themselves.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, the honesty-best-policy issue becomes a lot trickier. All of us believe we want an open and honest relationship, but...we can't let all our crazy everything out at once. Is it a lie if we don't acknowledge we're still working out our feelings about our ex-boo from the 8th grade? Or if we "forget" to mention that several of our FB friends are people who've seen us naked? (Which is why you shouldn't be FB friends with a new boo right away anyway!) While these little white lies of omission can seem harmless, most things eventually come to light.


Several months ago, I dated this guy we'll call Bob. He seemed really nice and we were having a good time getting to know each other. Suddenly, his job informed him that he would be moving halfway around the world for a stint and he was forced to put his personal life on hold (i.e. dating). Given his profession and background, this was a totally believable possibility. To say the least, I was disappointed and was sure the universe was really trying mess with my head. Recently, I learned that while Bob may very well be headed to foreign lands some day, he's also headed down the aisle as he got engaged to someone in the last 6 months.

Bob lied.

In this circumstance, it would have been much less painful for me if Bob had just told the truth - he was a devout Christian who does not feel comfortable with homosexuality. Clearly, he and I would not have made it far since I am an honorary lesbian and have a severe church allergy. I'm not sure why it was difficult for him just to say he wanted a nice church girl who doesn't spend her quality time with the gays, but for whatever reason, he felt compelled to tell me all kinds of little and big lies that led to my faith in men weekend being ruined.

Thank God he is a church-going Christian...that makes his lying less liar-y.

Just Three Dollars

All of my friends know that I'm very diligent when it comes to tracking and spending  my money. Although there are several times a month year when I get the Financial F*ckits, I'm overall a responsible chick. So when I got my internet bill this month, I was quite shocked and unprepared to see that it went up three whole dollars! I couldn't understand; it's a set bill and it's been the same for the last year. However, I remained calm and then the following conversation ensued (in my head, not out loud because I don't really talk to myself, not all the time, just some of the time, mind your business!):

Me: Why the F is my bill $3 more?!
Self: It's just $3, you spent more than that on Candy Crush Saga** trying to get extra moves and sh*t.
Me: But that means I'm going to have to reconfigure my budget. That $3 adds up.
Self: Why are you getting indignorant* about $3? You can pay it.
Me: It's about the principalities involved. Is it a one time charge or is this increase for real? I can't even deal with this right now.
Self: Sigh. You're being really extra right now.
Me: This $3 is extra!
Self: Just pay it. It's no big deal.

Since today is pay day (aka pay all your bills and be broke all over again day), I got ready to pay my internet bill, $3 increase and all. Then it occurred to me - how many times have I just let something slide and put up with it because it was the easier thing to do? Or because I didn't want to make a big deal of something that seems kind of small?

Oh snap! This is not about a bill anymore.

We deal with stress on some level every day. Whether it's about work, money, relationships, or the people who keep breaking into your car, we easily get stressed out. In order to not get overwhelmed, we are encouraged not to sweat the small stuff (and to get a medicinal marijuana card for our anxiety). However, it's the unsweated small stuff that starts to add up until it's become a big stuff. Before you know it, you're calling AT&T, yelling at someone in India for increasing your internet bill $3.

(That didn't actually happen. Her name was Carmen and she was in Bakersfield. I did not yell. But we'll come back to that.)


How do you address the small stuff without becoming a nag? This is a very difficult task, especially since the definition of nag is often a source of conflict between partners (and genders). It takes effective communication skills, which also includes active listening and empathy. We often take a victim role - "My boss/partner/friend is doing this to me," when in reality, they are usually unaware of what they are doing. We get frustrated and angry about it and it comes out in how we address it, putting them on the defensive and nothing gets accomplished. However, if someone is engaging in a behavior that bothers you or makes you feel some kind of way, it is important to address it in the moment, regardless of how small it may seem.

