A Grand Old Flag

Do you remember that song? Shockingly, I can. Although I can barely remember what I wore the day before, I can remember one of the many patriotic songs my 6th grade teacher made us sing after we recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Crazy how the brain works. However, this is not a treatise to the American flag. This is about the flag we often try to deny exists - the vibrantly bright red flag.

All of us have our quirks, idiosyncrasies, unique traits (aka issues) that can make us both amazingly different and terrifically annoying to others and sometimes to ourselves. None of us are baggage-free; I cannot reiterate enough that we ALL have issues. Those issues tend to become more evident when we get involved with other people, whether it be a romantic or platonic situation. When we enjoy being in the company of others, we make a decision if their quirks are tolerable enough to pursue a relationship. Many times we say yes; we know we're special too and we're being just as tolerated.


When we start a relationship, both of us are bringing the version of our best selves to the table. It's a courting ritual that happens in all types of relationships. When you start a new job, you are always on time and you are super friendly to everyone, asking about their kids and bringing in pastries. You want to remind them that they hired the right candidate (and make it out of the probation period when they can fire you just because). Look at that same person a year later - they've gotten comfortable getting to work at 10 and they only bring donuts for their work friends. They kept their punctuality issue under wraps until they felt secure enough to be their true, tardy selves.

Going into relationships with people, we know this is something that will eventually show itself. It takes time to build trust that you can showcase your issues without being rejected or abandoned. Part of our relationships is an exchange of baggage: I'll wear your backpack if you help me carry my duffel bag. (Keep in mind that exchange should be pretty equal; I'm not carrying your purse, laptop bag, and trunk while you're holding on to my makeup bag.) That's why it's important to have a vetting process before you fully allow someone to be a part of your life. Run a credit check, look in their medicine cabinets, see if they like to torture animals...no? Too far? Okay, how about this? Spend some time with them (duh) and pay attention. While it seems fairly simple, I think many people forget about the paying attention part. We get caught up in having a new friend/job/baby boo and forget that we're supposed to figure out if this relationship is actually going to work. Our excitement about our shiny and new situation often blinds us to those little (and sometimes ginormous) red flags. Five months later, we look up and can't figure out how we got in the middle of a sh*t storm.

We forgot to vet them.

Even though our representative is in the building during the initial building phase of the relationship, there are little indicators of what's actually brewing beneath the surface. Whether it's in a story they tell us about other relationships or something they do that doesn't quite feel right, we are so enamored, we give them the benefit of the doubt. "They'd never do that to me," we think. Or "I'm reading way too much into this situation." There's nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt. People grow, people change. However, the problem is when we ignore what they are showing and telling us about themselves and deny the real possibility that they haven't changed. That's how we find ourselves wrestling in red jello with a one-legged hobo in the middle of January. Know what I mean?

Considering you'll never, ever find someone without their issues, your goal is not to avoid all relationships; it's to take the time to figure out if you want one with a specific person. The vetting process is about gathering information and figuring out if you can tolerate their issues and vice versa. Red flags don't necessarily mean the relationship can't happen; you just have to be aware of them and if they are incongruent with what you want in your relationship. If there is incongruence, it's important for you to have the courage to either end the relationship or change the way in which you interact. Otherwise, you will find yourself face to face with a one-legged hobo.

And it's too cold in January to wrestle in red jello. (Now chocolate pudding is a whole 'nother story!)

You Down With BPD?

"Yeah, you know me!"

"Yep, I sure do."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Uh, it just means that I know you."

"You don't know me! You never knew me and you never will! You just think you know everything don't you? You're sooooo damn smart! I bet you know everything about everybody all the time. You're so arrogant. That's why I can't stand you."

"Ummmmm..."

I promise, I was not ear hustling when you had almost this exact conversation recently. You know this person, don't you? They are your parent/partner/coworker/friend. No matter what you say or do, it's wrong. Unless it's a Wednesday. On Wednesdays, you are the most perfectest angel and they love everything about you. Except for Wednesdays that happen to be the last day of the month...if they end on the 31st. If they end on the 30th, there's a 50% chance that everything you do will be awesome but everything you say will be devastating. But only in the morning. And then there are Saturdays...

