You're at a party/wedding/Bar Mitzvah, guarding the snack table when you spot them. Eyes connect, world stands still, palms get sweaty, heart starts palpitating. Initally, you chalk it up to too much wine/beer/vodka, but eventually, when the two of you "just happen" to be standing near each other, you understand what it is. It's that spark that happens oh-so-rarely. The conversation begins and all the signs that GQ/Cosmo/Vogue talk about are there. He touches your arm repeatedly, she's so close, you can smell her shampoo, there is lots of eye-contact and smiling and borderline inappropriate comments are being made. A class on flirting could be taught based on your exchange.
Suddenly, there's a subtle shift. You sense that a third party has joined you. So mesmerized by their eyes/boobs/smile, you shrug it off and keep the conversation rolling. However, your partner is no longer dancing with you. As a matter of fact, their whole demeanor has changed. It seems like this third person may warrant some of your attention after all. Just as you're about to face them to
You sir/madame, have just been the victim of a mixed-signaler.
Somehow, you manage to exit the situation gracefully, without injury to the couple. You begin to question yourself. Did you misread the situation? There was no ring, right? And she touched your leg A LOT. Wait - did they make any "we" comments that you chose not to hear? But he was all up in your personal space, standing close to you and smelling good. No, forget about that part, he did not smell good. He's bad and wrong and a stupidhead. She tricked you, like a tricky trickster!
So who are these mixed-signalers? They are the ones who have a hard time following through or making a decision and sticking with it. They come in all genders, all ages, all races. Some are professionals, while others fall into it unwittingly. Some do it once, while others do it often. Here are several types:
1. The Committed - these mixed-signalers already have a significant other. They enjoy reckless flirting and checking out what kinds of options they have. (I believe that it's okay for someone in a relationship to engage in a little harmless flirting, as long as they are up front about their relationship status.)
2. The Choker - after it's been well-established that there is serious chemistry going on between the two of you, the Choker essentially walks away without an exchange of information. *
3. The Vanisher - not only is there great chemistry, but there is a serious discussion of potential future plans and a demand for the number. However, this person is never to be heard from again.*
4. The Stringer Alonger - this is someone you've been dating for a minute and while they may act like they're your boyfriend/girlfriend, when it comes to actually making a commitment, they seem to have an allergic reaction. This also applies to someone you might have dated in the past.
*Both #2 and #3 may be acting this way because they are truly a #1.
Mixed-signalers aren't inherently bad; I'm sure at some point or another, most of us have been mixed-signalers. With so many options these days, it can be challenging to commit to a decision, from benign things like cereal or tennis shoes to more serious things, like hair plugs or relationships. However, it doesn't excuse them from this behavior. As survivors, it is up to us to confront them with their mixed-signaling ways and let them know it will no longer be tolerated!
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