Everyday, we make a decision about how we allow the world to treat us. While some of us go the more aggressive route of confronting every little issue with any and everybody, most of us try to avoid conflict as much as possible. Not necessarily because we're wussies (although some of us are), but because it's easier and we don't want to make a big deal out of something seemingly small. Yet, there comes a point where we have to start putting our foot down; over time, those little things we let slide can send a message that we will tolerate being treated any kind of way. This can lead to resentment and passive-aggressive behavior and you may find that yourself without internet service because you're "getting them back" by not paying your bill.

So I decided instead of automatically paying the extra $3, I was going to investigate and see what this was all about. I had a very lovely conversation with Carmen, who explained that the increase was mentioned in the February bill (who actually looks at their online PDF bill?!) but she would happily allow me to pay the regular fee this month and start the increased rate next month. Then she tried to sell me some extra technology, which I politely declined and we got off the phone, relationship intact.

Really Carmen, if I'm griping about $3, do you think I want to pay another $80 more per month? Silly rabbit!


*indignorant - indignant about ignorant sh*t
** do not play this game unless you plan on selling your soul (or your kidney) just to clear some freakin' jelly!

The Apology

I do not like Dr. Phil. He is a blustering, self-serving buttnugget whose brand of therapizing is a gimicky blame and shame game. However, every now and again he'll drop some knowledge that resonates with me. Okay, really, it was only just once, but he's said it often enough that it stuck. When two people are funkin', he asks "Do you want to be right or do you want things to get better?" Simple, yet profound. I guess Dr. Phil is good for something.

So do I want to be right or want things to get better?

Of course, I want things to be better....and things are better when I'm right. Which means that the other person has to see things from my perspective, agree that it's the right interpretation of the situation and then apologize for not only being wrong, but for also thinking I was wrong in the first place.

That happens pretty much never.

The only apology that allows forward movement in a relationship is the sincere apology. Here is what a true apology looks like:

The Sincere Apology: "I am truly sorry. I've given it a lot of thought and I can understand how my behavior makes you feel ______. I will really work on being more considerate of your feelings." There's an expression of empathy, thought and consideration as well as planned behavioral changes to prevent creating a similar situation.

However, there are other types of apologies that masquerade as being sincere but they are not. Watch out for the following trickerative moves:

The Non-Apology Apology: "I'm sorry you feel this way."
This basically means it was not intended to evoke feelings of ______ about what happened, but the I'm sorry is designed to distract one from noticing there are no sorry feelings for doing whatever it is that caused those feelings.

The It's Really Your Fault Apology: "I'm sorry but if you hadn't done X, I would not have done Y."
Essentially, they are really not sorry and they are putting the blame back on you. Closely related to the Non-Apology Apology.

The Can We Avoid the Conversation Apology: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I was wrong. I'm sorry. Can you pass the potatoes?"
This is a placating apology, meant to distract the aggrieved party from focusing on the issue. They just want to get past it without really acknowledging the issue.

The Forced/Angry Apology: "Fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy now?"
This is similar to how your mom made you apologize to your brother for hitting him after he farted on your head. You would not apologize if you didn't feel forced and it is obvious by your tone you don't really mean it.

Unless someone was egregiously wrong, the likelihood of getting an immediate and sincere apology is often slim (and even then it may be iffy). We all want to be right; our perspective is the only correct and valid one. Unfortunately, when we get stuck in our perspective, we are ignoring the possibility to actually work on the relationship.When we are hurt, we can easily fall into the victim/martyr role. "They did this to me, they hurt me," becomes our mantra and sometimes an excuse for equally hurtful and punishing behavior. We forget that this person (hopefully) did not act with the intention of hurting us. What may have been the opportunity for growth becomes just another fight without any real resolution.

But that's okay, as long as we both know that I'm right.

Happy New Year's...at the End of March!

I know it's been a long time since my last post. I could give you a litany of reasons why, but the bottom line was that I just didn't feel like it. Writer's block, laziness, resistance to doing something work-like on my day off, my baby toe hurts...pick one and it would be true on any given Friday.

