Do you remember that song? Shockingly, I can. Although I can barely remember what I wore the day before, I can remember one of the many patriotic songs my 6th grade teacher made us sing after we recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Crazy how the brain works. However, this is not a treatise to the American flag. This is about the flag we often try to deny exists - the vibrantly bright red flag.
All of us have our quirks, idiosyncrasies, unique traits (aka issues) that can make us both amazingly different and terrifically annoying to others and sometimes to ourselves. None of us are baggage-free; I cannot reiterate enough that we ALL have issues. Those issues tend to become more evident when we get involved with other people, whether it be a romantic or platonic situation. When we enjoy being in the company of others, we make a decision if their quirks are tolerable enough to pursue a relationship. Many times we say yes; we know we're special too and we're being just as tolerated.
When we start a relationship, both of us are bringing the version of our best selves to the table. It's a courting ritual that happens in all types of relationships. When you start a new job, you are always on time and you are super friendly to everyone, asking about their kids and bringing in pastries. You want to remind them that they hired the right candidate (and make it out of the probation period when they can fire you just because). Look at that same person a year later - they've gotten comfortable getting to work at 10 and they only bring donuts for their work friends. They kept their punctuality issue under wraps until they felt secure enough to be their true, tardy selves.
Going into relationships with people, we know this is something that will eventually show itself. It takes time to build trust that you can showcase your issues without being rejected or abandoned. Part of our relationships is an exchange of baggage: I'll wear your backpack if you help me carry my duffel bag. (Keep in mind that exchange should be pretty equal; I'm not carrying your purse, laptop bag, and trunk while you're holding on to my makeup bag.) That's why it's important to have a vetting process before you fully allow someone to be a part of your life. Run a credit check, look in their medicine cabinets, see if they like to torture animals...no? Too far? Okay, how about this? Spend some time with them (duh) and pay attention. While it seems fairly simple, I think many people forget about the paying attention part. We get caught up in having a new friend/job/baby boo and forget that we're supposed to figure out if this relationship is actually going to work. Our excitement about our shiny and new situation often blinds us to those little (and sometimes ginormous) red flags. Five months later, we look up and can't figure out how we got in the middle of a sh*t storm.
We forgot to vet them.
Even though our representative is in the building during the initial building phase of the relationship, there are little indicators of what's actually brewing beneath the surface. Whether it's in a story they tell us about other relationships or something they do that doesn't quite feel right, we are so enamored, we give them the benefit of the doubt. "They'd never do that to me," we think. Or "I'm reading way too much into this situation." There's nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt. People grow, people change. However, the problem is when we ignore what they are showing and telling us about themselves and deny the real possibility that they haven't changed. That's how we find ourselves wrestling in red jello with a one-legged hobo in the middle of January. Know what I mean?
Considering you'll never, ever find someone without their issues, your goal is not to avoid all relationships; it's to take the time to figure out if you want one with a specific person. The vetting process is about gathering information and figuring out if you can tolerate their issues and vice versa. Red flags don't necessarily mean the relationship can't happen; you just have to be aware of them and if they are incongruent with what you want in your relationship. If there is incongruence, it's important for you to have the courage to either end the relationship or change the way in which you interact. Otherwise, you will find yourself face to face with a one-legged hobo.
And it's too cold in January to wrestle in red jello. (Now chocolate pudding is a whole 'nother story!)
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