Serially Unsingle

I’ve been officially single for a long time. I won’t embarrass myself by disclosing the last time I had a boyfriend, but I will cop to the fact that it’s been more than a year, less than a decade. (If you want to figure out the exact amount of time, multiply 253 by 4, divide it by 7, add 11978 and then go screw yourself.) Did you notice that I used the word officially? Unofficially, it’s a whole ‘nother story.

Many of us find ourselves in hazily and creatively defined relationships with people. Do any of these sounds familiar to you?

1. Dating exclusively, but we’re not into labels (i.e. we act like we’re in a relationship, but if anyone says that they are my boyfriend/girlfriend, I will quickly correct them).
2. “Friends” with benefits.
3. We have an understanding that our relationship is a very private and intimate thing (i.e. we do not go out in public because my significant other may hear about it).
4. We’re sexually exclusive, but can date others. If we want to have sex with another person, we agreed to tell each other before doing so in the most honest and compassionate way.
5.  We date and have sex with each other, but also with others except I can’t confirm or deny that the other person knows that this is the parameters of our relationship.
6. We have an open relationship.
7. We’re not together anymore, but there is no discernible difference between our relationship now and how it was when we were together.
8. We have a relationship; it’s just that the other person is unaware because they like to pretend they don’t know me when our paths cross accidentally on purpose since I happen to know their schedule and where they’ll be every day.

There’s no judgment regarding the kind of relationship you and your boo construct (although #8 may be considered stalking by law enforcement). These days, it seems like a traditional, unmarried relationship is no longer in vogue; it’s almost shocking to hear someone say “This is my boy/girlfriend.” Again, that may not be the path for everyone. However, some of us engage in these relationships in an attempt to avoid being alone and dealing with our sh*t. Quite honestly, we are afraid of being truly alone.

As someone who stayed in an on-again, off-again situationship for far too long, I will be the first to admit that it wasn’t just the love that kept me around. Despite how unhealthy and stagnant the relationship had become, there was an element of validation; someone out there wanted me and I had someone to cuddle with (when we weren’t angry or bitter toward each other). Unfortunately, it got to the point where all that cuddling couldn’t undo all the hurt and frustration. It was better to be single. Not kind of single, not I’m in situation #1-7 (please don’t be in #8), but fa reals single. No one to chat on the phone with, no one to go to the movies with, no one to take as a date to yet another wedding, no one.

Lucky for me, there are a number of toothless gentlemen on my way to work to give me validation.

Although I’ve been truly single before, a lot of people are allergic to being single. We all have that friend who always has someone. Whether it’s just a booty call or a non-exclusive, sexually exclusive, unlabeled situation, they cannot be alone. Yes, sometimes it takes the next one to get the ex one out of your system, but jumping from the ex to the next without taking a moment (or 2304 moments) to really look at what happened in your last relationship is a recipe for repeating the same mistakes….over and over again. <---Yeah, that would be me.

So if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situationship and are staying for the sake of being kinda, sorta, a little tiny bit, sometimes on Wednesdays booed up, maybe it's time for you to try being alone.We often forget how much time and space another person takes up. It's actually pretty cool being alone; you learn all kinds of sh*t about yourself. Not only that, it gives you a little bit of time to clear out the funky socks and dirty drawls that are left in your baggage before you take it on the next adventure.