Are you thoroughly confused? Can this person leave you feeling both elated and drained, regardless if it's a Wednesday morning or the 31st of a month that ends in Y? Do you feel like you're going crazy? You, my friend, may be dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

What exactly is BPD? According to www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, BPD is the following:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Is this beginning to sound familiar? Do your toes hurt from always walking around on the tips? This is not to say that all difficult people have BPD. However, if you find that your interactions with them leave you frazzled, upset, flummoxed, and discombobulated just about all the time, you might want to check their behaviors against the above symptom list.

Like most mental health disorders, there's no concrete determination about what causes BPD. Genetics, family dysfunction levels, sexual/physical abuse are thought to have some correlation, but there's no definitive connection between those issues and BPD. Essentially, this person does not know how to regulate their emotions; they tend to go above and beyond what's appropriate for the situation and they are very black and white in their thinking. Unfortunately, people who have BPD are often the most difficult to treat because it requires insight, self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors. This group of folks are not known for having those skills, hence the reason most of their relationships are tumultuous and unstable.

Shhh! If you listen carefully, you'll hear the sound of a bunch of light bulbs turning on. Yes, it's cousin Will! Yes, it's that nightmare crazy beezy from HR! Yes, it's your baby boo! And no, you're not crazy after all!

Please release your sigh of relief now.

How can you best deal with someone who has BPD? I say run like a cheetah. Okay, okay, I guess people with BPD need love too.* (And sometimes, you may not have that option.) BPs feel the most comfortable in chaos and drama so it's up to you to set boundaries and not become a part of it. They will resort to all kinds of tactics to draw you in, whether it be to accuse you of lying all the time, assassinating your character or playing on your vulnerabilities. Considering the fact that you are human, it can be quite the challenge to resist engaging. We all feel defensive when baseless accusations are made against us; that is when the duel begins. Regardless of how verbally skilled you are, you will lose because BPs seldom know what it means to be rational. And the drama continues.

If you are dealing with someone with BPD, there are resources and support groups out there to help you; I've included links to two articles with some tips. The one thing I encourage you to remember: this is not your sh*t; you cannot fix them...even if it's the second Sunday of the first month of summer with the promise of pancakes for dinner on the roof of a hatchback Nova.


*Although people with BPD can be difficult to contend with, they can also be wonderful, insightful people who are continuously working on managing their symptoms. 

The Jesus Year

Prior to my friend turning 33, I'd never heard of this concept of the Jesus Year. It may have had something to do with me being a heathen, but since it wasn't quite my turn to be 33, it also wasn't something to be concerned about. According to my friend, your Jesus year is when you turn 33 and everything magically falls into place. It's all about transitioning and transforming, growing into your true, adult self. I could get with it being called the Jesus year - it is rather magical to walk on water and if I could transform water into wine, I'd be the life of every party! Now that I'm about to turn 34, I only have one thing to say about being 33: Thank you Jesus, I'm glad it's almost over!

Yeah, 33 was NOT a magical year for me.

Before I start recounting all the terrible, horrible things that have happened this year, I will say this - they weren't truly that terrible or horrible. I still have all my fingers and toes, most of my faculties, and everyone I love is in relatively good health. I have a job, I'm surrounded by an amazing community of people, and I'm taller than your average chick. I don't want to sound whiney, complainy or ungrateful-y or put a bunch of negativity in the universe. My life is pretty good, has been pretty good and I believe will continue to be pretty good, possibly even fantastically awesome.

Great! Now that my gratitude to the universe is out of the way, let's talk about how this past year has been transformativeiin a really emotionally uncomfortable way.

Love: I was in love with Sexy Heroin (still!) and no matter how low I set my expectations, he managed to disappoint me anyway. (Really, a FB message shout out on my Jesus birthday? Not even a text?! SMH. #I'mnotbitter.) Boo. I met someone else and dated him. Yay. Until he got all freaked out about commitment. Boo. But I was able to let that go very quickly. Yay. And then got caught up with Sexy Heroin again. Boo. Finally I just quit all men, particularly Sexy Heroin. Yay.

Career: I was totally in love with my job when I was 32 and a half. A mere 6 months later, I was disillusioned, dissatisfied and done. What do you do with all that training and student loan debt? Who cares, I wanted out. And what did I want to be? Right, no clue. The whole prima ballerina thing was out and I was too old to be cast on the Real World so my options seemed limited. After being stressed and depressed about it for quite some time, I finally made a decision - clown school!

