Are They Really Conceited Or Is It You?

There is a huge correlation between one's self-confidence and self-esteem. Our self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves; if we feel good about ourselves, our confidence tends to run high. We believe that we have a lot to offer and that others will want to be around us. As we get older and become more accomplished, our sense of self becomes stronger and we (hopefully) feel more comfortable in our skin. To me, this is the truest definition of having confidence. However, as our confidence grows, it can precipitate jealousy and envy in others, including those we consider to be friends.

Some may argue that the confident person is conceited. Many people have a difficult time understanding the difference between the two. I believe that often, their interpretation has more to do with their own sense of self versus an intellectual deficit. If someone is insecure about themselves, a confident person may make them uncomfortable because it highlights their insecurities. Interestingly enough, I've found that many conceited people actually feel insecure; their arrogance is a way to distract others from seeing their insecurities. Here are the definitions of the two according to thefreedictionary.com:

Confidence: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; "his assurance in his superiority did not make him popular"; "after that failure he lost his confidence"; "she spoke with authority"

Conceited: characteristic of false pride; having an exaggerated sense of self-importance; "a conceited fool"; "an attitude of self-conceited arrogance"; "an egotistical disregard of others"; "so swollen by victory that he was unfit for normal duty"; "growing ever more swollen-headed and arbitrary"; "vain about her clothes"

If you are someone who lacks self-confidence, the world can be a difficult place to navigate. It impacts your career and your relationships; you can miss out on opportunities because you didn't speak up or want to be noticed. It's not something that can change over night, but there are several things you can do to work towards increasing your confidence, including taking an inventory of your strengths, your accomplishments, and learning how to change negative self-talk to positive. (Click on the link if you want more in-depth tips of how to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.)

Keep in mind, that when we feel good about ourselves, there will be someone out there who wants to rain on our parade. When I was social work intern, I worked at a homeless shelter. I thought I got along well with the staff, both men and women, until I learned that some of the women didn't particularly like me. I was friends with the office manager; one day, when we went to lunch, he shared this little tidbit of information. Here's how the conversation went:

Him: Blah blah and so-and-such don't really like you too much.

Me: Oh really? How come? (perplexed expression on my face)

Him: They say you think you're all that.

Me: Oh. (Shrugging shoulders.) Well, they're right, I do think that. It doesn't mean they can't

be all that too.

Him: (Laughing)

Unfortunately, this kind of situation is not unique. We have to be careful about how our confidence is perceived, particularly in professional settings. We can't appear too confident - as women, as people of color, as being young, or whatever applies to you – because we don't know what kind of stereotypes we're combatting as we interact with co-workers and bosses. There is a delicate dance we have to engage in to make others feel comfortable, especially those in power. We don't want to give anyone a reason to try to sabotage us as we move on up.

It seems like our society negatively interprets confidence as something negative, especially for women. Apparently, when a woman has a lot of confidence, it can be perceived as threatening and intimidating to both men and women. I say boo to that! Did that situation deter me from continuing to be friendly and professional with those women? Nope. How they felt about me was their issue and didn't have anything to do with me. Clearly, they needed to listen to Mary J. Blige – no hateration in this dancery!

Have you ever had an experience when someone tried to undermine your confidence? How do you deal with people who seem conceited? Can you differentiate between confidence and being conceited? Have you had to deal with someone else's insecurities in a professional and/or personal setting?