So if you're reading this, thanks for checking back in and if you missed me, I missed you back. :)

I'm not going to lie; 2012 was NOT my year. Sure, plenty of good things happened, but there were also plenty of setbacks, and 2013 couldn't come fast enough. New Year's Eve, spent in the company of great friends (and even greater champagne) was the day I laid my battered and bruised spirit down and woke up in a new year with renewed hope and energy. Yay!

What did I do differently you might ask? I made a commitment not to go shopping for a month, I made a commitment to eating healthier and I began training for a half-marathon (2 more days!). All of those things have stuck; I have more money in my pocket (to pay for busted windows because my car keeps getting broken into...grrr), I don't have to give said money to Weight Watchers to help me keep my weight down, and I believe that I can run those 13.1 miles without dying. I'm amazed too.

However, there are some things going on in my life that are constant reminders that I don't really have control over much like I delude myself into believing. I've always thought that if I put some positive energy, lots of thought into something (and rub Buddha's belly), then I would get what I wanted. I'd like to believe that I'm right about this, but there is some evidence that this is not always the case. This has been quite a painful lesson; not that I thought I was all-powerful, but still, maybe like a second-in-command? No?


Now we're fully ensconced in 2013. It's a new season and the days are longer; I would have thought by now my whole life would be different! Again, some good things have happened/are happening, but some of the setbacks and frustrations of 2012 have weaseled their way into 2013. Okay, maybe I haven't been as proactive in keeping them out...did I mention that I deluded myself into believing some things that were not true?

It's a good thing I don't believe in beating myself up. Life is hard enough; I've got to always be on my team and to tell Beverly to be quiet. Regardless of the good and the less good that's been going on in my life, I'm constantly learning. And sometimes, when I'm really feeling myself, I even use what I've learned and apply (reply) it!

So I'm making one more commitment - I'm going to do all that I can so that 2013 will evolve into a fantastic year. Just in case, keep your fingers crossed (but not your eyes).

The Palate Cleanser

 

You're not sure why or how it happened, but it happened. You woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and decided - now that you've made it to a certain age, it's time to upgrade your dining game. You pull out your wallet and take out all your frequent dining cards. Goodbye Chevy's, goodbye Olive Garden, peace out Applebee's. (Of course you don't throw them away, but you acknowledge that you're only going to use them for special occasions, like when you have a craving for a margarita in glass larger than your head.)

Inspired by your sudden grown-upedness, you make a reservation for you and a guest to try out the famous French bistro, Sacrebleu! You don't know much about French food, but hear that it's magnifique and since you're a big kid now, you'll be eating that gourmet sh*t on the regular. You get all fancy, head to the restaurant and get ready to enjoy some glorious grub. They start bringing out various nibbles, otherwise known as appetizers. And then...what's this? Holy pomme frites Batman, it appears they serve dessert in between different courses. Score, because you love some sorbet. Your server overhears you talking about this with your companion and gently corrects you. "No, no, it's not dessert. It's called a palate cleanser, so you can appreciate the different flavors of each course."

Wow. Those Frenchies are fancy.

To those who prefer the simpler fare of Chili's, it probably sounds silly to eat fruity ice in between your southwestern eggrolls and baby back ribs. But for those who like to try complicated dishes with unrecognizable names, it's necessary because you want to be able to appreciate the complex nuances of each ingredient that complements and enhances each flavor (I'm beginning to sound a little fancy myself!).

So what's the point (besides embarrassing you about your fondness for endless breadsticks) of this lengthy analogy?

There are palate cleansers in life, especially when it comes to relationships! Whew, I was working really hard to get that out. Sorry it took so long.

After a break up, whether it's good or bad, it's usually a good idea to take a dating hiatus. However, many of us feel like it's a good idea to hook up with someone else. This is known as the Rebound. The Rebound tends to be someone you don't consider a suitable mate, but they're a perfect distraction while you recover from your last relationship. Rebounds typically last a few months; however, according to urban legend, some rebounds turn into the next relationship.*

The Palate Cleanser doesn't always come immediately after a relationship. It may sometimes come after The Rebound. While it also tends to be a short-lived interaction or eventually have a foreseeable expiration date, there are several differences between it and the Rebound.