Friends: Actually, this area in my life has stayed consistently good. So to all my friends, I have this to say: Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante. And if you threw a party, and you invited everyone you knew, you would see, the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend." *



Money: So, so little. So, so sad. What else is there to say? While I'm not broke, I am rarely content with the amount of money in my checking account. Do you know how exhausting it is to count every penny, nickel and dime? Riiiiiiiiiiiigghht, we're still recovering from the economic crisis of the Bush years. Still, I would like to buy a pair of shoes (everyday) without feeling a little guilty about it or worrying about my credit card debt (everyday). Yes, I know, it's that first-world drama sh*t. Forgive me.

Health/Mental Health: Overall, my health was fine. My knees started loudly complaining about working out, but generally speaking, it was good. However, I could not figure out how to make my booty bigger. Squats, lunges, running up the stairs...nothing. Does that count as health? Maybe that's more of a mental health issue. If you could imagine, all of these things that were not going right were making me feel wrong. Although I wasn't good at being depressed, I was getting better at it over this past year. All of these things were causing me to feel nauseous and giving me tension headaches. When was this "magical" year going to be over?!

2 more days.

Interestingly enough, a funny thing started to happen about 3 months ago. I relaxed into a state of radical acceptance. I stopped looking at how things were going wrong and focused on accepting them for what they were; only then could I actually make any necessary adjustments. This attitude shift is when more positive things began happening in my life. Work became more interesting. I started making a little bit of extra money. I started developing new skills to add to my resume. I took a vacation and was able to chill out and de-stress. And my love life...I'm going to keep that to myself, but I'm not sad about it.

I realize now that this year wasn't about the magic, it was about the transformation. Though this isn't the first time change and growth has happened for me, this is the first time I can actually see it happening and be present with it. It isn't something that I realized when looking back at various life events, it is something that I am doing and making happen. While I feel like this year has been very difficult, I walked away with this: things don't fall into place; you have to grab them, move them around and put them where you want. Otherwise, you'll just keep waiting for magic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice turning water into wine. How else am I going to substantially improve my financial situation?



*All from memory, it's okay to be impressed.

The End of the Road

You move to Motownphilly for an exciting job opportunity. As expected, it's a little tough out there on the social scene, but you're finally invited to a party. You meet some folks and start hanging out. It's at brunch/happy hour/the club when you meet that person, your future baby boo. Before you know it, your life is in full swing once again. Yay, happy times!

Until they're not.

You're not sure how it happened, but like a too-tight sweater, your relationship doesn't fit anymore. You don't laugh as easily, the level of affection has declined, you bicker and argue all the time; you're just not interested in them anymore. When they say they'll make love to you, you say no thanks. Regardless of the reason, the water has run dry. Yet, you don't leave. You stay, trapped in a miserable relationship. Why? I mean, it seems straightforward enough - if you're unhappy and disinterested, you should leave. Right?


If only it were that easy, but sympin' never is.

One of the most important elements of humanity is attachment. It (hopefully) starts with our parents/primary caregivers; that attachment often sets the stage for how we make friends and form intimate relationships. Within those relationships, whether it's with a romantic partner, family member or friends, we allow the other person to see our truest self - eye boogers, morning breath and all. They've seen you at your best and your worst; how do you end it with someone who knows you so intimately?

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

That's why we stay. Despite the unhappiness, the craziness, the misery, it's difficult to imagine your life without this person in it. They know you and you know them. You've shared experiences and stories and secrets; they know about your abandonment issues and you know about their mommy issues. They know how to brighten your day and make you feel better. You know the exact ratio of peanut butter to jelly to put on their sandwich. There's all this love and history...how can you say goodbye to it?

Oh right, you're frickin' miserable.

And probably more than a little scared, particularly if this is a romantic relationship. What if this is the only person in the whole wide world that can stand you? What if you never meet anyone else who understands and supports your habit of having dark chocolate (which is good for you because it has antioxidants or something in it) for breakfast and cursing like a sailor? Will the next person inspire enough comfort for you to go boo boo in their bathroom? Most importantly, how are you going to deal with the pain? These unknown answers can be enough to make you stay...despite the unhappiness, craziness and misery. And until you are able to accept that this person will no longer be a part of your life, until you are able to move past your fear, you will stay.

Thanks For Screwing Me, Mom and Dad!

