You and whatstheirface have been dating for a while. Things are going pretty well and it looks like you'll soon be packing your bags and moving to Couplesville. Of course there are little things that get on your nerves (how difficult is it to put the toilet seat down, do your tampons have to be everywhere?!), but overall, the two of you seem to get along like peas and carrots. And then they say those four dreaded words.
"We need to talk."
The thoughts start racing through your mind. "Oh, sweet baby Jesus in a manger! We haven't even had the full-on DTR (Defining the Relationship) conversation...this must be it. They're going to break up with me. It's already over and I was just getting used to their snoring. Sh*t! Why does this always happen to me? Their mom/dad/sister/best friend/brother doesn't like me. I knew I should have hugged instead of shaking hands. I'm such a weirdo, I just don't like touching strangers..."
Out loud, you say, "Of course, babe, what's going on?" or something along those lines that makes you sound concerned but not worried, cool, but understanding and ready to listen, even though you're really freaking out.
"Well, since it feels like we're moving toward something more serious, there's something I feel like I should share with you. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder/Major Depression/Anxiety."
You didn't realize you were holding your breath until you released it. Mentally, you're doing the happy dance because they're not ending things with you. I mean, it was beginning to look like every other relationship and then you'd have to go back online or start harassing your friends again to hook you up with someone or maybe even go to some kind of church group to find someone. How tiring is that? It's worth the payoff but still...wait, did they say they had ___________? Isn't that a mental illness or something?
Why yes, yes it is.
Although there is a lot more information out there about various mental illnesses, there is still a lot that is unknown. There is a lot of misperceptions and stigma regarding mental illness that makes it difficult for people to seek help and support. It can also make it difficult for people to disclose this information to a loved one, especially in a romantic relationship.
So what do you do if your honey shares with you that they have a mental illness?
First, acknowledge them for sharing this with you. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to them or even to you, it's not the easiest thing to disclose. Next, get as much information as possible. It's easy to assume that we know how depression looks and feels (how many times a day do those Cymbalta commercials come on?) but how it manifests in each person is different. Things you want to know may include the following:
1. How often do these episodes happen?
2. How long do they last?
3. How does it impact their behavior? (ie. sleeping, eating, working, sex drive)
4. Are they taking any medication? Side effects?
5. Have they or are they getting any kind of professional support?
6. Have they ever been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
7. Have they ever tried to kill themselves?
8. How can I best support you?
People handle their diagnosis differently. For some, it's really not a big deal and they're well-versed and knowledgeable. Others like to pretend it doesn't exist until they're in crisis mode. Or they fall somewhere in between. Although these answers are useful to have, this may be a very sensitive topic so be careful when asking some of these questions. Some things might be volunteered without you asking.
There are varying levels of seriousness when it comes to mental illness and while medication can help, it does not fix everything. For example, with Bipolar Disorder I, people have episodes of mania and depression; it may seem like you're dealing with two vastly different people if they are experiencing an episode of either. In having an open discussion, it gives you the opportunity to get some idea of how well they function and cope with their symptoms. You can also find out how serious their symptoms are. There's can be a huge difference between mild depression and severe depression.
Do some research on your own. You're not to become an expert and start monitoring their behavior, but it's good information for you to have because you may have to decide if this is something you want to deal with. In having a partner with a significant mental illness, you are signing on to take care of them if they cannot take care of themselves, which is a real possibility.
This doesn't mean that people with a mental illness are damaged and horrible to date. Having a diagnosis is only one aspect of a person and it does not define who they are. Everyone has their issues; some of theirs just happen to have a diagnosis attached. At the end of the day, they are still the wonderful, talented, loving, intelligent person you like/love who leaves their dirty towel on the floor and forgets to empty the dishwasher.
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