1. This is actually someone you take seriously (and out in public).
2. They treat you well (way better than your ex).
3. If you haven't completely gotten over your ex, they seal the deal.
4. They help you remember how awesome you are and that you have a lot to offer.


The Palate Cleanser becomes the Palate Cleanser retrospectively; the Rebound is generally intentional and often sexual. What the PC does is get you ready for your next real relationship. There's usually relationship amnesia after a break-up; it's easy to forget that relationships can be full of love and happiness. We get stuck in the muck and the mire of what went wrong and we only remember the emotional fatigue and bitterness that pulled us apart. While the Rebound is mindless fun, the PC has the potential to turn into something serious.  And that was the fun...being excited about the potential. Over time, maybe about a month or two, you learn that you're not compatible.Whether it's because their flaws include emotional laziness or not consistently taking a shower, there is an end date to your dating. However, the experience of learning that was enjoyable. It reminded you that there are good people out there, that you're still in the game and that the person you became in your former relationship was just a symptom of the relationship, not who you are. They served their purpose: to cleanse your palate.

Bring on the snails! You are ready for the next course.

A Grand Old Flag

Do you remember that song? Shockingly, I can. Although I can barely remember what I wore the day before, I can remember one of the many patriotic songs my 6th grade teacher made us sing after we recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Crazy how the brain works. However, this is not a treatise to the American flag. This is about the flag we often try to deny exists - the vibrantly bright red flag.

All of us have our quirks, idiosyncrasies, unique traits (aka issues) that can make us both amazingly different and terrifically annoying to others and sometimes to ourselves. None of us are baggage-free; I cannot reiterate enough that we ALL have issues. Those issues tend to become more evident when we get involved with other people, whether it be a romantic or platonic situation. When we enjoy being in the company of others, we make a decision if their quirks are tolerable enough to pursue a relationship. Many times we say yes; we know we're special too and we're being just as tolerated.


When we start a relationship, both of us are bringing the version of our best selves to the table. It's a courting ritual that happens in all types of relationships. When you start a new job, you are always on time and you are super friendly to everyone, asking about their kids and bringing in pastries. You want to remind them that they hired the right candidate (and make it out of the probation period when they can fire you just because). Look at that same person a year later - they've gotten comfortable getting to work at 10 and they only bring donuts for their work friends. They kept their punctuality issue under wraps until they felt secure enough to be their true, tardy selves.

Going into relationships with people, we know this is something that will eventually show itself. It takes time to build trust that you can showcase your issues without being rejected or abandoned. Part of our relationships is an exchange of baggage: I'll wear your backpack if you help me carry my duffel bag. (Keep in mind that exchange should be pretty equal; I'm not carrying your purse, laptop bag, and trunk while you're holding on to my makeup bag.) That's why it's important to have a vetting process before you fully allow someone to be a part of your life. Run a credit check, look in their medicine cabinets, see if they like to torture animals...no? Too far? Okay, how about this? Spend some time with them (duh) and pay attention. While it seems fairly simple, I think many people forget about the paying attention part. We get caught up in having a new friend/job/baby boo and forget that we're supposed to figure out if this relationship is actually going to work. Our excitement about our shiny and new situation often blinds us to those little (and sometimes ginormous) red flags. Five months later, we look up and can't figure out how we got in the middle of a sh*t storm.

We forgot to vet them.

Even though our representative is in the building during the initial building phase of the relationship, there are little indicators of what's actually brewing beneath the surface. Whether it's in a story they tell us about other relationships or something they do that doesn't quite feel right, we are so enamored, we give them the benefit of the doubt. "They'd never do that to me," we think. Or "I'm reading way too much into this situation." There's nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt. People grow, people change. However, the problem is when we ignore what they are showing and telling us about themselves and deny the real possibility that they haven't changed. That's how we find ourselves wrestling in red jello with a one-legged hobo in the middle of January. Know what I mean?