Regardless of race, gender, education, socioeconomic status and any other variable, there are a couple of universal truths about people. 1. We all like to talk about ourselves. 2. Our point of view is the most legitimate. 3. The person who is driving sooooooooooooo slowly in front of you is doing it intentionally to make you late (because they are a poorly raised, inconsiderate, no driving skills having jerk-offs who have no concept of time and are being rude and disobedient). However, the one that comes up the most often (and the reason people come to my office) is that people have issues! Your issues may look different from the person sitting next to you at the bar, but both of you have them.

And who are to blame for these issues? That's right, Mumsy and Dada.

It's unavoidable, your parents have f*cked you up in some way or the other. Whether it's your fear of abandonment, your aversion to intimacy or the need to be spanked and told that you've been very naughty in public, many of these issues stem from your relationships with your primary caregivers. Of course, this is a gross generalization; other relationships and experiences also influence how you perceive the world. However, it's the relationship that you have with your parents that have a significant influence on how you relate to others, in both positive and negative ways. The coldest part about it - we often don't realize how all of this plays out. It's on such a subconscious level, we don't see that we have these issues until they somehow bitch-slap us in the face. And that's if we're lucky. Some of us are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again because we can't see how we keep playing out these (sometimes dysfunctional) roles in our relationships with friends, co-workers and lovers.

Isn't that awesome? We can totally blame someone else for our shenanigannery and ridiculosity.

Hold up...aren't you a grown up? No? Carry on then, keep blaming your parents for being a douche. And continue to call them Mumsy and Dada.

For those of us who are adults, there comes a certain point in our lives that we can no longer hold our parental units responsible for our issues. While our relationship with them may be the root cause of some of our behavior and choices, we have the ability to do something different. We are not under contract to continue to perform the same old roles that may have been handed down generation to generation. We can stop being abusive/needy/insecure/bitter people if we want to. We can stop punishing our loved ones and holding them responsible for the mistakes of our parents. And for good measure, we can also try to forgive our parents. That doesn't mean you have to welcome them into your life with open arms, especially if they caused you a lot of pain and trauma, but it could be a huge relief to let go of any anger and resentment toward them. After all, they're just people who were f*cked up by their parents, same as you.*
 
It can be quite an undertaking to acknowledge and work on some of these issues; many folks aren't ready to do that. Having someone else to blame for your mistakes is so much easier than taking responsibility for them. However, until you do, you will also remain a powerless victim of your past. Unfortunately, you can't change the past (unless you're one of those time travelers, but then you could seriously upset the balance in the universe and something crazy like Mitt Romney becoming president might happen), but you can always change your present. There are plenty of people who are professionally skilled in helping you do that.


I double-dog dare you to work those mommy/daddy issues out and move forward in your life. Actually, I'm triple-dog daring you. Now what?




*By the way, if you have procreated or are planning to, you too will also f*ck up your children in some form. It's okay, it's part of your job description; they wouldn't be normal if you didn't.

All Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

It was my senior year of high school. As I changed my clothes, a classmate (not a friend) asks me if I was still a virgin. Although it really was none of her business, I thought nothing of it when I said yes. Her response was "Stay that way," and she walked out. Um, okay. I didn't understand what she was talking about; to this day, I still don't as I remain a virgin.

Hahahahahaha. I couldn't even write that with a straight face!

As an adult, I now can recognize the wisdom in my classmate's words. As young, stupid, horny teenagers, many of us were in a hurry to be deflowered. If you were lucky, you lost your virginity to someone who cared about you, maybe even puppy-loved you a little bit and it's a cherished memory. Maybe you had rules and regulations; you had to be together this long before you would do this, and that long before you would do that. But once you start having sex, it's difficult to go back to not having sex. A lot of those rules and regulations get thrown out the window, right along with your drawls.

What are the rules of sex? According to Jill Scott, you should wait until the 5th date, to make sure that they're worthy (and not crazy). Some folks say you should do it when it feels right. Others say one should adhere to the 90 day rule. Unfortunately, most of these rules are the responsibility of the woman (in a heterosexual situation) to uphold. Men are encouraged to see how far they can get, but to be respectful of a woman's boundaries. This is not to say that some men don't have their own rules about sex; I just haven't talked to those guys.

Considering the all the potential pratfalls of sex (unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, no orgasm), many of us have a very casual attitude about it. There are all kinds of casual sexual relationships - booty calls, friends with benefits, out of town dalliances - all of which can be fantastic for those who engage in them. However, can having sex early impede the development of true feelings for someone else? Can it get in the way of getting to know someone or does it merely enhance the experience?

