You Down With BPD?

"Yeah, you know me!"

"Yep, I sure do."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Uh, it just means that I know you."

"You don't know me! You never knew me and you never will! You just think you know everything don't you? You're sooooo damn smart! I bet you know everything about everybody all the time. You're so arrogant. That's why I can't stand you."

"Ummmmm..."

I promise, I was not ear hustling when you had almost this exact conversation recently. You know this person, don't you? They are your parent/partner/coworker/friend. No matter what you say or do, it's wrong. Unless it's a Wednesday. On Wednesdays, you are the most perfectest angel and they love everything about you. Except for Wednesdays that happen to be the last day of the month...if they end on the 31st. If they end on the 30th, there's a 50% chance that everything you do will be awesome but everything you say will be devastating. But only in the morning. And then there are Saturdays...

Are you thoroughly confused? Can this person leave you feeling both elated and drained, regardless if it's a Wednesday morning or the 31st of a month that ends in Y? Do you feel like you're going crazy? You, my friend, may be dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

What exactly is BPD? According to www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, BPD is the following:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Is this beginning to sound familiar? Do your toes hurt from always walking around on the tips? This is not to say that all difficult people have BPD. However, if you find that your interactions with them leave you frazzled, upset, flummoxed, and discombobulated just about all the time, you might want to check their behaviors against the above symptom list.

Like most mental health disorders, there's no concrete determination about what causes BPD. Genetics, family dysfunction levels, sexual/physical abuse are thought to have some correlation, but there's no definitive connection between those issues and BPD. Essentially, this person does not know how to regulate their emotions; they tend to go above and beyond what's appropriate for the situation and they are very black and white in their thinking. Unfortunately, people who have BPD are often the most difficult to treat because it requires insight, self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors. This group of folks are not known for having those skills, hence the reason most of their relationships are tumultuous and unstable.

Shhh! If you listen carefully, you'll hear the sound of a bunch of light bulbs turning on. Yes, it's cousin Will! Yes, it's that nightmare crazy beezy from HR! Yes, it's your baby boo! And no, you're not crazy after all!

Please release your sigh of relief now.

How can you best deal with someone who has BPD? I say run like a cheetah. Okay, okay, I guess people with BPD need love too.* (And sometimes, you may not have that option.) BPs feel the most comfortable in chaos and drama so it's up to you to set boundaries and not become a part of it. They will resort to all kinds of tactics to draw you in, whether it be to accuse you of lying all the time, assassinating your character or playing on your vulnerabilities. Considering the fact that you are human, it can be quite the challenge to resist engaging. We all feel defensive when baseless accusations are made against us; that is when the duel begins. Regardless of how verbally skilled you are, you will lose because BPs seldom know what it means to be rational. And the drama continues.

If you are dealing with someone with BPD, there are resources and support groups out there to help you; I've included links to two articles with some tips. The one thing I encourage you to remember: this is not your sh*t; you cannot fix them...even if it's the second Sunday of the first month of summer with the promise of pancakes for dinner on the roof of a hatchback Nova.


*Although people with BPD can be difficult to contend with, they can also be wonderful, insightful people who are continuously working on managing their symptoms.