A Letter of Concern

Dear Friend,

Let me start by saying that I am so glad you are a part of my life. You are so smart, attractive and fun; I really enjoy your company. I feel like every time we hang out, it's a good time. Remember that time we were in Jamaica and we...um, never mind, you were there, some things don't need to be written down. (You know what I'm talking about though!) Anyway, I could go on and on about how fabulous you are and how fabulous I am and how when we're together, it's a party of fabulosity, but that's not what this letter is about. You see, there's something that I'm really concerned about, something that I've noticed before, but only now do I feel like I should speak on it. No, it's not about the drinking (people who live in Grey Goose bottle houses shall not throw stones!) or all the macaroni necklaces (thanks for the birthday gift by the way) or even the beanie baby collection (I know you try to keep it on the low, but I found it in your closet); it's about something more insidious, something that's becoming more apparent to the naked eye.

You, my friend, are hella bitter. (There's even a quiz that confirms it.)

Now before you get all hostile and defensive, just remember I'm your friend and I love you. I'm only attempting this intervention because I would hate to see such a wonderful spirit become further entrenched in a life of ratchetry and bittertude. (Yes, I made those words up, but you know exactly what I mean.) I know it's hard for you to see, but I can see it...and so can everyone else. Actually, it's oozing out of your pores almost as if a musk-like scent is emanating from you - Eau De Bitter (pronounced bit-tear because it's fancy French talk). Ironically, you often have a sour expression on your face, like you're smelling something funky. Could it be your own bitterness? No? That's right, that sour expression is due to the fact that EVERYONE else is f*cked up and why should you smile about that? It's not like you want anyone to actually converse with you.

Oh wait, but you do.

You were just saying the other day that you were kind of lonely and would like to have a partner in crime. Guess what? You won't meet anyone if you keep acting stank. Yes, I said stank. You want an example? The other night, when we were at the bar, this very nice person was clearly trying to engage you in conversation. You were "jokingly" confrontational and a bit snarky; as soon as they left, you immediately dismissed them, stating their outfit/weave/breath was off and they probably had 5 children with 7 different partners anyway. (Don't question my math, that's rude.)

I know your parent's relationship wasn't the best example of love. I know you've been through some bullsh*t and ratchetness; but who hasn't? Friend, do you know that it's become impossible for me to imagine who you would date? Anyone I could think of is too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, butt too small, legs too skinny, eyes too crossed, clothes too nineties...I mean, no one fits your criteria. It makes me sad because I know that under your bittertude, there's a loving soul, who has so much to give and would make some person an awesome partner.

What I'm most concerned about is our friendship. Of course, I have your back, your front and your sides. However, I feel like I can't talk to you about what's happening in my life, especially my love life because you immediately have something negative to say. My situation is not at all perfect, but every time I acknowledge a frustration, you say they are up to no good or I should leave them alone. Even when I talk about the good stuff that happens, you find some way to make it negative. So, I've stopped talking to you about it. I don't like putting limits on our friendship, but if you're making me feel bad about my choice to love someone, I have to.

I understand that this may be hard for you to hear. My hope is that you will be able to hear this and you are ready to do something about it. There's this show, Iyanla Fix My Life that I think...no? DMX was on it! Too public? There's probably a long-ass waiting list anyway (let's hope Nikki Minaj is on it). Okay, so not Iyanla, but could you get some kind of therapy or life coaching? Maybe read a self-help book or 4? I'm just saying...don't let me be the only one who knows you're awesome because I'm not marrying your ass. I'm probably too tall for you anyway.

Love Always,
Me (Your awesome friend with whom you should not be angry because I said you were bitter and mentioned your beanie baby collection and don't forget I also said you were fabulous and wonderful too because I am your friend who loves you a lot and has a lot of dirt on you because I saw things and was there too and okay I'm done now.)

P.S. I know you remember that time! Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I have pictures in the vault!