Considering you'll never, ever find someone without their issues, your goal is not to avoid all relationships; it's to take the time to figure out if you want one with a specific person. The vetting process is about gathering information and figuring out if you can tolerate their issues and vice versa. Red flags don't necessarily mean the relationship can't happen; you just have to be aware of them and if they are incongruent with what you want in your relationship. If there is incongruence, it's important for you to have the courage to either end the relationship or change the way in which you interact. Otherwise, you will find yourself face to face with a one-legged hobo.

And it's too cold in January to wrestle in red jello. (Now chocolate pudding is a whole 'nother story!)

You Down With BPD?

"Yeah, you know me!"

"Yep, I sure do."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Uh, it just means that I know you."

"You don't know me! You never knew me and you never will! You just think you know everything don't you? You're sooooo damn smart! I bet you know everything about everybody all the time. You're so arrogant. That's why I can't stand you."

"Ummmmm..."

I promise, I was not ear hustling when you had almost this exact conversation recently. You know this person, don't you? They are your parent/partner/coworker/friend. No matter what you say or do, it's wrong. Unless it's a Wednesday. On Wednesdays, you are the most perfectest angel and they love everything about you. Except for Wednesdays that happen to be the last day of the month...if they end on the 31st. If they end on the 30th, there's a 50% chance that everything you do will be awesome but everything you say will be devastating. But only in the morning. And then there are Saturdays...

Are you thoroughly confused? Can this person leave you feeling both elated and drained, regardless if it's a Wednesday morning or the 31st of a month that ends in Y? Do you feel like you're going crazy? You, my friend, may be dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

What exactly is BPD? According to www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, BPD is the following:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Is this beginning to sound familiar? Do your toes hurt from always walking around on the tips? This is not to say that all difficult people have BPD. However, if you find that your interactions with them leave you frazzled, upset, flummoxed, and discombobulated just about all the time, you might want to check their behaviors against the above symptom list.

Like most mental health disorders, there's no concrete determination about what causes BPD. Genetics, family dysfunction levels, sexual/physical abuse are thought to have some correlation, but there's no definitive connection between those issues and BPD. Essentially, this person does not know how to regulate their emotions; they tend to go above and beyond what's appropriate for the situation and they are very black and white in their thinking. Unfortunately, people who have BPD are often the most difficult to treat because it requires insight, self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors. This group of folks are not known for having those skills, hence the reason most of their relationships are tumultuous and unstable.

Shhh! If you listen carefully, you'll hear the sound of a bunch of light bulbs turning on. Yes, it's cousin Will! Yes, it's that nightmare crazy beezy from HR! Yes, it's your baby boo! And no, you're not crazy after all!

Please release your sigh of relief now.

How can you best deal with someone who has BPD? I say run like a cheetah. Okay, okay, I guess people with BPD need love too.* (And sometimes, you may not have that option.) BPs feel the most comfortable in chaos and drama so it's up to you to set boundaries and not become a part of it. They will resort to all kinds of tactics to draw you in, whether it be to accuse you of lying all the time, assassinating your character or playing on your vulnerabilities. Considering the fact that you are human, it can be quite the challenge to resist engaging. We all feel defensive when baseless accusations are made against us; that is when the duel begins. Regardless of how verbally skilled you are, you will lose because BPs seldom know what it means to be rational. And the drama continues.

If you are dealing with someone with BPD, there are resources and support groups out there to help you; I've included links to two articles with some tips. The one thing I encourage you to remember: this is not your sh*t; you cannot fix them...even if it's the second Sunday of the first month of summer with the promise of pancakes for dinner on the roof of a hatchback Nova.


*Although people with BPD can be difficult to contend with, they can also be wonderful, insightful people who are continuously working on managing their symptoms.