Mommy Dearest

Do you remember your first love? I do. It was my mom. She was extremely brilliant and beautiful and she loved her children. Although she died too young, she did a phenomenal job (in my totally unbiased opinion) at being a mother. Somehow, she was able to instill the values and skills I needed to become a mostly happy and highly functional adult. Was she perfect? No. Did she get on my nerves sometimes? Most definitely. Did she do her best? Yes, emphatically. Now I'm not going to say my mama was better than yours, but if it were a competition....let's just say it would be best for your mom to bring her A game. :)

As women, many of us grow up believing that we will/should become mothers. We play with dollies, we play house, we try our mother's heels on; we are socialized to believe that motherhood is an inevitable part of being a woman. However, motherhood is not for everyone. In today's society, many women are deciding not to have kids at all - and I applaud them. Not because I necessarily feel that way myself or think that those women would be bad mothers, but because there's nothing more devastating than knowing your mom never wanted you.

It's unfortunate that moms bear the brunt of the blame for the failures of their children. It's not always fair either; there are great moms who go on to have awful, awful kids. It's a lot of hard work to ensure that our kids are kind, loving and productive members of society. There's a lot of pressure on the mother-child relationship; it's our very first relationship and how our mothers (or mother-figures) love us impacts how we view ourselves and how well we relate to others.

One thing my mother did that greatly informed how she raised us was that she made a decision about raising us. She reflected on her own childhood and how her parents raised her and her siblings. Some things they did were great while there were other things that she disagreed with. Instead of falling into some of the patterns from her relationship with my grandmother, she made a conscious decision to do things differently with me. In my work, I've seen it happen over and over again; mothers will subconsciously repeat their experiences in their childhood with their own kids, regardless of how dysfunctional and detrimental it was to them. Granted, it's hard to know what you don't know. But if you didn't like being treated a certain way as a kid, why is it okay for your kid?


Now I have friends who also have great moms and we were raised in a totally different manner. There's no clear-cut path to being a wonderful mother. However, there are a few key elements:

1. Patience - you need A LOT of patience (mostly due to #2).
2. Attention/praise - kids need constant attention and validation. You don't really get a break from paying attention to them, especially when they're young.
3. Affection - almost everyone in the world needs to be touched, but kids need it even more. It's one of the more tactile and concrete ways that shows that you love them.
4. Acceptance - sometimes they aren't going to live up to your expectations. They'll learn that it's okay to be human if you accept them regardless of their missteps.
5. Unconditional love - you need this in order to accept all the sacrificing that comes with being responsible for another person.

If you feel like your mom did a pretty good job with you, make sure you let her know; she needs validation sometimes too.

I often tell the parents that I've worked with that in some way, shape, or form, they will inevitably "mess" their kid up. We're human and we all have issues; it's virtually impossible not to carry baggage into any relationship, including the one we have with our kids. However, as long as you try your best (even during the adolescent years) and are patient, accepting and unconditionally loving of yourself, you'll be fine. Most importantly, your kid(s) will be fine too!