Negative Much?

My first job out of graduate school was working as a coordinator for a girl's community leadership after-school program. Though I definitely appreciated and supported the mission of the program, it was not at all what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a therapist and this was pretty far off that path. Not to mention the girls were a...challenging group to work with. I was talking with my supervisor one day and said something about not being a negative person. She scoffed, essentially saying "Um, yeah right." I was utterly shocked, as I would never classify myself as a negative person. However, after giving it some real and true thought, I understood how she came to that belief. I realized that I was pretty negative when it came to that job.

Did I mention that I hated that job?

What I took away from that brief exchange was a) I needed to stop working there and b) I was totally unaware of the kind of energy I was putting out in the universe. My dissatisfaction with my job was bleeding into my usually pleasant and affable personality. While I can say confidently that I wasn't a b*tch, I was definitely playing the Debbie Downer role. It's a sunny day? It's way too hot. The weekend's right around the corner? I have to suffer through this report first. Free lunch? It's greasy and fried. I think you get the drift. And I bet you know someone exactly like this. (If you're looking in the mirror, be easy on yourself...it can sneak up on you sometimes.)

All of us are capable of becoming Eeyore at some point in the day/week/month/year. It's human nature for us to focus on things that are negative. You can receive 9 out of 10 positive reviews and you will fixate on the one that was less positive. It's how we continue working on ourselves. How can you set goals if you don't know what needs improvement? However, what I'm addressing goes beyond one negative review or an offhand comment about your hair; this has become a state of being.

I have no doubt that people who constantly focus on all that is wrong are miserable human beings. Often, negative thinking can be a symptom of depression. For many negative people, they don't even realize they are being negative. They also can't see how their negativity impacts their relationships with others. If you've ever spent time with someone who always sees the bad side of things, it becomes easier and easier to avoid them. We all have our problems - why compound them by being around someone who wants to further highlight them?

Does this mean everyone needs to be a ray of sunshine each and every day? Of course not. That can also be annoying. It's important to be true to who you are and what you're feeling. If you're having a bad day, have a bad day. Complain and whine, maybe even throw a mini-tantrum - for a brief period of time. Then let that motivate you to change your situation. There might not be something you can do immediately, but if you're working toward change, you're working toward your happiness. However, the longer you dwell on it, without doing anything about it, the more powerless and miserable you end up feeling. Thus the vicious cycle continues and you may slowly find yourself without anyone to complain or commiserate with. Your negativity pushed them away! And then you feel worse because you have no friends and you start to overeat and cry and drink excessively and...5 years later, you're living in a van, down by the river.

You see where I'm going with this?

It's important to recognize the silver lining. It can be really difficult to find at times, but it's there, even if it's barely thicker than a piece of thread. For example, you can focus on how much you hate your job (been there, fa sho!) by talking about how much you hate it and spreading your negativity to the workplace. Or you could try to find things that make it more interesting while looking for other jobs and networking outside of the workplace. I know it's easier said than done, but dwelling on the things that we're unhappy about only contributes to our misery and unhappiness.

So how do you know if you're a negative person? Ask. It may be difficult to hear, but it's important because we all engage in behaviors that are normal to us, but may be off-putting to others. Feedback is very important for personal growth and hopefully, you have someone in your life who will do it in a helpful and loving way. You can also check in with your co-workers who might be a little more direct, but helpful all the same. I know that since that conversation in 2006, I've become a lot more aware of when I'm doing it. I don't want to be that way consistently and so I listen to myself. Am I fixating on something in a negative way? Am I working toward changing it? If the answer is yes and no, then it's clear that I have some work to do. Unless I am really working on changing it, I'm just being a whiny complainer. And who wants to be around that?

Not me.