Passive Aggressionists

Apparently, there's a woman out there, who looks, talks and acts just like me, who sometimes kind of acts a bit passive-aggressive.Yes, I am as horrified as you are...she must be stopped!

Um, yeah, okay, it's me. I confess. Can I get my medal now for telling the truth?

As therapists, many people forget that under our cheerleader outfits, we're still human. Human = got issues. Although we can encourage and support you in identifying the ways in which you can positively change your life, it doesn't mean we don't struggle in making changes ourselves. While I will not drop my head down in shame, I will acknowledge that I am working on this issue. And it is more than likely that I will continue to work on it for the rest of my life. It's a difficult habit to break. I'm willing to bet big money that either you or someone you know suffer from this affliction too.

Unfortunately, for those 3 of you who are affliction-free, it's really difficult to avoid passive-aggressionists. They're your co-workers, the people who serve you food, your neighbor (whose dog poops on your lawn "accidentally" because you borrowed their lawnmower for 5 weeks), your husband/wife/sister/father/mother/brother, your best friend, the checker at your grocery store...the list goes on and on. However, I believe that even if you are not a passive aggressionist, you may still engage in passive aggressive behavior on occasion. (Do not roll your eyes at me, that is rude!)

Please note - many passive aggressionists hate when others are passive-aggressive toward them. #gofigure.

What exactly is passive-aggressive behavior? When a person feels some kind of way (usually in the vein of frustrated, hurt, angry, irritated, upset, sad, etc.) about another's behavior toward them, they do not directly address the issue. Instead, they dole out mini-punishments; it could be snide remarks, having an attitude, leaving condescending notes, withholding affection and attention or engaging in the same behavior that pissed them off in the first place (or as a former client would say, "tick for tack").

Scenario: You and your new baby boo agree to take the day off work to spend some quality time together. When you meet up, they inform you that they are going to play golf/go shopping/have drinks with their homie, cutting your quality time short. The passive-aggressionist response may be:

a. Crossing your arms, not making eye contact and giving one-word answers, including "nothing" when they ask you what's wrong.
b. Saying "It's good you're spending time with them because they are pretty needy and you like to be the superhero."
c. They lean over to kiss you on the lips and you give them the cheek. Or the finger.
d. Mentally planning on doing the same thing the next time you have plans.

Of course, there are other ways the passive-aggressive behavior can play out, but underlying all those responses is anger and hostility, most likely because your feelings are hurt. Although it can be difficult to not act out when you're upset (I cannot kiss all over your face if I'm angry with you), it is problematic when the acting out is not explained.

Many people become passive-aggressionists because of how they learned to cope with their emotions as children. It may have not been safe for them to express their feelings in a direct and assertive manner. As a result, it's more comfortable to act out their emotions, which may often be the opposite of what they're saying. In the scenario above, they could tell their baby boo that it really ____________ (insert emotion) that they made plans and they are being broken. If they were really direct, they may even give the reason why it _________ them and express the hope that baby boo will be more considerate in the future. Then they move on.

I know that for me, my passive-aggressiveness is more about a specific person or a situation. It truly does boil down to my level of comfort expressing my feelings to that person or about the situation. It's particularly rough when dealing with a passive-aggressionist or someone who is also acting passive-aggressively. In those circumstances, it can become cyclical. "I don't feel comfortable being direct with you because you punish me passive-aggressively when I am, so I'm going to be passive-aggressive because you'll be passive-aggressive regardless of how I approach it and at least I'll feel protected in my passive-aggression." Did you get all that? There were a lot of hyphens going on.

So how do you deal with a passive-aggressionist? It involves wedgies, hair pulling and wet willies. Just kidding. Come back next week, if you feel like it. I mean I don't really care one way or the other if you do. It's your life, you can do what you want. But just know that if you don't, you won't get an answer. ;)