"So...are you mad at me? No? Are you sure? It just seems like you're upset or feeling some kind of way. Okay, okay, you're not mad at me! However, something seems kind of off with you. Did I do something? No? Are you sure? I mean I can't imagine what I did, but if I did do something, you would tell me, right? Yes, I get it, you're not mad at me or upset. I get it. But...are you sure?"
Have you ever found yourself having this conversation with someone in your life? Short of banging your head against the wall to put yourself out of misery, it may feel like there's no right way to deal with this situation. Clearly this person is behaving in a manner that suggests they are upset with you; however, when presented with the opportunity to explain their feelings, they deny that anything is wrong. So why are they still acting out?!!! As a result, you may find yourself getting angry at them but have no idea what you're angry about other than they're not telling you about their angry feelings. A little confusing with dash of frustrating, no?
Fret no more! You have some options in dealing with this; some are even in a healthy and less frustrating way for you. Emphasis on you. See, there may come a time where you have to decide if you are willing to deal with this person, but we'll get to that later. In the meantime, here are some ways you can deal with the passive-aggressionist* in your life.
1. You can get on their level and try to out passive-aggress them. When you feel like they're upset with you, instead of asking what's wrong, just act upset with them back. Silence is golden y'all.
2. Find a wall. Bang your head against it repeatedly until you forget why you're banging your head. (2 things to keep in mind. 1. Don't bash your face - never mess with the pretty. 2. You may want to have a friend on call to take you to the hospital to make sure no permanent damage has been done.) I don't really recommend this one, but it is an option.
3. Bang their head against the wall repeatedly, letting them know that you will stop as soon as they tell you what's wrong. As tempting as it may sound, I do not advise this one either, as you could catch a case and it would be much harder to converse at a bar when you're locked up. Food for thought.
4. Ask once. If they say nothing is wrong, go about your merry way. They are adults and if they have a problem, (yo, I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it) they can come to you. Continue to act the same as always.
5. Find some empathy. This person obviously has a hard time expressing their feelings. They may need a little time to find a way to articulate them. A little "Hey, it seems like something is bothering you. I'm not sure what it is, but whenever you're ready to talk about it, I'm here," stated with a gentle, concerned tone may open the door to real communication.
How you choose to deal with it depends on your relationship. Sometimes people don't realize they're being passive-aggressive; it's the norm for them. If they are someone you love and care about, you may want to
As I stated before, most passive-aggressionists learned early in life that it was not safe for them to express their true feelings, especially if they are about their wants and needs. In order to preserve the relationship, they pretend that theirs don't matter. However, they get pissed when their unexpressed needs are not met and can easily fall into passive-aggressive behavior (as well as martyrdom). Is this annoying? Yes. Frustrating? Fa sho. When you start to feel that way, keep in mind that many passive-aggressionists are acting out of fear. They are fearful they will hurt your feelings, fearful of your response, fearful of losing you. Although it may feel like you are suffering the most, they are suffering in their own kind of way too. It may take some hand-holding and babysitting, but hopefully, you'll teach your little passive-aggressionist that it's safe for them to communicate directly with you...and nary a head will be banged against the wall!
*This can be harder to negotiate when this person is a boss/colleague, someone your forced to deal with and/or just a straight up douche.
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