Are Your Glasses Rose Colored?

In some way, we all live in a state of denial. For most of us, it's pretty mild and mostly harmless. With the help of really good friends (and sometimes an excellent therapist), it's difficult to live there all the time. They are there to kindly hold up the mirror and point out the discrepancies between what we say and what's actually there. Of course, we have to be open to receiving this feedback. Otherwise, we may be living in denial a lot longer than is healthy. For example, several years ago, I lost a lot of weight. I've never considered myself to be a skinny woman, so when friends started calling me skinny, I didn't really believe them. However, when a friend told me my head looked too big for my body, I realized that maybe I need to eat a burger...with fries...and a shake. (Problem has been over-solved at this point!)

A little bit of denial can be good for us; it's a protective measure that allows us to see ourselves in a good light. It helps us believe in our strengths and abilitites and to interact with the rest of the world. It doesn't mean we're unaware of our flaws and issues necessarily, it just gives us some respite from them and time to work on them. When we discover something about ourselves that we don't like, it can be very easy to fixate on them and allow them to define who we are. A dollop of denial gives us the chance to walk away and come back to it when we are ready. There's only so much work we can do on ourselves at a time; it's a life-long task. However, serious problems can arise when our denial runs too deeply. It often starts manifesting in detrimental and sometimes very risky behavior. What if my friend hadn't said anything? I could have continued on this weight loss path and lost all of my booty!

In all seriousness, when we don't deal with things, even at a snail's pace, we find some way to cope. This often involves finding some way to stay in denial, including using drugs and/or alcohol. We may also create more issues to avoid dealing with the real problem or engage in behaviors that cause our fears to be realized. Low self-esteem? Let's be friends with someone who belittles us and makes us feel bad. Fear of abandonment? Let's be a jerk to our partner and push them away. Don't want to be considered a bad parent? Let's ignore our child's developmental issues and hope they outgrow them.

It can be difficult to know when we're in denial, but there tend to be signs that we actively choose to ignore. Here are 7 signs that you may be in denial about some things in your life:

1. Several close friends/family have brought it to your attention.
2. You find yourself in the same situation over and over again.
3. It's never your fault.
4. Everyone else is wrong.
5. You're hiding it from even those you trust the most.
6. You rationalize the behavior/feelings.
7. You believe your situation is unique and the exception to the rule.

Any of these sound familiar? Of course not, there's nothing in your life to be in denial about!

Number 6 stands out the most for me. I always know I'm doing something “wrong” when I don't share it with my closest friends so I do a lot of confessing. I barely give myself enough time to eat a meal in the land of Denial. But that's just me. I encourage you to do things at your own speed – just don't sign a lease for a residence there.

Do you have friends that are in serious denial about something? What do you do when you see it? Do you feel it's your job to bring it to their attention? Under what circumstances? How long do you stay in denial before you feel compelled to do something about it?

Did you hear about that guy who did that thing with that girl who came from that place?

I'll be the first to admit - I love to hear juicy stories. Kim Kardashian, Charlie Sheen, the girl from high school, that guy we used to work with...people fascinate me. At the end of the story, I always want to know why. Why did Charlie Sheen start using crack? Why did Kim do the sex tape...with Ray J nonetheless? Why, why, why? Regardless of my intent, at the end of the day, gossip is gossip and it can be really hurtful. Especially when the subject is you.

As Americans, we've become desensitized to the impact of gossip. We have television shows, periodicals, blogs, even television channels that are devoted to gossiping about people. It's easy for us to laugh at Charlie Sheen's antics because we don't know him; however, if it were someone in our family who was going through this, we would probably empathize more instead of poke fun. With today's technology, it's also easier to spread a tantalizing tidbit of information. An email or text message can be quickly forwarded to the next person and before you know it, that sexy text message that was intended just for their eyes is traveling all over town.

Now, we all talk about everyone (and when I say we, I mean both men and women). We talk about ourselves, our friends, our co-workers, our family; it's how we relate to one another. We disseminate information through discussion. Is there something wrong with that? Not necessarily. We learn through experience, both our own and through others. It can help us avoid mistakes as we learn about what others have been through. For example, I was having a conversation about pregnancy and shared a friend's difficult experience in having an induced labor. Could that be considered gossip? Sure. However, I was also passing along some potentially useful information about birth and labor to a friend considering pregnancy.

Problems with gossiping especially arise when the intention behind it is malicious. There's a difference between sharing information or expressing concern versus spreading someone's business for the sake of idle chatter.

Example 1: I'm worried about Charlie. His behavior has been erratic and kind of crazy lately. I think he's been using drugs.

Example 2: Have you seen Charlie lately? He's a total crackhead! He's talking mad sh*t about his boss and his ass is about to get fired!

Both examples are talking about the same thing, except one is expressing concern while the other is judgmental and sensational. When our loved ones are going through something, good and bad, we turn to each other for counsel and support. We may have feelings about our co-worker's promotion, our cousin's pregnancy or best friend's abusive relationship that we need help working out. Or sometimes we just want to celebrate and spread the love. Either way, it's important that we check in with ourselves to figure out where we're coming from and what the intent is in sharing this information.

Another issue is when boundaries are crossed. If person A tells me something about person B in confidence, it is not appropriate for me to go up to person B and comment on that information. First, if something was told to you in confidence, it is to be kept to yourself. Second, you don't know how person B would feel about their info being out there, even if, in your opinion, it may be cause to celebrate. Third, your spilling the beans may have a negative consequence to A and B's relationship. Lastly, your gossiping may have a negative consequence in your relationship with A.

Professionally, I have an ethical and legal responsibility to maintain the confidentiality of my clients. In my personal life, I have learned over the years that it's easier to keep most things to myself. I've seen friendships become stressed and strained due to breaks in confidence. I have also learned that if you're going to share information with people, whether it be about yourself or others, that you keep in mind that it just might be shared with others. Some of the best people we know and love have the biggest mouths. "But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me!"

Have you ever been the victim of rumors or idle gossip? How did you deal with it? Do you feel guilty when you gossip? Do you consider yourself guilty of gossip?