There's no absolute way to determine that, as each of us has varied experiences that contribute to our beliefs and feelings about sex. Yet, there seems to be an underlying belief that if a woman has sex with a man too soon, the chance of their encounter leading to a serious relationship diminishes greatly. For some folks, their goal is to not be in a relationship, so they're as happy as clams getting laid with no-strings. But for those who want to be in a relationship, sex can be difficult to navigate.

So should you wait?

If you're attracted to someone and really like them, there's a good chance there is some kind of emotion involved (for both men and women). When emotions are involved, sex becomes a lot more than a naked indoor sport. It can be easy to have a false sense of intimacy with someone you don't quite know yet nor have sorted out all your feelings. Of course, you're not going to know everything you need to before having sex, but is one date (or even 5 dates) enough time to figure out if you really like this person, so much so that you would allow them to see your scars and stretch marks (not to mention your awkward O face)?

So should you wait?

Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.

It depends. If your goal is merely to get some, get some! If you want to get to know this person, you might could wait a little while...after all, it's really hard to ask about their favorite movie in the midst of doing it. It's really up to you and your potential partner to decide what's right for the both of you. Sex isn't going to go anywhere, so take as much time as you need, whether it's 3 months, 3 weeks, 3 days or 3 minutes.

I hope it's more than 3 minutes though. Slut. ;)

BBD

It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, but the minute BBD's "Poison" comes on, I am immediately compelled to do the Running Man. Old Navy, the street corner, my car (a true sight to behold), my bathroom...I'm doing the Running Man regardless of where I am.* Luckily, over the last 20 years, I've honed my dancing skills; it's rare that I'm off-beat (but only in this scenario - I still count my steps in Turbo Kickboxing) so I feel no shame that as I wait in line to try on skirts at H&M, I'm breaking a sweat in front of random strangers.

Bell, Biv, DeVoe, thank you for bringing me so much joy...but I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about the other BBD - the bigger, better deal. While it may have nothing in common with the group, it is kind of like poison. When we're constantly searching for the BBD, we often overlook what we have. Our desire for something better can poison us against the good things we already have in our lives. We miss out on experiences, on people, on opportunities because we are keeping our options open for the bigger, better deal.
  
Does this mean you shouldn't want what's better or best? Of course not. There's nothing wrong with having goals; it's important that we continue to strive towards growth and improvement. However, it's problematic when you are perpetually dissatisfied. Nothing is as good as better. This search for a unicorn in a field of four-leaf clovers will only lead to analysis paralysis; you can spend your whole life looking for the BBD and wind up with nothing because you're so afraid that the next opportunity/shoe sale/baby boo that comes along will be even better.

This does not mean I'm advocating settling; I'm advocating for finding the balance between being content and making the best of what you have while keeping your eyes and ears open for the bigger, better deal. Though this does not always reply apply to every situation, it can be applicable to most things we deal with. For example, you are unhappy with your job. Given this economy, it's probably not the best idea to quit without having something line up. However, letting people know that you're looking for something new while focusing on the aspects of your current job that don't suck is a good way to find balance (and to minimize your desire to go postal). You get to keep your paycheck and still be proactive about finding the bigger, better job.

I know, it's easier said than done. Many of us have been taught at an early age to want the betterest thing, whatever that may be. We feel like a$$holes when we find out that what we have isn't the best, even if it's what we truly want.

I was recently reminded of this while on vacation with a friend. We were being pressured to buy a timeshare. Admittedly, they got me last time, so I already have one. When I told the salesman about the deal I have, he began telling me how his offer was better. I went into this presentation knowing that I was not going to buy anything, but I will admit, it was tempting. They use all kinds of Jedi mind trickeration to get people to purchase their timeshares, but what made me even briefly consider it (besides the free mimosas) was the idea of better. They had access to some really nice hotels, hotels that may be nicer that some of the ones I can access. Was I missing out on the bigger, better deal? Not really. Yet, I actually considered it because my fear was that I was missing out.

The irony - I haven't even used the plan I already have to even know what would be better! See how that mind trickeration works? Sneaky timeshare sales people Jedis.

~ Please close your office door before hitting play. I do not take any responsibility for anyone who compulsively starts to do the Running Man at work.

 

*Yes, I was listening to it while I was writing, but I had to turn it off because it's hard to type and do the Running Man at the same time.