But Who Will Bathe the Dog?

 

We all have a threshold for unhappiness; we're willing to tolerate some of the things in life that may make us unhappy in the moment, but overall, contribute to our well-being. For example, paying bills, washing clothes, doing taxes, eating vegetables and going to work are all things that make me unhappy (although if the vegetables involve being cooked with bacon, it's all good). While we may have to go to work, we often have the option of choosing where we work. We may have to wash our clothes, but once it's done, we have clean clothes for a while and don't have to do it again until we run out of clean undies (for those of us who wear them). However, there are some people who choose to have unhappiness in their lives. This  can often manifest in the relationships we choose to have, especially in our romantic ones.

It's hard work being in a relationship; it takes a lot of compromise, understanding, communication and patience. Yet, many people stay in relationships that lack these concepts and they are miserable. A lot of us have friends and family who are in this miserable relationship right now. We listen, we give advice, but in the end, we're often left scratching our heads, wondering why this otherwise vibrant and intelligent person would stay with someone who so clearly makes them unhappy. They say they have a “good” reason why they stick around. Here are 8 common reasons why people stay in crappy relationships:

1. We have to stay together for the kids.
   When children are involved, it's much harder to separate; statistics show that raising a child in a two-parent home has more benefits. They also show that if the parental relationship is not stable, it's better for the child to be raised in a single-parent home. 
   
   
2. It will devastate them, I can't break their heart.
   They were fine before they met you (which is why you were attracted to them), they'll be fine after the relationship ends. Often, we take responsibility for other people's feelings. While it's ideal to be considerate and compassionate (ie. not breaking up over text message), staying in a relationship in which you are unhappy will only result in resentment, frustration and passive aggressive behavior.
   
   
3. I can't afford this lifestyle on my own.
   It's one thing if you are financially dependent on your partner, but it's another thing if you're staying because you don't want to give up the time-share in Hawaii or the facials at Aveda. 
   
   
4. Who will take care of me (ie. cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.)?
   If you're an adult, these are some skills that you may want to learn. Your partner is not your parent. That may be one of the issues that is making you miserable in your relationship. When you're being taken care of like a child, you might get treated like a child too.
   
   
5. I've already invested X amount of time in this relationship.
   This is a prime example of the Sunk-Cost Fallacy; when we invest in an endeavor that's not going well, we continue to invest in it because we've already put so much time/money/effort into it. You'll never get those years back, but you're going to give up the rest of your life?
   
   
6. Dating sucks; there aren't any good men/women out there.
   Dating can be difficult and it does seem like there are a lack of good partners out there; I have plenty of single friends, gay and straight, who can attest to that. But if the point of dating someone “good” is to eventually get into a relationship with them, how will that ever happen if you're already in a relationship with someone “bad” (in the sense they make you unhappy)?
   
   
7. Maybe they'll change.
   Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Ah, the naiveté - it's almost cute! We are often guilty of making another person be who we want them to be...in our minds. Then we're disappointed when they really aren't that way. People tell us and show us who they really are, we just choose to ignore it until we can't anymore. If who they are conflicts directly with what you want, it may be time to let go. 
   
   
8. I don't want to be alone.
   Many people fall into the category of being a serial monogamist. They flit from relationship to relationship, without taking a break and figuring out what's going on with themselves. Sometimes the last relationship hasn't all the way ended before they start a new one. It can be difficult to be single, particularly if you've never truly been single. We tend to form our identities based on our relationships with others. Brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife. Who are you when you're not in a romantic relationship? Do you like yourself when you're alone? Can you be alone?

I'm sure there are a million other reasons why people stay - from the serious (ie. reason #1) to the just plain silly (ie. who will bathe the dog?). Underlying all these reasons is fear. Ending a relationship is not easy, regardless of how miserable we are. From the outside, it may seem really clear-cut; when you're actually in the relationship, it's a lot murkier and gray. This is a person we love(d) and while we are no longer happy being with them, it's not like they are all bad. They have good qualities too and there are some definite perks to being in a relationship. Breaking up can mean making huge changes in your life, from moving out to being celibate for a while (although that could be part of the reason you're breaking up).

Whatever the reason you're unhappy with your partner, if it's not something that can be worked on, it may be time to move on. We only have this one lifetime; do we really have the time to spend it being unhappy? I know I don't.

Do any of these reasons strike a chord with you? Have you ever stayed in a relationship way too long? What do you do when those friends/family members come to you, complaining about their abysmal relationship? Do you feel like it's your place to intervene? Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship?